Thoughts on Rudeness

We start with this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIh2xe4jnpk

The question asked, "Why do you gotta' be so rude?" is to the response to another question: "Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? The exchange ends badly for the young man when the father says "no."  At which point the young man sings, "Why do you have to be so rude," and quotes the father by saying "You say I'll never have your blessing 'til the day I die' and finishes with the declaration that he's going to "marry your daughter anyway."

Now here we have a series of comments which may be viewed as rude.  "No" to a young man who, obviously, wants to marry the young woman, can be, in our current cultural milieu, considered a rude response, since to us the choice isn't the father's at all.  From this perspective giving his "blessing" would seem the polite thing to do.  And since, in most people's minds the opposite of being rude is being polite, if saying "yes" would have been polite, saying "no" must naturally be rude.

However, it may be that the rudeness is not in the "no" but in what follows, namely: "you will never have my blessing 'til the day you die."  This is supported by the phrasing "why do you have to be so rude" since "so rude" implies, I think, an emphasis on going beyond the simple "no." 

Now of course, when the young man knocks on the door dressed in his "best suit" one has to wonder how much thought and effort he has put into the matter as he approaches a button down suit and tie professional in less than appropriate formality ... especially if he wants to ask one of the most important questions a man can ask another man.  Compare his attire with the more respectful man seated next to the girl in the dinner scenes....where it's pretty obvious that the father and mother approve of him and they are hoping she will like the guy too.  He's formally dressed and appropriately so.  So, in the end you can see him as the more polite one of the two courters of the father's blessing.  And it goes on.

Is it polite to show up, unannounced, to cry through the keyhole?  Is it polite to question the man who's blessing is apparently important enough to ask, why he has to be so rude?  It may be understandable, but it's hardly showing wisdom, or the kind of wisdom that over comes the resistance of a father.

Of course the video wants the young man to be a sympathetic character.  We sympathize with him from the beginning.  He dresses more like the listener, his music if very well done (I love the music myself), and a sharp distinction is made between his love forlorn sadness, and the uptight suit and tie scowling faced father. 

But behind it are various attitudes, some rude, some polite.  It is the subject of this post to ask, how can you tell when someone is being rude and when they are not?

From the video we begin with the situation.  A young girl and young man are in love (one supposes) and they want to marry.  The young man (perhaps at the girls urging?)  decides to approach the father and ask for his blessing on the marriage.  This, in itself, is a formality and the willingness of the young man to engage in the formality, is a point in his favor.  However, he carries it off with a number of thoughtless gestures.

First, if what he wears is his "best suit" then he is well miss-matched with the family of the girl.  It is obvious the family (set the girl aside for a moment) is used to more formality.  The dress of both the father and mother, the formal dining, the other young man at the table, all attest to a more traditional approach to life in general.  Either the young man asking doesn't know the family or is a bit rebellious in his choice of attire.  That we don't notice the problem is just a measure of our own Western individualism more than wrong or right.  It may be either but it certainly isn't wise.

Second, he makes no effort to be formal when he makes the request.  Showing up at the front door and asking on the door step might imply a sort of "spur of the moment" thing.  And the fact that he later returns to the front door, to cry through the peep hole only emphasizes his lack of understanding and thoughtfulness.

And, finally, at what is perhaps the rudest thing in the whole video, he "goes ahead and marries her anyway" with the collusion of the mother and daughter, dragging the father into the wedding where the social pressure to "be polite" would be it's greatest.  And when the father walks out they get married....anyway.

As a father let me tell you how I reacted and why.  I saw a young man show up without a thought as to how to PERSUADE the father that he was the one to take the daughter into his life and form a stable and loving family.  Every action of his was self absorbed and focused on his happiness, and to some degree, obviously, the daughters.  But not one iota of thought was given to the marriage and how it might effect her relationship to her family, whom, presumably she also loves.  In other words the young man demonstrates a whole lot of thoughtlessness.

Now the core idea behind rude behavior is exactly that: thoughtlessness.  Rude behaviors are almost always backed by little thought or care about the other person and are usually about expressing some emotion because one feels like expressing it.  I have three daughters in their 20's and none are married.  If some young man shows up at my doorstep telling me he loves my daughter he better have: 1) thought about how I might feel about him from my perspective; 2) thought about the timing and execution of his request and done his best to make it work; 3) thought about the long term stress he may be putting on the relationship between his girlfriend and her family and what changes he is willing to make in his own life to accommodate and maintain her relationship to her family.

Having said that, I don't believe the father was particularly wise either.  If a young man shows up on my door and in the same manner asks for my blessing I'd look a bit past the leather jacket and ask the guy in.  Let me tell you though, the father in the video would have been a lot easier to take than my grilling would have been.  And that's what the father should have done.  It was rude of him to "flat out" deny the young man without trying to get past the appearances.

Later he argues with his daughter and the last things she says is she loves him meaning the young man whose name she uses -- (you have to  read here lips to get this).  That he is arguing with his daughter is not surprising, but if it were me I'd probably have sat her down and upon finding she loved the guy, worked with her to make sure the relationship would last.  This means some time would have to pass and some "hoops" jumped through to make sure that the young man loves here enough to make some sacrifices for her. 

But of course, rudeness is not usually a rational choice.  As a friend of mine is fond of saying, "when emotions rule they seldom rule well."

So what does this tell us of rudeness? 

First, that it's not black and white.  Since it's individuals measuring appropriateness of comments or actions, the situation may be perceived differently and thus, some leeway should be given to all persons when they say or do things that seem to be rude.

Second, rudeness generally correlated with thoughtlessness.  The person speaking or acting is often just not aware of that the actions can be interpreted as rude.  My own personality makes it difficult for me to sense rudeness in my own remarks, but also to hear the rudeness of remarks made to me.  It's a trade off for me as I may more easily give offense but also do not take offense easily even if offense was meant.

Third, it may be that the best thing you can do when confronted by rude behavior is to address the issue directly, but politely.  A private chat with a person in which you reveal to them (assuming the best ...namely that they did not see what they were doing as rude) how their actions or word could be construed as rude is often all that is needed.  I do think this is one thing  good leadership is about and those who ignore such behaviors in their alliances should be faulted for their lack.

Fourth, graciousness is the only true cure to rudeness.  If someone says something you consider rude, and you are unwilling to discuss it with them, be gracious and assume they didn't mean to be rude but are just a bit insensitive to others.  I used to tell my daughters that if they think an insult implied by something somebody said, make them say it plainly by asking if they meant the insult.  If they did and deny it, then they have just undone the insult they attempted.  If they didn't and honest about it, they learn that the form of address they used is dangerous and you keep a friend where you could have assumed an enemy.

Fifth, recognize that what you think was rude, may not have been so.  The measure of rudeness is personal and corporate.  On the personal level it is as likely that the one who feels the statement was rude is wrong as the one who made the statement and thinks it not rude.  When you take it to the more general audience measure, the standards may be clearer, but they are not absolute, and thus, for instance, what might be insensitive to one audience is just humorous to another.

Sixth, rudeness is not the final measure of if something should be said or not.  It is generally rude to interrupt.  But if a person is about to be hit by a truck, interrupting with "get out of the way!" is perfectly appropriate.  Sometimes rudeness is necessary.

Seventh, in the same way, sometimes a highly controversial opinion may be made and sound rude but if the long term benefits of letting the person know of the problem out weigh the discomfort of the person to whom the statement applies, it would be rude to NOT make the statement.  Ultimately, if the statement is beneficial, it's beneficial even if the person to whom it's applied is not made comfortable by it's being made.  We are not responsible for another's reactions but only for avoiding unnecessary pain and suffering.  Sadly, sometimes it is necessary to be rude for the moment to be most polite for the long run.

Finally, let me tell you another story, this one true, in contrast to the one in the video.

I have a friend of mine who has three daughters.  The oldest is a skater and when she was 19 she began to take lessons from an accomplished professional.  She took lessons for about six months and her and her instructor "fell in love." 

Growing up in a very conservative household when he asked her out, she had him ask her fathers' blessing on the "courtship."  At first the father was reluctant but after talking with his daughter and realizing that if it could work it would make her happy, he relented.  But he also  laid down a bunch of conditions.  Notice that he didn't just say "no" but considered his daughter feelings and the situation, and made some stipulations to which the young man and young lady agreed.

For the next two years the young man made the choices needed to insure the father's blessing.  Two years, in the world of dating, is a pretty long time, but in the end when the young man actually asked for the father's blessing on a marriage the father gave it with little reservation.  The young man had proved by his actions that he was thoughtful and concerned about the long term relationship he and his soon to be wife had with her family.  That's politeness to the highest degree.

So in then end, I think, rudeness is usually the result of forgetting to whom you are speaking and/or not being aware of how your words may be received.  And it's also about forgetting that the person doing the speaking may not be aware of how their words are being received.  Both the speaker and the hearer need to be gracious and "consider also the things of others" as they speak.

AJ