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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Nov 2012 at 10:33

In the Cowshed once more.  (November)

 

The sun has long set and a slight fog swirls around the Nafflink Cowshed. Inside however the senior staff of the Illyriad Free Times are clustered around the editors desk discussing urgent business.

 

Editor: “I think we should go careful on this”

 

Murdoch:  “ Lord Granlik has asked what we are doing about it, he says everyone is     talking about it but no one will put it in writing”

 

Editor:  “ Tell him we are investigating, tell him we are looking into it”

 

Murdoch:” So do we say something?”

 

Chedder:  “ We do have some slight evidence and also the Druids of Kildarran are not to happy about the way the Tournament was run”

 

Editor: “What! Don’t be stupid.  You don’t start to question the motives of the Circle of Five when almost every major alliance has been given the opportunity to get its troops fighting fit and try out new tactics during the recent Tourney. What we could do however is to question why the Herald now falls over backward to always give the Circle a good press. I think they have been bought out. Remember that reporter who lost his fingers some months ago?  The Herald is a commercial money-grabbing outfit and they were going to sue the Circle of Five for causing injury to their reporter. Then they changed their mind. Think of all the cash they could have got.”

 

Murdoch: “ I knew that reporter back in college and he was always in trouble and getting his fingers burnt. I think he left the Herald after what had happened.”

 

Voice from back office: “ The fingers just fell off, they weren’t burnt Sir”

 

Editor: “ Well anyway, we are not going to run a story about the Circle in the next edition.  By then we should have this lawyer in post, as we agreed (looking at Chedder) and he can make it his first task to work out any problems we could have with going ahead with an article on the Circle.”

 

Chedder: “I know we agreed to get a lawyer but I think we will have problems once he is here. My brother who works for an architect in Middle Kingdom says they can’t do anything now without a lawyer having to agree whatever it is they want to do and every meeting has at least three lawyers in attendance and the budget has gone through the roof.”

 

Murdoch: “Granlik won’t like paying out any more money for this place. Plink says he keeps on about the cost as it is. Young Plink is very useful in keeping him happy as he thinks the world of Plink and Plink thinks he does a good job here. I always tell Plink he is doing a grand job here.”

 

Chedder: “I always ask him if he needs anything.”

 

Voice from the back office: “Plink makes a very good cup of tea Sir.”

 

Editor: “Plink is an idiot but I must admit a very useful one. However, the Times must move with the times!” (He waits for laughter at this awful pun but there is just an embarrassed silence) “ So we must see if we can get a lawyer. Are there any applicants yet?”

 

Voice from the back office:  “Thirty nine to date Sir”

 

Editor: “Thirty nine?  Sh*t, pull that advert now!”

 

Voice from the back office: “ It’s still got two weeks to run Sir”

 

Editor: “No! I said pull it now and I want the interviews to start next week”

 

Voice from the back office:” Yes Sir.”

 

Murdoch: “You and me for the interviews?”

 

Editor: “Yup, and also you Chedder as Chief of staff.  We need someone who will fit in here and is a team player. Hold on I’ve got an idea. Nip over to Nifflink and have a word with the top magician there, Sigfried, I think. He has a major certificate in Attack Charms. Ask him if he could pop over here to see the lawyer once we have one in place and he can fill us all in on this Circle of Five.”

 

Chedder: “ The Circle is considered the top magical group and each one of the five is a specialist in their own field. So when you consider that there are only five of them  I’m really surprised the Herald backed down and didn’t take them to court.”

 

Editor: “I wish I had the Heralds resources. Three main offices, twelve regional sites, a score of fully paid reporters and umpteen regional hacks, ink, paper, all metal printing, messengers, layout benches, subsidised canteens, money, pension scheme, furniture and a fully equipped office with sufficient staff to run things properly.”

 

Murdoch: “Thank you Sir”

 

Chedder:  “Thank you Sir”

 

Voice from back office: “Thank you Sir”

 

Murdoch: “ Hay, I just remembered! That reporter is a relation of King Sigurd! He always had people sucking up to him, the greasy spoonbag”

 

Editor: “Is he really?  You say he left the Herald? Find out what he’s doing now and see if he wants to join us here. He could be very useful with how the Herald works and he must have been quite good as a reporter for them to send him to question the Circle.”

 

Murdoch: “ Ok, I’ll ask around. Trying to remember his name…he was cross eyed, that I do remember.”

 

Editor: “Right, almost done for today. Chedder, have you got the latest circulation figures yet?”

 

Chedder: “ Yes sir, issue 6 again shows an increase over the summer edition and there are now several requests as to if we will accept adverts. Also Paynins idea of all reporters taking old copies with them on assignments has paid off. Another development is that with this H v Others war still going on a lot of alliance members have been passing copies to each other and there have been lots of enquiries as to when the next issue is coming out.”

 

Editor: “ Good, the last item is….”

 

Watchman: (speaking through the hole in the wall) “Young master Plink is just getting off his horse sir!”

 

Editor: “That’s it! All finished! Time to go home! I want all reporters expense sheets on my desk tomorrow morning and all the lawyer applications as well. Goodnight gentlemen!.”

 

Everyone gets up and goes rapidly out of the building and hurries down the street towards the town Tavern.  Plink, who had been putting a blanket on his horse Primrose is too late to catch any of them and so gets back on his horse and goes home.  In his pocket is a letter to the editor from his uncle, Lord Granlik, which states that due to the economic situation the grant to the running costs of the Times must be cut by at least 30%.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Dec 2012 at 20:50

In the Nefflink Consulate.  (late December)

It is the time of fogs and cold winds and the promise of snow and ice soon in the forests of Tor Carrock.  The capital city of Nefflink, home of Lord Granlik is the meeting place for the Overseeing Committee, charged by Granlik to ensure that his growing domain runs efficiently and is in the forefront of innovation and modern technology.

The Chair listens to the deep bong of the main Time Gong indicating the mid morning period has begun and calls the committee to order.

Chair: 'Silence and Order! Order! Order! Silence in the room! Bolt the doors!'

The members of the Overseeing Committee gradually fall silent. This is its second meeting and those who were at the first one note some changes. Firstly, there seem more people present and secondly some of the town mayors have brought along their town standard and have tied it to their chair. This causes raised eyebrows from those who haven’t thought of doing so.

Chair:  'Welcome members to our second meeting, we have a lot to get through and I hope we can proceed in an orderly manner and without rancour. The first item is.... One moment, where is the Mayor of Nufflink? Nufflink is not present'

Nofflink: 'Their new Trade Office roof collapsed last night and so I assume he's sorting it out.'

Chair: 'Well, he's the mayor and he really should delegate something like that but if he's not here and a vote is required Nufflink will vote with the Chair.'

Several Members: 'What? Pardon? Hey! Who says? Rubbish!

Chair: 'Order! One at a time please.'

Army General: ' Who decided that? Never heard of such nonsense. This is an outrage!'

Constitutional Affairs: ' The Chair is correct. All members were given a copy of Standing Orders as were agreed at the first meeting and the newer members were handed one in the corridor some minutes ago. S.O. 37 states that an absent members vote will automatically support the Chair.'

Nafflink: 'Hold on there, Who are you and where did you spring from? Never heard of you and who decided you are on this committee?'

Human Resources: ' He's with me from Lord Granlik's Advisory Committee.'

Information Technology: ‘He is quite right. Standing Orders cannot be challenged.’

Legal and Compliance: ‘I concur.’

Army: (glaring at I.T. and L.C.) ‘I suppose you two are from the bloody Advisory Committee as well?’

Chair: 'Now members we must press on. Item 1. Upgrading of road link to Nyfflink.'

Nyfflink: 'About time, we in Nyfflink have been waiting almost...'

Chair: 'All agreed? Thank you. Next. Transfer of surplus army equipment. Agreed? Thank you. Next. Rune Protection. Agreed? Thank you. Next. Town Population Targets. Agreed? Thank you. Next. Specialist Production in specific Towns. Agreed? Thank....'

Stonemasons: 'Oi!  Hold on, why all these town demolitions of primary resources?’

Woodworkers: ‘Yeah, Carpenters are really needed in every town!’

Nafflink: 'Why do I lose my cotters and my kiln and who decided the smaller towns now get all the cotters?’

Nifflink: ‘I’m happy with the specialist spear production and armour, very nice!’

Paddocks: 'A Horse Trainer is needed in every town, four feet keep us all going!'

Gatherers Association; 'Stuff your horses mate, see how you like tramping miles to work every day!'

More members begin to interrupt and give objections to the table paper and soon the room is in uproar. The Chair calls for order without success and two of the mayors begin to wave their Standards at each other. Outside the bolted doors one of the guards gives a nod and looks at the other.

First Guard: ' Did you ever sort out a problem by just talking about it?'

Second Guard: ' Nah, tried it once but then had to hit him, problem solved'

First Guard: ' Yup, that’s the way to do it, mind you. its best to know if the bloke has brothers first.'

Inside the committee room the Army General decided to stop the chaos. He climbed on the table, draws his sword and shouts ' SILENCE! ATTEND THE CHAIR!' and then stamps his boot on the table which shudders along its length. The noise abates and the committee members fall silent, those standing sit down. He then jumps down as the Chair takes a deep breath.

Chair: ‘That was appalling behaviour and if it happens again I shall suspend the meeting and report direct to Lord Granlik! I will remind you all that Lord Granlik expects each and every one of you to behave in a dignified manner and also I would like to remind you that he is our Chosen Lord and we have all pledged our honour to him. Lastly I don’t think I have to remind any of you WHY he was chosen….’ (Several members shut their eyes while others turn a pasty white) ‘ So let us continue in an orderly manner. Item 5, Specialist Production in specific Towns. which I understand Lord Granlik is extremely keen on, all agreed?  Thank you’

Diplomatic Corps: ‘Chair, could I ask that Item 17 be considered now as it relates to the ongoing conflict between some of our trading partners and if the committee agrees the recommendation I can order messengers to be dispatched before lunch?’

Health and Safety: ‘Will the messengers be supplied with a packed lunch? I assume they are expecting a normal meal at midday and I don’t like to think of them falling of their mounts due to malnutrition or dehydration later in the day….’

Brewery and Tavern Association: ‘Arrghhhh… How many more of these Advisory people are on this committee? Who thinks them up? What do they do all day long? Where have they come from?’ 

Chair: ‘The Advisory Committee directly advises Lord Granlik and is made up of specialist professionals that Lord Granlik feels are useful in giving him specific advice on specialist matters. The Advisory Committee also draws up the agenda for this committee and Lord Granlik feels that this committee benefits from having a number of the Advisory Committee members sitting on it to aid its deliberations’

Army (in an aside to Chief Mage) ‘He’s just read that from a piece of paper. He’s come prepared for this’

Chief Mage (replying) ‘Don’t forget the old goat is Granlik’s uncle. I think we’ve all been stitched up’

Chair: ‘Members we must move on. Is it agreed we take item 17 now? Yes? Agreed?  Thank you and I order that all messengers be supplied with a packed lunch. Its getting a bit chilly in here and I see for some reason that the fires have not been lit so I think we should now adjourn while that is seen to and it will also give members an opportunity to reread standing orders. Is that agreed? Thank you. This meeting is now adjourned for one hour.’

The members file out into the corridor where it is even colder. The Chair disappears with the Diplomatic Corps member into a side room where the Head of the Consulate welcomes them with a drink and they discuss the latest court gossip around the blazing fire.  Outside the Consulate the first flurry of snow begins to settle on the ground. 

 

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Published in            The Illyriad Free Times.     Issue No.7

Tor Carrock                                                                                                                  Start 2013

 

   An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea

 

Welcome to the New Year and issue 7 in which dear readers, we bring to you in living colour. No other regional paper is able to match our coverage of national events or the high quality standards of our professional correspondents. However, the most significant advance of the Times is shown by our ever-increasing readership throughout the land for which I, and my staff thank you all.     The Editor.

 

 

         Teenagers flock in Thousands to Crazy Cult

By Yalli Hi-Lightfoot, Senior Reporter

 

Again the Illyriad Free Times is the first to disclose a shocking and ever growing threat to all of Elgea. The very foundations of our society are at risk if the Authorities do not act quickly and take immediate action.

After months of undercover investigation your paper can reveal that a dangerous Cult is luring the young of all races away from our traditional beliefs and customs and is in doctrinating them to reject all belief in the natural Force of Magic.

The Cult operates under the name of The Society of Scientific Investigators and is concentrated mainly within the “nooby ring” but is now spreading rapidly throughout all regions. Young people are drawn into local “Laboratory Classes” by various means (a large number of the recruiters are attractive young females) and once in are actively encouraged to “do their own thing and experiment”. Strange powders called chemicals are used in glass jars and thousands of frog legs are delivered in covered wagons every day. It is also roumoured that something called free love is always available within the classes.

The Leaders of the Cult are known as Professors and can be identified by the long white coats that they wear. At some stage all new followers must go through an initiation ceremony which includes copper wires being attached to intimate parts of the body, the follower is then subjected to something called “shock treatment” after which the follower will refuse to acknowledge the status of a Mage and refuse to attend any kind of magical gathering.

A recent worrying development is a “happening” where hundreds of followers, who call themselves Sosies suddenly, converge on a public space or outside a public building. They then begin chanting “Science Good, Magic Bad” and hand out leaflets to passing citizens. It is frightening to note how many of the young eagerly read these.

This paper urges strong action by those in Authority and for this organisation to be outlawed at once for the sake of our civilization. All current conflicts should be halted until the threat is dealt with and the Leaders of SOSI arrested.

 

 

 

                        More Alliances but Less Members.

By Panin Zeass, Reporter.

 

The total number of Alliances in Elgea has grown rapidly in the last few months and most observers put this down to another unseen consequence of the long drawn out war between H? and its supporters and the Consone Group. Both camps have lost members due to varying reasons which would be too time consuming to list, but many of these deserters have created small alliances of their own. Also a fair number of “war neutral” groups have sprung up to offer sanctuary. Another growing section are the newer Craft and Trade organizations formed to deal with the recent gathering discoveries. And so while many of the older, larger traditional alliances are seeing a drop in their numbers there are far more smaller, flexible and attractive openings for anyone seeking companionship then ever before in the land. New Lords just setting out on their career have never had it so good, providing they look where they are going and pick a spot where there is room to expand. Easy!

 

 

 

                   Local High Command gets High Tech.

By Plink Ploberman, Junior Reporter.

 

Here in the Nefflink Group the Army High Command has recently supplied all of its commanders with crafted equipment (weapons, armour and mounts) directly purchased from one of the leading Crafter alliance in Elgea, Ancient Air, based in Ursor. Although there are many local crafters scattered within the seven towns specific equipment production cannot be guaranteed, as the local gathering of items is sporadic.

When asked why the rush to equip our forces General Toopal replied, “We may march on our stomach but we need to march with all the same stuff. Ancient Air delivered what we wanted, when we wanted and where we wanted it on the dot. No problem!”  He then galloped away waving his sword in the air.

 

 

OUR FEATURE SECTION.

 

Krocs Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha writes

Now I know its cold out there so for this edition I have a couple of useful recipes to keep those feet and fingers (and in the case of our elven friends the ears as well) warm and cosy.

 

First one is an old human liquid lunch handed down from the hills and highlands wherever men meet to mountaineer. You will need a large bottle (each).

Mix one cup of whisky with one cup of rum with one cup of brandy with one cup of scotch with one cup of vodka with two cups of whisky and lastly three drops of absince. Be very careful while climbing and if someone drops his bottle run like hell as it will explode.

 

Winter Curry Rolls.

Make a large bowl of bread mix (any kind of bread mix, the taste will die anyway)

Add 7 tbls of hot curry powder (Madras or Vindaloo)

Add 1 tsp of salt

Add 5 crushed small green chilli (with seeds)

Add 3 whisked eggs to bind

Add 2 squirts of tomato sauce to colour.

Mix all together, form into bread rolls and bake for 30 min

These are best eaten cold and with gloves.

 

Till next time, Kroc.

 

Songs of Elgea.

Ardvic Grunderfutt writes

I love hearing children singing and it doesn’t matter what they look like or where they come from so today I have a couple of treats for you.

I start with an elfin junior school song from the hills of Relden and it brings a vision of summer in the forest glades

 

The squirrel dances in the trees and shows his nuts to us.

Our teacher tells us look away.

She shouldn’t make a fuss.

 

And in the dell a smelly smell reminds us to take care.

But that’s the way of nature.

Tread lightly over there.

 

The doe she runs, but not so fast, in amongst the hay.

And now the buck, he’s very quick.

Ohh, his luck is in today.

 

Young orcs grow up in a different culture but they still have that energy and passions of youth in this lively song.

 

Catch the SPIDER on the run!

Pull his LEGS off one by one!

Kill the CAT and bite the dog!

Squash the HEDGEHOG with a log!

So off we SKIP and out to play!

And have a JOLLY JOLLY day!

 

Don’t forget. A song always brings out a smile.  Ardvic.

 

 

CLASSIFIED SECTION:

 

Need a Superior Sword Quickly?                   Hides and Other Bits Needed

Ancient Air, Crafters of Repute.                      Granlik Gatherers pay well.

  If you want it we will do it!                             Send an IGM with offers.

 

   Nefflink and other town Tours.                    THIS SPACE IS FOR YOU

        See Granliks Castle.                                  Contact the Editor if you or

      Visit the I.F.T.Cowshed                              your organization want it!

 

NEWS IN BRIEF.

 

Elephants Hunt:       Lord Granlik gets 11 more elephants.

Floods in Arran:        School Open Day washed out.

Mining Disaster:       Trove mine exhausted.

Everlasting War:       Still going on.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Jan 2013 at 00:24
Could these SOSI people somehow be associated with the Temple of Reason?  And are the Editor's fingers safe when the Circle of Five reads this report?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Feb 2013 at 21:49

In the Cowshed again.  (February)

 

Midmorning, and Murdoch and Chedder are round the editor’s desk discussing the editor’s absence.

 

Chedder: “ It’s not like him to be late three days running.”

 

Murdoch:  “I don’t understand it, last week he was happy as a sand boy.”

 

Chedder:  “I agree, with the circulation figures going up 15% for the colour edition and Granlik’s confirmation of restoring our full grant plus another 10% for the responses to the hides advert in the classified section it was a joy to be working here.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “A very pleasant week sir.”

 

Chedder:  “Stop ear wigging and get on with your work in there if you don’t mind.”

 

Voices from the back office: “Yes sir!”

 

Murdoch:  “Something’s worrying him I just know it but we best get these reporters expense sheets sorted in order for when he gets here.”

 

Chedder:  “Have you seen how much Paynin puts in each month? He claims for anything that moves or smells within a mile of him. His messenger bill is more then Yalli or young Plinks combined.”

 

Murdoch: “Plink never fills his sheet in properly and always forgets where he’s been.”

 

They are interrupted by the inner door suddenly opening and the newly appointed company Lawyer enters the room and quickly approaches the desk. Both Murdoch and Chedder quickly stand up.

 

Lawyer:  “Good morning gentlemen”

 

Murdoch:  “Hallo”

 

Chedder:  “Good morning”

 

Lawyer:  “There is nothing good about it. Where is the Editor?” 

 

Murdoch:  “I’m afraid he’s not in yet. Are you settling in ok?”

 

Lawyer:  “Frankly no I’m not. And also I prefer to be known as the Legal Advisor in future. When are you expecting him?”

 

Murdoch: “Shortly we hope. Will you wait? would you like a chair?”

 

Legal Advisor: ” No I will not. Please tell him that the room allocated to me is still not finished to my satisfaction and that the other alterations agreed are incomplete. I shall return later. Goodbye gentlemen.”

 

The Legal Advisor leaves the room slamming the door. As Murdoch and Chedder sit down the door opens once more causing them to both jump up again. Plink enters the room.

 

Plink:  “Hallo. What a nice day! It’s great isn’t it?  Who was that who just rushed past me?”

 

Chedder: “Morning young Plink. That was our new Legal Advisor that was.”

 

Plink: “Oh, great! I was told we had one now.”

 

Murdoch:  “No it’s not great. I see trouble ahead from that one.”

 

Plink;  “Really?  Uncle Granlik has sent me down with a note for the editor”

 

As he speaks the Editor steps through the entrance door and stamps his feet on the welcome rug.

 

Editor:  “That bloody watchman is asleep again! I’m thinking of getting a goose in his place. I’ve got one at home in case the orcs come again. Got in the LWO war and it did a good job then. I want Paynin at once. Is Paynin around?”

 

Voice from the back office: “He’s in Keppen checking up on the elephant-flu outbreak sir”

 

Plink:  “That outbreak could be bigger then the bird-flu scare last year!”

 

Editor: I need him here now! Send a messenger to get him back here now!”

 

Murdoch:  “How are you today sir? Feeling better?”

 

Editor:   “Better? There’s nothing wrong with me, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. Someone has to do the thinking round here. Some one has to think ahead. We can’t all just sit on our buts and hope things will just carry on. Luckily for this paper and you lot I have vision and keep in touch with things, that way we keep ahead of the game!  Ok, anything I should know of?”

 

Murdoch:  “The new Legal Advisor was looking for you sir”

 

Editor:  “Oh stinking goat pats.”

 

Plink:   “And I’ve got a note for you from Uncle Granlik.”

 

Editor:  “Oh great stinking goat pats…”

 

The inner door flies open once more and the Legal Advisor comes in and advances towards the editor who quickly moves behind his desk, places his hands on it and smiles at the Advisor.

 

Editor: “Ahh, Evinska! How are you today? You look really well. That is a nice dress. Is your room finished yet? Have you moved all your stuff in ok? You know Murdoch and Chedder of course so may I introduce you to our youngest reporter Plink Ploberman… he is nephew to Lord Granlik our generous patron who I may say is a fervent supporter of female advancement in the professional classes and was particularly pleased when I told….”

 

Legal Advisor: “My study room is NOT finished and my files are STILL at my old employer and the FEMALE TOILET has not even been started as agreed at my interview. I will NOT work in an environment containing buckets labelled LEGAL STAFF ONLY and also I do not wish to eat lunch during the working week on a trestle table in the company of print operatives while being watched by bovines looking over a small wall at me and chewing cud. I therefore have DECIDED to carry out my employment duties for you at my previous employers premises, which are only 100 yards away from this building. You will pay rent to him for my occupation there. I will report to you at 1 pm sharp every day for whatever time is required and if I am needed at any other time in the working day you will send a runner to fetch me.

I shall attend ALL staff meetings and also ALL editorial policy meetings so that I can advise on matters of law, custom, public good and any other situation where I consider the paper, or its employees, may possibly be entering into a compromising position. FURTHERMORE I am of the opinion that in future a scribe is present to record all decisions reached on such occasions so as to ensure clarity and any formal responsibility.”

 

There is a long silence. Murdoch and Chedder look sideways at each other. Plink looks at Evinska with a silly smile on his face. The Editor looks at his desk, then at the ceiling, and then slowly sits down in his chair. He sighs slowly and softly and looks at his desk again, and then a close inspection reveals his mouth is moving but what he is saying cannot be made out. Finally he looks up at the Legal Advisor and in a calm even tone replies to her.

 

Editor: “Well thank you Evinska for your very welcome suggestions. I’m sure they can be accommodated into our agreement. In fact I feel they are extremely sensible and will ensure that things will run smoothly to everyone’s satisfaction. May I also say that you have certainly shown that the Illyriad Free Times is now eminently protected in the legal sense against whatever the world can now throw against us.

Is there anything else that you wish to raise at this time?”

 

Legal Advisor:  “No, I think I have covered everything for now. If you’re agreeable I’ll go back to Help4U Ltd and tell them its all sorted out. I’ll carry on working from there from now on and also take my lunch with them as well,”

 

The Editor gives her a slight nod, Evinska gives him one back, glances round the room at the others who are standing with their mouths open, gives a sniff and then goes out the main door.

 

Editor:  (leaning back in his chair)  “Well, I didn’t expect… Murdoch, take that I told you so expression of your face please…  Plink, give me your uncles note. Thank you. (He reads it and puts it on the desk)  Yes, I thought it would be about that. He asking if I have had any thoughts about the newly discovered continent.”

 

Chedder:   “Thoughts?  The announcement of its discovery was only last week”.

 

Editor: “Ah Chedder, man of little faith. That’s why I’ve been late lately. Granlik was informed some time ago – all the Lords were and he told me.  I have been thinking about these smashed lands and how they were discovered for a couple of days but mainly how could I get a reporter over there. And last night it all clicked into place.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “The new lands are broken sir, not smashed.”

 

Murdoch:  “Are you saying you know how they were found?”

 

Editor: “I’m certain about it and if I’m correct we can get a man there and back in a reasonable time. I want the next edition brought forward so that we can publish ASAP some time this month. I want that dwarf Paynin back here ASAP and I want you Plink to arrange a private meeting for me with your uncle Granlik ASAP and I want you Chedder to keep that bloody woman away from this building until the next edition is out, I don’t care how you do it, marry her if necessary and I want Yalli and all the correspondents to get their stuff in ASAP so that we can do the run ASAP. I’ve already done a quick draft of the main story.  Is that clear everybody?”

 

Plink:  “Great!” 

 

Voice from the back office: “It’s just gone midday. Do you want your lunch now sir?”

 

In the Cowshed again.  (February)

 

Midmorning, and Murdoch and Chedder are round the editor’s desk discussing the editor’s absence.

 

Chedder: “ It’s not like him to be late three days running.”

 

Murdoch:  “I don’t understand it, last week he was happy as a sand boy.”

 

Chedder:  “I agree, with the circulation figures going up 15% for the colour edition and Granlik’s confirmation of restoring our full grant plus another 10% for the responses to the hides advert in the classified section it was a joy to be working here.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “A very pleasant week sir.”

 

Chedder:  “Stop ear wigging and get on with your work in there if you don’t mind.”

 

Voices from the back office: “Yes sir!”

 

Murdoch:  “Something’s worrying him I just know it but we best get these reporters expense sheets sorted in order for when he gets here.”

 

Chedder:  “Have you seen how much Paynin puts in each month? He claims for anything that moves or smells within a mile of him. His messenger bill is more then Yalli or young Plinks combined.”

 

Murdoch: “Plink never fills his sheet in properly and always forgets where he’s been.”

 

They are interrupted by the inner door suddenly opening and the newly appointed company Lawyer enters the room and quickly approaches the desk. Both Murdoch and Chedder quickly stand up.

 

Lawyer:  “Good morning gentlemen”

 

Murdoch:  “Hallo”

 

Chedder:  “Good morning”

 

Lawyer:  “There is nothing good about it. Where is the Editor?” 

 

Murdoch:  “I’m afraid he’s not in yet. Are you settling in ok?”

 

Lawyer:  “Frankly no I’m not. And also I prefer to be known as the Legal Advisor in future. When are you expecting him?”

 

Murdoch: “Shortly we hope. Will you wait? would you like a chair?”

 

Legal Advisor: ” No I will not. Please tell him that the room allocated to me is still not finished to my satisfaction and that the other alterations agreed are incomplete. I shall return later. Goodbye gentlemen.”

 

The Legal Advisor leaves the room slamming the door. As Murdoch and Chedder sit down the door opens once more causing them to both jump up again. Plink enters the room.

 

Plink:  “Hallo. What a nice day! It’s great isn’t it?  Who was that who just rushed past me?”

 

Chedder: “Morning young Plink. That was our new Legal Advisor that was.”

 

Plink: “Oh, great! I was told we had one now.”

 

Murdoch:  “No it’s not great. I see trouble ahead from that one.”

 

Plink;  “Really?  Uncle Granlik has sent me down with a note for the editor”

 

As he speaks the Editor steps through the entrance door and stamps his feet on the welcome rug.

 

Editor:  “That bloody watchman is asleep again! I’m thinking of getting a goose in his place. I’ve got one at home in case the orcs come again. Got in the LWO war and it did a good job then. I want Paynin at once. Is Paynin around?”

 

Voice from the back office: “He’s in Keppen checking up on the elephant-flu outbreak sir”

 

Plink:  “That outbreak could be bigger then the bird-flu scare last year!”

 

Editor: I need him here now! Send a messenger to get him back here now!”

 

Murdoch:  “How are you today sir? Feeling better?”

 

Editor:   “Better? There’s nothing wrong with me, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. Someone has to do the thinking round here. Some one has to think ahead. We can’t all just sit on our buts and hope things will just carry on. Luckily for this paper and you lot I have vision and keep in touch with things, that way we keep ahead of the game!  Ok, anything I should know of?”

 

Murdoch:  “The new Legal Advisor was looking for you sir”

 

Editor:  “Oh stinking goat pats.”

 

Plink:   “And I’ve got a note for you from Uncle Granlik.”

 

Editor:  “Oh great stinking goat pats…”

 

The inner door flies open once more and the Legal Advisor comes in and advances towards the editor who quickly moves behind his desk, places his hands on it and smiles at the Advisor.

 

Editor: “Ahh, Evinska! How are you today? You look really well. That is a nice dress. Is your room finished yet? Have you moved all your stuff in ok? You know Murdoch and Chedder of course so may I introduce you to our youngest reporter Plink Ploberman… he is nephew to Lord Granlik our generous patron who I may say is a fervent supporter of female advancement in the professional classes and was particularly pleased when I told….”

 

Legal Advisor: “My study room is NOT finished and my files are STILL at my old employer and the FEMALE TOILET has not even been started as agreed at my interview. I will NOT work in an environment containing buckets labelled LEGAL STAFF ONLY and also I do not wish to eat lunch during the working week on a trestle table in the company of print operatives while being watched by bovines looking over a small wall at me and chewing cud. I therefore have DECIDED to carry out my employment duties for you at my previous employers premises, which are only 100 yards away from this building. You will pay rent to him for my occupation there. I will report to you at 1 pm sharp every day for whatever time is required and if I am needed at any other time in the working day you will send a runner to fetch me.

I shall attend ALL staff meetings and also ALL editorial policy meetings so that I can advise on matters of law, custom, public good and any other situation where I consider the paper, or its employees, may possibly be entering into a compromising position. FURTHERMORE I am of the opinion that in future a scribe is present to record all decisions reached on such occasions so as to ensure clarity and any formal responsibility.”

 

There is a long silence. Murdoch and Chedder look sideways at each other. Plink looks at Evinska with a silly smile on his face. The Editor looks at his desk, then at the ceiling, and then slowly sits down in his chair. He sighs slowly and softly and looks at his desk again, and then a close inspection reveals his mouth is moving but what he is saying cannot be made out. Finally he looks up at the Legal Advisor and in a calm even tone replies to her.

 

Editor: “Well thank you Evinska for your very welcome suggestions. I’m sure they can be accommodated into our agreement. In fact I feel they are extremely sensible and will ensure that things will run smoothly to everyone’s satisfaction. May I also say that you have certainly shown that the Illyriad Free Times is now eminently protected in the legal sense against whatever the world can now throw against us.

Is there anything else that you wish to raise at this time?”

 

Legal Advisor:  “No, I think I have covered everything for now. If you’re agreeable I’ll go back to Help4U Ltd and tell them its all sorted out. I’ll carry on working from there from now on and also take my lunch with them as well,”

 

The Editor gives her a slight nod, Evinska gives him one back, glances round the room at the others who are standing with their mouths open, gives a sniff and then goes out the main door.

 

Editor:  (leaning back in his chair)  “Well, I didn’t expect… Murdoch, take that I told you so expression of your face please…  Plink, give me your uncles note. Thank you. (He reads it and puts it on the desk)  Yes, I thought it would be about that. He asking if I have had any thoughts about the newly discovered continent.”

 

Chedder:   “Thoughts?  The announcement of its discovery was only last week”.

 

Editor: “Ah Chedder, man of little faith. That’s why I’ve been late lately. Granlik was informed some time ago – all the Lords were and he told me.  I have been thinking about these smashed lands and how they were discovered for a couple of days but mainly how could I get a reporter over there. And last night it all clicked into place.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “The new lands are broken sir, not smashed.”

 

Murdoch:  “Are you saying you know how they were found?”

 

Editor: “I’m certain about it and if I’m correct we can get a man there and back in a reasonable time. I want the next edition brought forward so that we can publish ASAP some time this month. I want that dwarf Paynin back here ASAP and I want you Plink to arrange a private meeting for me with your uncle Granlik ASAP and I want you Chedder to keep that bloody woman away from this building until the next edition is out, I don’t care how you do it, marry her if necessary and I want Yalli and all the correspondents to get their stuff in ASAP so that we can do the run ASAP. I’ve already done a quick draft of the main story.  Is that clear everybody?”

 

Plink:  “Great!” 

 

Voice from the back office: “It’s just gone midday. Do you want your lunch now sir?”

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Feb 2013 at 15:50

 

         The Illyriad Free Times.

            Published in Tor Carrock                                          Issue No 8.  February 2013

        

        BROKEN LANDS DISCOVERY DISCLOSED.

 Once more it is left to the Illyriad Free Times to reveal how the new continent situated far across the southern ocean was recently discovered and forced the Authorities to rapidly announce a string of misleading information. The whole of Elgea is still awash with rumours as to how it was found which includes magical spell casting by the Circle of Five or various magical based factions, secret official government expeditions using advanced seagoing craft, various alliances deploying special unknown powers (these mainly name those who are called after winged creatures such as the Crows or Eagles) and even the new cult of Scientific Investigations as revealed in our last edition.

 The Times can now announce the true facts but by far the most disgraceful element is the total absence of any news by any official spokesman or indeed any reference at all to the man who did it by the Herald newspaper! We say no more about this censorship, this arrogance of power. All we say is this paper refuses to be gagged by those who wish you to remain in ignorance of the true facts regarding the Broken Lands.

 And so we can now tell you how it was done! A dwarven pirate did it! For years Whitebeard the Pirate and his crew of free orcs have sailed the southern shores robbing certain fat coastal traders of there ill-gotten wealth and then distributing it to the needy and down trodden poor of the coastal cities. A compatriot of the legendary PirateKing, Whitebeard had studied the tales of a land far to the south and had made many attempts to find it. And early last year by masterly seamanship he succeeded in his quest and made a number of successful crossings. Details are still uncertain but it is known that there are kingdoms over there but more importantly living space for our burgeoning population here in Elgea.

 This paper has obtained secret plans being developed by the Authorities to allow movement to the new lands and we understand these will be announced in due course.

 However the Illyriad Free Times is proud to announce that one of our top reporters is already on his way to the new land. Paynin Zeass sailed south some days ago aboard Captain Whitebeard’s ship, The Floating Keg, which has been fully refitted out by a grant from  Lord Granlik of Tor Carrock , patron of this paper.

Our next edition will carry Paynin’s (an old associate of Captain Whitebeard) first report from the new continent and we are certain it will an engrossing read. Order your copy now!

 

         SLOW DEATH OF THE MOST DEADLY WAR.    

By Yalli Hathingnor Senior Reporter

 

The war is ending but unlike most Illyriad wars it seems that the specific date will depend on where you are standing. With the sudden dissolution of Consone siege trains shuddered to a halt all over the land and caused massive traffic jams. In places battles still raged while at others spontaneous friendly football matches between opposing forces broke out, leading in one case to a Harmless? Field Marshal having a severe heart attack.

Within days diplomats were speeding everywhere and in the cities of the Leaders of Harmless? the queues at the consulates became difficult to manage as delegations from some (not all) of their opponents arrived, mixed with traders, hangers on, crafters, Allied partners, well-wishers, warmongers, merchants and a large number of Lords wishing to join Harmless? before the 100 members limit was reached.

However it seems that the peace is going to be made up of a lot of individual pieces and in some cases not for some months. Yet urgency can be seen on the faces of all the major Alliance Leaders. They all want it over quickly for they are all looking towards the southern horizon where the Broken Lands has appeared and they all want a piece of it. The war may be ending but a new race has begun. 

 

              CRAFTING ALLIANCE CEASES TRADING.

By Plink Ploberman, Junior Reporter.

 Only a month after receiving its first delivery of crafted weapons the War Office was dismayed to hear that its chosen supplier Ancient Air, based in Ursor had closed its doors to new business. Horse Major Johhn Rekett of the Nefflik Heavy Brigade was shocked at the news “I nearly fell of my horse when I heard” he told me. “The equipment is first class but I understand only the mounted units have been supplied at the moment”

It is understood that another supplier is being sought urgently but local craft firms are now pressing for in house manufacturing to be considered. The mayor of Nofflink is reported to be preparing to address the Overseeing Committee at its next meeting in Nefflink and put forward the case for local craftsmen.

 

 

 OUR FEATURES SECTION.

 

Krocs Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha writes

 I often get asked what equipment is needed in a modest kitchen, so today I’ll give you my tips so that you will be able to prepare and cook tasty and healthy meals.

The basic tools I use are as follows.

Large Club, Large Knife. Large Saw, Large roasting Tub, Large Pot, Large Spoon (to stir things in pot) Large Table, Large Bucket for bones and fiddly bits and finally some large plates or bowls.       With these most meals can be prepared and served.

 You will also need a Large Cupboard to keep a stock of adds and spices in.

My cupboard normally contains jars of dried blood, wet blood, coriander, dried gristle, ground bones, salt, pepper, eyeballs, flour, crushed mice and elves ears.

 Lastly you will need a body of some sorts but that’s up to you!  Till next time folks.

 

 

Songs of Elgea.

Ardvic Grunderfutt writes

Like the whole of Elgea I was amazed at the news of a far away land and have asked our gallant reporter Paynin who, as I write, is on his way there to try and take notes of any songs the locals there sing. In time I hope to travel there myself! Oh Joy!Anyway, recent official news about the Broken Lands mentions the WindSeekers of the southern shore. These people live by and on the sea and love to swim in the quite bays of their homeland; Here is one of their songs traditionally sung as they swim together in harmony.

I’m forever blowing bubbles, frothy bubbles in the air

You swim on by, I try to catch your eye

 
But all you think of is that bloody other guy.

So we will all swim together, till the end of day.

Hang on, lets forget it, there’s a Killer whale in the bay!
 

 

 
 

CLASSIFIED SECTION:

 

Need a Superior Sword Quickly?                   Hides and Other Bits Needed

Ancient Air, Crafters of Repute.                      Granlik Gatherers pay well.

   If you want it we will do it!                             Send an IGM with offers.

Delete above ad. No longer trading.

Proof-reader.

 

   Nefflink and other town Tours.                    THIS SPACE IS FOR YOU

        See Granliks Castle.                                  Contact the Editor if you or

      Visit the I.F.T.Cowshed                              your organization want it!

 

 

 

NEWS IN BRIEF.

 

Snowstorms in Tallimar:    Livestock starve.

Heavy Rain in Tallimar:     Harvest delayed.

Floods in Tallimar:              Homes swept away.

Mudslide in Tallimar:         Reporter lost.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Feb 2013 at 18:39
congrats to the editorial staff on another great issue.  I look forward to seeing an interview with Whitebeard soon(tm).
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kumomoto Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Feb 2013 at 19:01
Great Issue!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Detritus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Feb 2013 at 01:18
Originally posted by Granlik Granlik wrote:

 In places battles still raged while at others spontaneous friendly football matches between opposing forces broke out, leading in one case to a Harmless? Field Marshal having a severe heart attack.


Congratulations to another well researched edition. Clap

Sages wants to say deepest condolences to the family of the Coalition Field Marshal Lord Q. (49) (name altered for military secrecy), fallen victim to a friendly match after surviving month of hard combat... Cry

...and I have to add proudly, that though we lost the war, we won the match 2:1 after penalty shootout...  LOL


Edited by Detritus - 21 Feb 2013 at 01:26
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Spp/Dwarfdruid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Mar 2013 at 16:16
LOVE THESES
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