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The Illyarid Free Times.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jul 2012 at 14:29
Gran, you are my hero.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gilthoniel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jul 2012 at 14:38
Originally posted by Granlik Granlik wrote:

                            The Illyriad Free Times.                        Issue 4

 Published in Tor Carrock                                                                                           Summer 2012                                                                                                                       


Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha here again with something for the ladies! This will get your man running your way and there will be no stopping him when he wants to thank you for a full stomach.

 Mushroom and Hairy Pongo Horn soup.

Take 6 large purple spotted mushrooms and one Viagra Hen egg and mash them together, add a cup of strong ale and whisk. Put to one side.

Obtain 10 oz of crushed Hairy Pong Horn (you may have some difficulty in getting this as it is banned in most regions – don’t ask why)

Mix the crushed horn with 6 oz of sugar and then heat the mash till it is nice and warm. Add the mix, season to taste and serve at once.

 Commence small talk until the soup takes effect (this varies with age and target type. unfortunately men and elves sometimes just fall over)

I’ll be back soon with more mouth watering recipes from around the continent.



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Aug 2012 at 22:29

In the Cowshed. (August)

The midday sun shines down on the side door of the Nafflink Cowshed above which hangs the sign The Illyriad Free Times.  A Coach draws up and disgorges a passenger who gives his arms a quick stretch, picks up a large bag and strides towards the door.


Inside the main office of the Times the assistant editor, Murdoch, is sitting in the Editors chair with his feet on the editors desk. He is counting the flies on the ceiling while the Chief of Staff, Chedder, is dozing on a small bunk near the door to the pressroom,

There is another door to the back office which is slightly ajar and from where can be heard the clink of bottles and the murmur of quite conversation

In the middle of the room is a long work desk with several chairs around it. The desk itself is covered with piles of letters, newspapers, sheets, maps and other assorted material. A young man with a beard is standing at it and studying one of the maps.

 The door suddenly flees open and the Editor strides in.

 Editor: “Right! I’m back!”

Murdoch jerks upright and looks with horror at the Editor, Chedder wakes up and tries to sit up but loses his balance and falls on the floor. The young man throws out his arms and gives a large smile.

 Plink:  “Welcome back sir!”

Murdoch:  “Sir!”

 Plink:  “Your back early sir!”

Murdoch:  "Your back early sir, Is everything alright?”

 Chedder:  (now standing up) "Sir!"

 Voice in the back office: “Oh my Great Aunt! He’s come back early!"

 Editor:  "I’m fine!  Five weeks is enough to be away from here so I’ve come back a week early. Can’t wait to get stuck in again! I feel fresh as a daisy and have some brilliant ideas for the paper!  How’s everything going? The next edition should be well on its way by now eh? Has Paynin sent in his copy about the Troggs yet? Have we heard from that chap who left the Herald under a cloud? He would be very useful to us if we could get him on board…. Can I sit in my chair Murdoch or is your bum stuck in it, come on – move!  Thank you, now where are we?”

 Murdoch:  "Welcome back sir, err, Paynin has sent a brief column from Troggland but said he was running out of cash so I sent him some more. The Herald chap has disappeared. Yalli has gone to look for him, he heard he was somewhere in Middle Kingdom. Most of the next edition is in place but as I said we’re waiting for Paynin's main bit. Lord Granlik wants to see you as soon as you are back. Err; there are several more letters for you to read. How was Perrigor?”

 Editor: “Perrigor was fine; the food was out of this world. What does Granlik want to see me for? I though I satisfied him on everything just before I left for Perrigor”

 Chedder:  "He wants to talk to you about our reporters using messenger horses to get around." He knew that they send in their reports by messenger but thought they all used their own horses to travel around.”

 Editor:  "Damn, how did he find that out?”

 Plink:  "That was me sir." Uncle Granlik asked me how I liked going to Lan Larosh to cover the war there and I told him it was great and how it was great to ride a fast messenger horse and how I kept getting lost and how it was great to just order another messenger horse to get to the right place by saying the Times would pay for it and how great I felt being a top reporter covering a great story. Uncle Granlik said I did a great job but said why didn’t I use Primrose, my own horse to go there so I told him that Times reporters always use messenger horses and they are great to ride. Uncle Granlik went very red in the face when I told him that and said he would have a word with you sir.”

 Editor: “What? You’re young Plink?  Granlik's nephew?  How long have you had a beard?  You didn’t have one when I left. I thought you were one of the print men! Thieve all got beards.”

 Plink:  "I grew it to look older and look like a tough reporter, I think it looks great, Uncle Granlik thinks it looks great." My girlfriend thinks it looks great.”

 Cheddar:  "It does suit him…."

 Murdoch: “The print guild insists on their members having beards.”

 Editor: "Enough! I should never have left this place! I need a drink.”

 Voice from the back office:  "On it’s way sir! Glad your back sir!”

 Editor:  "Now, while I was away I heard about all these new methods about using herbs and skins and things that are just lying around but can now be used to make things that do things to things. The Herald has been doing stuff about it and we will have to put something in the next edition about it. Ideas please….”

 Murdoch:  "Err"

 Chedder:  "Err"

 Plink:  "Uncle Granlik said he was going to ask you about that.”

 Editor: “Oh my God………”

 Murdoch: "Ahh….." No”.

 Plink:  "I have an idea sir!"

 Editor:  "Yes?"

 Plink: “Ask some one who knows about it!”

 Editor: “Oh my God………”

 Chedder:  "Nufflink!"

 Editor:  "What?"

 Chedder:  "The new mayor of Nufflink!  Granlik has just appointed him. We were at collage together and he was one of those weirdoes who believed in something called science, which could someday be better then magic. He used to collect herbs, rocks, and frog legs and do funny things to them.”

 Editor:  "Sounds a bit of a nutcase to me. Anyway, that’s it! Chedder, get of to Nufflick ASAP and ask him about it. Murdoch! Get Yalli back here ASAP and also send to Paynin that we want his final copy now. Plink! I have job for you and you are NOT to go anywhere near your uncle until I say so. Office!"

 Voice from the back office:  "Sir?"

 Editor:  "Check the print works and make sure the print men are on standby. Check the cows are fit to turn the wheels. Check the ink barrels are full and paper stocks are here. Lets get issue five up and running!”  


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Sep 2012 at 21:34

Published in Tor Carrock      The Illyriad Free Times.         Issue 5

                                                                                                                                    Summer  2012.


                       An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.


                                   A FREE TIMES EXCLUSIVE.

          Trogg Origin Finally Found Outside Frontier!

From our Reporter Paynin Zeeass camped somewhere in the Eastern Extremities.


Readers of the Free Times! You won’t find my location on any official map of Elgea, in fact its very existence will be denied by anyone in authority in all regions and central government. And yet from where I report a small, slow but steady stream of people are setting out on a difficult journey to begin a new life in a place near you!

 The four main races of Dwarf, Elves, Man and Orc are evenly distributed throughout Elgea and also, living amongst us are many minor ones as well. These tend to be settled in specific areas and do not normally move outside them. They are collectively known as factions and contact with them is difficult as they shun outsiders. However there is one race that is well known for its willingness to constantly move around from place to place, in small groups numbering just a few score. Of course you all know whom I am referring to, I am talking about the Troggs!

 We all know the Troggs, very large and slow moving, twice as strong as a horse, always with a large smile and offering to hold a roof up, chop down a tree or smash down that wall for you. But then they get bored and move on in their caravans to the next town leaving an acre of rubbish to be cleared! Everyone is pleased to see them go!

But where have they all come from you ask? And now I can tell you. After overcoming a difficult, dangerous and costly (editor please note) journey I discovered one of a small number of hidden pathways through the long eastern mountain barrier to the vast lands beyond! I found myself in the Eastern Extremities, the homeland of the Troggs. Here in this rocky, desolate, unforgiving, and sparse landscape the Troggs scratch out a pitiful existence.

 Moving amongst them (as a smallish dwarf I was constantly in danger of being trodden on) I have found that almost the whole population harbours a dream to eventually move to “the land of plenty” beyond the mountains. A few Troggs have returned home with untold treasures, blankets, socks, boiled eggs and even sometimes a cuddly toy for a younger sibling. Every day more set out towards the passes, which thankfully only allow one Trogg at a time to squeeze through.

 But their numbers in Elgea grow hour by hour and thousands of Troggs are massed near my small, cheap tent waiting their turn. In fact I shall now attempt to return home and claim my expenses. Wish me luck! 


                     Bumping Mania Sweeps Elgea.

Since the recent discovery of exotic resources such as herbs and minerals the number of bumping incidents has grown tenfold as almost all towns now struggle to gather these important items.

 Whereas just a few months ago harvesting was seen as a staid occupation and a bump was normally accepted with a “Sorry old chap” or “Oh, I didn’t see you there” now a particular type of bump is treated as almost a declaration of War.

 Many newly formed settlements now believe that “Aggro bumps” are the norm and established towns now expect problems. It is the harvesting of rare minerals, salts and animal skins that cause a rise in the temperature and towns are increasingly squatting troops on mineral loads. Even amongst alliances tempers are getting frayed.

 The All41,14All Alliance, based mainly in Kal Tirikan is a prime example. Out of the 37 members no less then 28 decided to concentrate on mining black Salt and as there are only 4 such mines in the region this has caused trouble. A total of 387 bumps in three weeks has resulted in 31 sieges, 67 diplo attacks and the largest town had all of its caravan wheels stolen overnight. The Alliance is now in danger of total collapse.

A calming approach is urgently needed but unfortunately the Authorities, and their mouthpiece, the Herald are silent on this danger to civilised behaviour.


                           Sixth Town for Federal Union!

Plink Ploberman reporting:

At a formal ceremony held in the central square of Nyfflick Lord Granlik Ploberman planted a chestnut tree to symbolise the growing Federal Union which has now passed the 20,000 population marker. He also appointed Tricnib Scuttlepox as the first Mayor of Nyfflick and said he intended to keep a close eye on the new town.

 Also present were the mayors of Nafflink, Nefflink, Nifflink, Nofflink and Nufflink as were delegates from their respective Mage Towers and Town Armies.

The new town is expected to concentrate mainly on the new technology of Gathering once the reason for gathering has been established. A number of the new buildings are planned although which type of buildings is still being discussed by the New Building Committee. A Building Placement Committee is to be formed to decide where in the town they will go, once the type has been decided.

The Times has opened a local distribution office (LDC) in the Cowshed as usual.


Cookery Corner.

Unfortunately Kroc is unable to present his normal column due to being admitted to Nefflink General Hospital last week suffering from extreme gastronomic malfunction, internal contortions and toxic poisoning.

However he is an Orc so we expect him back on duty shortly.

 Songs of Elgea

By Ardvick Grunderfutt.

Howdy Dudes!  Here I am once more with more songs for your enjoyment.

Love they say makes the world go round and some songs have the ability to transcend language and to impart that depth of feeling even when sung in the original tongue. From here in Tor Carrock comes this eternal human love song in which a boy pleads with a girl.

                       “Ricky dicky piddly poo,   Ricky dicky Iluvu”

                     “Wassa matta silly moo,     Ricky dicky Iluvu”


                 “Ricky dicky piddly pon,    Ricky dicky We’re all allon”

                      “Wassa matta silly moo,     Ricky dicky Iluvu”


                    “Ricky dicky piddly pay,    Ricky dicky Its ok”

                      “Wassa matta silly moo,   Ricky dicky Iluvu”


                                   “Ricky! Dicky! Piddly! Woo!!”

                                   “Ricky dicky wasit goodfor you?”


                                       “Wassa matta silly cow?”

                                  “Cya some time, gotta gownow”.


Next is a Ballard from the RockTroggs who live in the Eastern Extremities. This is a heart-rending story of a young Trogg who yearns to become a Cowpat Gatherer. But his family is too poor and cannot afford the six-year apprenticeship.

And so he joins the army and is sent overseas where, in the middle of battle he is unfortunately struck by lightning. As he lies dying, in a foreign field far from home and his loved ones he thinks of what might have been and sings this plaintive lament.


                                                   “Oh ….. F”

 Well doesn’t time fly! Once again I must say farewell and speed on my way. Till we meet again!   Ardvick.


 Letter to the Editor.

Here at the Times office I get many letters and comments about the paper, me, national and local events, and sometimes even offensive parcels. I will now print what I consider the most topical one in each new edition.

The Editor.

 Dear Sir,

I was extremely pleased to read your report about unauthorised buildings in the last edition. Here in my own town a local craze for children’s Tree houses has meant that it is impossible to do anything in the garden or indeed the bedroom without being watched by scores of children who should be at school. The parents of these children do nothing to control their brood indeed I have heard them talk amongst themselves that “it gets them out of the house” I have reported the matter to my local community councillor but unfortunately his main occupation is a carpenter and I believe he is the one responsible for the craze in the first place.

J.P.Snork,  Dulwich,  Mella.


Other News.

Mugger repelled:  Blind Orc sees off large Dragon,

Explosion:   Large bang in Mage Tower. 

Heart of Corruption: Tour Party Vanishes.

Fighting in Mal Mosha:  Orc debate gets out of hand.       

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Sep 2012 at 22:30

In the Cowshed.  Late September.


It is a hive of activity in the main office of the Illyriad Free Times. Chedder, Head of Staff is at the activity table along with Kroc, the food section columnist, Plink, junior reporter, and a copy assistant.

 Murdoch, Assistant editor and Yalli, senior reporter are in conversation with the Editor at his desk while a messenger sits on the couch waiting to take an urgent note for a field reporter in Middle Kingdom. From the back office voices can be heard arguing.

 Without warning the entrance door bursts open and a page enters followed by two trumpeters. The trumpeters jostle into a line, raise their trumpets and blow forth.

 Trumpeters: “TAT TA, TAT TA, TAT TAAaaa….”

 Page: “Lord Granlik of Nafflink and other Dwellings in the County of Tor Carrock!”

 Trumpeters: “TA, TAT TAT TAT TAAaaa”

 Lord Granlik: (stepping through the door)  “Good afternoon everyone”

 He is greeted with panic and a chorus of “Sire!” “My Lord!”  “My Liege!”  “Sir!” “ Your Worship!” and “Uncle Granlik!” (This from Plink who is his favourite nephew)

 Granlik: “At ease everyone, Editor? Where’s the Editor?”

 Editor: (quickly standing up)  “Here my Lord”

 Granlik: “Ahh….”  He walks over to the desk as everyone scrambles out of the way and goes round it and sits in the Editors chair. The Editor moves to the front of the desk and Murdoch moves to stand just behind him. A silence falls in the room.

 The silence continues. Everyone is looking at Granlik and waits for him to speak

 Voice (very quite) from the back office: “What’s going on?”

 Second Voice (even quieter): “ For Gods sake, shut up!”

 Granlik: “I have a problem. And I want to hear your view on it, Editor, as you are the cause of it. I should have come earlier as it is now bigger then it was before the last edition when I thought of coming but then changed my mind, which I now regret”

 Editor: “Problem my Lord?”

 Granlik: “Yes, a problem. It’s about these Alliances. It can’t go on. It’s got to be sorted out. What is your view?  Ehh?  Your view?”

 Editor: “My view my Lord? You want my view?  My view?”

 Granlik: “Yes, I want your view. That’s what I just said. Can I have a view please?”

 Editor: “A view, err, view.”

 There is a short silence. The Editor seems lost for words, which is unusual for him. His assistant Murdoch, quickly rescues his employer.

 Murdoch: “My Liege, we are aware of the problem but we are only humble printers unused to the world of diplomacy and alliances and would be grateful if you could explain the more complex nuances that must be taken into consideration before coming to a decision that would satisfy all parties, and not cause any disaffection to those who cannot be included in the final analysis.”

 Granlik: “ Well said! You’ve got a good man there Editor. Wasn’t he in the Consulate before he applied to join your staff?   Now, I must decide soon about whether or not to join an alliance. Since April I’ve had over twenty odd invitations to join different alliances and I’m now getting almost one a week. I’ve written letters to all of them putting off a decision, there are big ones, small ones, very big ones, new ones, odd ones, old ones that have been going for years ones, nice ones, ones I don’t want to annoy and ones I’d like to join but don’t want to upset all the other ones. So I don’t really know what to do and its all your fault.”

 Editor: “Err you, err, sire, we were in a nice alliance some time ago sire, that’s when I started the paper. There was no problem then”

 Granlik:  “The problem is your bloody paper! I remember you coming to me for a grant after I left LWO and saying that now I was an independent Lord again the Times could print, under my patronage, whatever it wished and would not be seen attached to any specific alliance. Also you said it would attract lots of sponsors so that I wouldn’t have to pay for it. You also said it would benefit the treasury and local traders as it would lead to more tourism to my towns. You said it would also help bring a greater recognition by King Siguard and the Royal Court. None of those has happened but now every time you print a new edition more invites come flooding in. One of them has asked me three times now. It’s embarrassing and I’ve got to do something about it.”

 Plink; “ Uncle, I remember you told me that you liked being in an alliance and that you enjoyed the alliance chat. You were always telling me about what was going on in the alliance uncle, and you said that you made some good friends in the alliance. You were always saying that to everybody at the castle”

 Granlik: “I know, I know. There are lots of advantages when you are in an alliance but now there could be problems if I am in one. Alliances tend to get into wars and there is always someone shooting their mouth off and treading on someone’s toes and it would be difficult running a impartial paper when you are in a war”

 Murdoch: “My Liege, we now see the full aspect of the problem. It must weigh heavy on you head. Perhaps if you could hear the thoughts of some of the more humble members of you subjects it may provide you with a more comprehensive view of the attitude of the wider populace?”

 Granlik: “Well, that may be useful, the common touch ehh?  Has everyone been listening? Yes? Very well then, you may all speak freely and without prejudice to life or limb. Have no fear; just tell me what you think. Do you think I should join one of the alliances that have asked me to join them, taking all the various considerations into account? Yes or No?”

 Editor: “No, my Lord.”

 Page:   “No, Sire”

 Chedder: “No Sire”

 Kroc:  “Nahh mate, err My Lord”

 Murdoch “ No my Liege”

 Plink: “Yes Uncle”

 Trumpeter1:  “No my Lord”

.Yalli  “No Sire”

 Voice from back office  “No way Sire”

 Messenger “No your Worship”

 Assistant  “Err”

 Trumpeter 2: “ No my Lord”

 Granlik:” Who said yes?”

 Plink: “ Me Uncle, I could visit all the other members of the alliance and perhaps if it goes to war I could lead one of your armies and win a great battle and not only that some of the other Lords have some great daughters and perhaps…”

 Granlik: “Enough lad, I get your point. Well this has been useful. Before I came here I asked my advisors at Nefflink and most of them said it would be a mistake to join a specific alliance.  Indeed, one of the main worries was that if I was in an alliance all the others would view the Times with some suspicion and seek to find bias in any news or reporting of events”

 Editor: “My Lord. Please accept my sincere apologies for putting you in this position. I am sure an independent free press, publishing without fear or favour, unlike some other publication I could mention, shows to the whole country that you are a man of clear and uplifting principles and one who is respected by the leaders of all the great alliances in this land.”

 Chedder: (mumbling) “hear hear”

 Yalli: “Sire, if I may. As a previous servant of the King, I know he welcomes strong leadership within Elgea as an example to those inexperienced lords who are just beginning to build their own establishments.”

 Granlik: “Hrm”

 Granlik: “I need some time alone….”

 The room descends into silence once more. Everyone looks at Granlik waiting for him to do something. One of the trumpeters has a runny nose and gives a noisy sniff. The Page gets ready.  Granlik gives him a slight nod and stands up.

 Page:  “The Lord Granlik!”

 Trumpeters: “TUT TUT TUT TA”

 Everyone gives a slight bow; everybody nods and mumbles “My Lord” 

 Granlik stands and then leaves the room followed by his Page and the trumpeters. A Trooper who has been standing by the door follows the trumpeters out. From outside can be heard clashes of arms, orders, and the jingle of horses.

 Inside the main office everyone relaxes. The editor slowly makes his way to his chair and sits down in it. From outside there is the sound of a column of horses riding off.

 Editor: “Jeeze. I need a drink. A large one.” 

 He leans back in his chair and then looks up again.

 Editor: “Office!”

 Voice from back office:” “Sir?”

 Editor: “I want a doorman’s hut outside the entrance door and I want a doorman there at all times and I want a hole in the wall so he can let us know if anyone is coming and I want it done now…”

 Voice from back office:” Yes sir.”

 Editor: “Where’s my drink?”

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Sep 2012 at 22:52
/me sends another invite
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Taelin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Sep 2012 at 07:20
A very wise decision Granlik!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Oct 2012 at 16:18

In the Consulate.  Mid October.

Committee Room Five.


It is early morning and the sun streams through the six windows along the eastern wall onto the long oak table in the Nafflink Consulate and the thirty odd members of the newly formed Overseeing Committee. They are all looking at the elderly man seated at the head of the table.

This person gives a cough, looks quickly at his notes, clears his throat and then addresses the members.

 Chair:  “Welcome gentlemen to this first meeting of the Overseeing committee. We are honoured to have been charged by Lord Granlik to insure that his vision of a modern, efficient, productive, forward looking and smooth running Union of the six towns come to fruition without any rancour or discord between the various structural elements that are essential in such an enterprise.

To ensure that everybody knows who represents what, can I insist that when you address the committee you state your position, interest or department? This will be extremely helpful.”

 Army General: (aside to the person on his left) “How comes he is the chair of this dogs dinner?”

 Mayor of Nefflink: (replying in a low voice) “ He’s Lord Granlik's uncle on his mothers side, he was only a brewer, stupid old duffer.”

 Diplomatic Corps: “ Can I say that the department in all of the towns is fully committed to working towards such a goal.”

 Nyfflink:  Can I ask then why the Consulate in Nyfflink is at least two months behind schedule and when will my town have a fully functioning messenger service?”

 Diplomatic Corps: “I can assure the mayor that everything is being done to remedy the situation”

 Nyfflink: “ That doesn’t answer my....”

 Chair: “ I don’t think this is the place for specific problems to be discussed”

 Chief Mage: “            Then what are we here for then? My people are still waiting for a number of research projects to be completed”

 Nofflink: “What I want to know is who decided that we should have all the new gatherer buildings in Nofflink. Most of my townspeople would prefer to work in the more traditional industries like armaments.”

 Chair: “On that point everyone has a copy of the overall future town distribution structures and these have already been agreed at a higher level. We are hear to speed up the program, not alter it”

 Army: “ So who agreed all of this?”

 Human Resources: “Lord Granlik’s special advisory team”

 Army:” What? Who the hell are you?”

 Human Recourses: “I’m from Lord Granlik’s special advisory team”

 Storehouses and Vault Section: (aside to person on his right) “What on earth is human recourses?”

 Chief Mage: “Never heard of it and I don’t like his attitude”

 Chair: “Settle down please, can you all speak via the chair not talk amongst yourselves, we haven’t dealt with item one yet”

Treasury: “Item one is most important and is the key to the structure plans”

 Chair: “Yes. Item One. Taxation Levels”

 Nufflink: “It’s much to high and us smaller towns should have a lower rate then the Capital”

 Nyfflink and Nofflink: “Agreed”

 Nefflink: “Rubbish!”

 Nafflink: “Agreed!”

 Nofflink: ”You agree with us? Well done!”

 Nafflink: “No, I agreed with him, all towns should pay the same”

 Chair: “ Order, order. The Treasury has the floor!”

 Treasury: “ Its quite simple really. We must have a total assured income to insure that overall resources are at a high level. Once this is agreed and we are sure that we are assured of this we can then surely distribute resources to those who are unsure of their own recourse levels at any specific time. Thus they will then be assured and sure that they will meet their agreed targets. I’m sure we are all agreed on this and I’m also sure that Lord Granlik will be assured if we do so”

There is a general mumble of agreement around the table and it is clear that the mayors of the three smaller towns are in a minority.

 Chair: “ Very well then. Item one is agreed. All towns pay the same rate”

 Chair: “Item two. Barrack levels in the smaller towns”

 Army: “Local armies should really be as high as possible everywhere. I must remind the committee that we are not in any alliance and, along with my friend from the Diplomatic Corps, I feel we must maintain the highest military level possible.”

 Diplomatic Corps: “ That also goes for the thief numbers in the smaller towns. By not being in an alliance, and I blame that paper published in Nafflink for that, we need to always be vigilant against threats for outside.”

 Nofflink: “Yes, our runes were triggered last month, the sods all got fried to a crisp but the smell hung over the town for a week”

 Brewery and Tavern Association: “ Hold on, we get a lot of visitors due to the Times and I hear that the next edition will have some advertising which will attract

 more tourists”

 Libraries: “I wish to protest at the pitiful amount of resources allocated to the library division throughout the Union”

 Chair: “I must insist people keep to the point. The Farmers have indicated that they wish to….”

 He is interrupted by the main committee door opening, and a young bearded man poking his head round it and then coming into the room.

 Plink: “Hallo Granddad! What’s going on here? Hallo everyone, having a meeting? I like meetings, this is great, can I join in?” 

 Plink, who is Lord Granlik’s favourite nephew comes up to the table and sits down between Human Resources and Nefflink.

 Chair: “Err, hallo young Plink, shouldn’t you be hunting with Lord Granlik this morning?”

 Plink: “Yes granddad but I got up late and he had already gone. He likes to go early. He’s hunting elephants today, he likes elephants, their great as they make a lot of noise and it’s easy to follow them once you find them”

 Army: “Hummp…”

 Chair: “Well…. I don’t think…..”

 Farmers:  (jumping in) “Chair, looking at the overall projected population growth we are confidant that we will manage to insure that supplies will continue to be available. There is however a continuing large drain due to the current Army and Diplomatic corps manpower levels. I must remind the committee that they have never really disbanded anyone from war levels even though the old  LWO – BSH war is now in the distant past. I think this committee should recommend a 30% cut at least. We don’t need thousands of …”

 Army: “WHAT?… Chair!  I must..”

 Diplomatic Corps: “ Outrageous!”

 Nefflink: “ Rubbish! Sit down! Farmers have no idea of the…”

 Chair: “Order! Order! Silence! The representative of the farmers cannot comment on matters of State! Order, Order, I will now put the question! All those in favour of the recommended barrack levels please show!”

 A forest of hands shoot up. Plink puts his hand up as well but puts it down quickly as several members glare at him. The Farmers and three others glare at everybody.

 Chair: “ Item Two carried! Thank you members. Item Three, Should the Union connect to a Trade Hub A.S.A.P?”

 Markets: “ Of course we should. Trade research is now extremely complicated and time consuming but the rewards of being able to buy the latest manufactured items cannot be ignored. We have millions in the bank not doing anything.”

 Plink: “That’s a great idea. I’d like one of those super swords that you read about in the Herald’ It would be great if I had one and as a reporter it would stop people throwing eggs at me when I’m trying to get a good story” 

 Diplomatic Corps: (he looks directly at Plink on the other side of the table) “Yes young Plink, we all worry about you! Shouldn’t you be getting along to your paper now? You don’t want to waste time here in a stuffy old meeting, do you?”

 Plink: “ No, I’m at a loose end at the moment. The editor says there isn’t much going on for me to do so I don’t need to turn up until next week”

 Chair: “Oh…”

 Nafflink: (looking directly at Plink) “How about joining a skinner party that’s leaving in the next hour to collect some Golden Monkey skins? And they’ve got a mounted escort!  Have you ever skinned a monkey?”

 Plink: “Can I really? That would be great, I could give one to my girlfriend. How do I find them before they leave?”

 Nafflink: “I’ll take you to them now. May we be excused Chair?”

 Chair: “ Of course… excused.”

 The committee watch in silence as the mayor and Plink leave the room and then they all give a sigh of relief and relax.

 Chair:  “Bolt that door please… now, where were we, ahh, item three”

 The committee continues its work. Some time later the mayor of Nefflink returns but finds the door bolted and in spite of hammering on it for several minuets it remains shut. Eventually he goes home and has a bacon sandwich.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Diva Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Oct 2012 at 17:21
My first time knowing and reading about this paper... Interesting and funny.. Carry on mighty IFT.  It can only get better!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Oct 2012 at 22:41

Published in Tor Carrock  The Illyriad Free Times.   Issue 6                                                                                                                                    Late Fall  2012.


                       An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elger


                              The War of the Alliances.

For this, our sixth issue, the Times concentrates mainly on the most serous crises of recent years. The war between the most powerful alliance in the land and the consortium of alliances that are locked in battle with it. And as individual conflicts rage throughout Elger and siege parties crisscross the land our intrepid reporters race from one location to another to bring to you the latest news.  Here are their stories.


Yalli Lightfoot, our senior reporter sends this detailed and penetrating report from Wolgast:

“I have travelled through Mella, Fremorn and Kal Tirikan and have spoken to many senior members of several H? Members. They all maintain that they stand by each other and will not flinch from doing what is right, which entails not flinching while standing by each other. However here in Wolgast I did detect some slight flinching when speaking to a minor member of one of the bigger Members. He spoke of large losses by other Members but would not be drawn in disclosing where and when. Also I understand that in the last week an H town was seiged, which has caused intense discussion between some members within a few Members and may lead to a change in present tactics. It is not only H that is feeling the pressure. I have managed to see a top-secret report circulating within the Consone alliance which reveals that the Music Student Exchange program is under review due to “external factors that may cause difficulties” It is obvious that cracks are now beginning to appear in some places but not others and it may be that something could happen quickly to change things rather then staying static as some think.”


Paynin Zeass discloses the escalating cost of everyday life due to the War:

“The effects of the war are now beginning to percolate throughout everyday life and affect the ordinary elf/dwalf/man/orc in the street. As an example the cost of a one-night stay in a first class hotel has tripled (editor please note) and messenger horses are now almost impossible to hire due to military usage. Local market prices are shooting upwards and again stocks are being diverted for armament usage. Yesterday I had to queue for an hour when I bought a new travelling bag as the shop had only one assistant; the others had joined the local militia. (Cost of bag indented to expenses) I have noted large troop movements towards Tallimar (note to editor. As I am reporting war news can I claim any additional allowances?) I have also distributed several hundred copies of edition 5 of the Times which  I were well recieved ”  


Kroc Bosha reports from Lan Larosh:

“I normally write the food column but have been sent down here in Lan Larosh to cover the war so here is my report. I saw several siege trains travelling in various directions so I joined one of them to find out the latest news. The horse captain said he was harmless, so being an orc and much bigger then he was (a dwarf) I said I was harmless too. We travelled for several days and then camped near a large city and had well-cooked supper of boiled beef and carrots, followed by several flagons of wine.

In the morning it was discovered that the city was called Zelgone and of the LWO alliance and nothing to do with the war. There was a great argument and then it was found that the column had been given the wrong map. Dinner followed (roast boar, potatoes, green beans with custard pie to finish) and the column set of again in search of the right city. I then tried to find more troops but didn’t have any luck so came back to Nafflink”


Plink Ploberman recalls:

Plink: ‘Hallo, can I get your opinion of the latest situation?’

Large Orc: ‘You want my opinion?’

Plink:. ‘Yes please’

Second Orc: ‘What does he want?’

Large Orc: ‘He wants my opinion, cheeky little bugger’.

Second Orc: ‘Opinion of what?’

Plink:  ‘The war, I want your opinions of the war please.’

Very Large Orc:  ‘What war? What are you talking about?’

Large Orc:  ‘You should be careful little man, ambushing us and talking about war’

Plink:.  ‘But its my job and I’m a reporter and you’re fighting a war’

Very Large Orc:. ‘No were not, were not fighting anybody here.’

Plink: ‘Yes you are. That’s why I’ve come here’.

Enormous Orc: ‘Come here? Where do you think you are?’

Plink: ‘I’m in Ragalion and I’m asking you about the war your fighting in’.

Enormous Orc:. ‘No your not, your in Mal Mosha and your possibly in deep sh-t’.

Little Orc:  ‘Can I hit him dad?’

Plink:  ‘Oh…’

Second Orc: ‘There’s no war here sonny, on your way, NOW!’

Large Orc:  ‘SHOO…’

Enormous Orc: ‘He can certainly move when he wants to, can’t he!’

Little Orc:  ‘If he comes back again can I hit him then dad?’


Ardvik Grunderfutt reports:

“Well this is charming! Here I am surrounded by hardened warriors all full of testeron ready to give their all and me in just my jimjams after getting an urgent command from the editor to show myself at once outside the nearest besieged town. The town is in the middle of Arran and it is getting a right battering from the Harmless alliance.

Now I’m not with besieging army but with another lot who have come to help the town and are shooting arrows at the ones besieging it. They are also digging a trench to stop a large brigade of Calvary who have just arrived to help the first group and are expected to charge us sometime. From the hill we are on I can see the defenders on the walls who are singing to the besieging H forces a well know military ditty.”


                            I met your mum last night and took her for a walk”

                            I showed her my


(Editor: Holy Cow, scrub this and I want to see Ardvik when he gets back. He should know better then to try and get this printed)

“It is all a bit confusing and the large lad who has been assigned to guard me is now very excited and sweating and has just said “I think were in for a bit of a tussle” For some reason this has got me all excited as well and its very difficult writing so I’ll have to stop this report for the moment”.


Diky Holmsman-Hughes: 

Diky was our latest recruit and the paper had high hopes for him. Unfortunately his previous employment (The Domestic Family Advisory Service) got the better of him and he attempted to calm the situation down just before a major H?  - Consone Alliance battle. He died instantly.


 Star letter to the Editor

 Dear Sir,

When is something going to be done about the menace that stalks our streets? It seems an honest citizen cannot walk anywhere without being accosted at every corner. I refer of course to charity sellers, only the other day my lady wife and I were returning from the shops when this large young man appeared from out of the blue and stuck a pin in my chest. The pin had a yellow flag attached to it with the words “Help the Unfortunate Outcasts from a Materialist Society who do not have the wherewithal to conduct their affairs in an orderly manner”

I was angry but my wife took pity on his begradled appearance. Soon she had purchased seven flags and the young man had some difficulty in sticking them all on her chest, it taking several minuets for the last two. He then announced that she had won a prize for the best contributor for the week and would have to accompany him to collect it. My wife urged me to continue homeward to feed the cat while they went to the office.

When she arrived home later that evening I enquired what she had won. She appeared flustered but after gentle questioning she disclosed what had happened. When they arrived at his office he could not find the prize so she had offered to help him find it. After several hours they were, she told me, both exhausted and had to rest. Then, can you believe it – another seller arrived to inform then that the prize had already been won earlier that morning.

Now my wife may have been fooled but not me! It is obvious that the sellers are in cahoots with each other and the weekly prize is still there but safely hidden!

So I call on the Authorities to act at once and protect the gullible from such practises in our fair city.

Yours Truly,

Ivaa Problem, Tunbridge Wells, 


Other News:

Another Pet Missing:        Elephant lost in back garden.

Super Cotter Soon:            Cotter I.Q increased to 50? 

Heart of Corruption:          Gets tentacles wet.

Dwarven Mining Disaster: Lunch lost in cave in


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