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The Illyarid Free Times.

Printed From: Illyriad
Category: Miscellaneous
Forum Name: Fiction
Forum Description: Epics, Sagas, Unlikely Tales of Daring and Rip-roaring stories
URL: http://forum.illyriad.co.uk/forum_posts.asp?TID=3458
Printed Date: 28 Nov 2021 at 22:02
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Topic: The Illyarid Free Times.
Posted By: Granlik
Subject: The Illyarid Free Times.
Date Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 15:13

                             The Illyriad Free Times 

   An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 

The Free Times began as a small publication to bring news to the cities of the LWO alliance during the war with BSH.  However copies soon began to circulate far more widely and the editor began to plan a larger print for the second edition.

Then he was expelled from the LWO along with the majority of members. He appealed against this and was re-admitted. The LWO had shrunk to a membership of four by then and the small group of towns in which he lived became the target for a sustained diplomatic attack by BSH and soon began to run out of resources.

A decision had to be made and thus the editor left the LWO and became a free agent once more.

Unfortunately BSH diplomatic plundering attacks continued and the resources to enable the paper to be published became at risk from the large numbers of orc thieves as they easily overcame the tiny rune defences.

The only option was to move the press from the Consulate into the Cowshed, which as most Elgea citizens know is safe from roving burglars, as livestock cannot be carried away.

And so the Free Times has survived in the Nefflik Cowshed and is now ready to continue providing fresh and informative news from time to time.

It is hoped that the punitive actions by BSH will soon cease as they realise that Nefflik and its two smaller companions are no threat whatsoever.

 

                                 -----------------------------------------------

 

In case you, the reade, have not yet had a chance to see the first two editions of the  lyriad Free Times, they are reproduced below.

Edition No. 3 is now being planned and we are pleased to announce that several new features will be included.





Replies:
Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 15:15

The Illyriad Free Times.

 

From our War correspondent.

 

News just in from Tor Carrock is that the siege of Might de Ville is coming to an end. Orc forces are in the process of withdrawing from the city and the many supporting armies sent by the LWO are beginning to leave. However it is reported that at least one of them is unhappy with their recall orders.

 

The Army of the Dog it appears wants to stay put. The men of Nafflik, it seems, like their current surroundings and don’t want to go home to the forested heartland of Tor. Nicknamed “the Waggers” they like the cool fresh air of the mountain city and its comforts.

 

“It’s really nice here,” said senior swordsman Halk Dofflemik, “the food is great, we were really welcomed and made to feel at home and as for the views the only word is magnificent!”

 

Asvon Folkig, who is a Longbowman, agreed, “ The whole place makes you realise what you are missing in a small town, I hope this war carries on and we can see more of the world. When you see what other troops are equipped with it makes you weep. And as for the uniforms other armies are issued with. Yesterday we saw columns of Elves from the south arriving and every one of them looked like a General, all I have is a brown sackcloth robe,”

 

The small army is camped in one of the many public parks that the city boasts of and is also near the Senior Girls campus, which is causing some local problems. The Waggers however do not see this as a problem. “The girls are very friendly and wave to us, very nice, yup, very very nice” said a Pikeman who didn’t want to be named.

 

The local dwarf residents are not all that pleased with their allies either “Scruffy buggers they are” said a housewife. “They are always drunk, have turned that nice park into a tip and as for the smell!  I hope they will be gone soon.”

 

So it seems the town of Nafflik may have to wait a while for its faraway heroes to return and the rats will have its large leaky wooden Barracks all to themselves.

 

 

 Published in Tor Carrock            The Illyriad Free Times.                      Issue No. 2

 

   An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 

 

As we go to press it is believed that the war between LWO (reduced) and BSH continues. Details are somewhat obscure but this paper has been reliably informed that LWO (reduced) do not wish for BSH to continue to trudge all across Elgea to get them and BSH do not wish to continue to trudge all across Elgea to get LWO.

Diplomatic sources also suggest that CoK wish to be paid something by someone for the inconvenience of joining in.

 

Our War correspondent has doubled his efforts to bring you the most interesting and informative insights of this conflict.

 

Down in Lan Larosh he managed to put some questions to the commanders of two opposing infantry units that had been in conflict with each other for several days.

They were Commander Isski Faren-Holtograllshi of the Elvish Seventh Golden Feathered Forest Regiment and Chief Headbasher Grok of the DeathHead Wargroup.

 

Our Correspondent: ” Gentlemen, bearing in mind that you both have now faced each other in conflict and have both seen the dedication and bravery of your opponents, both far from the lands of your births, do you not feel a common bond and respect towards worthy opponents?”

Commander Isski Faren-Holtograllshi: “Soldiers throughout time have pondered on the discomfits of battle and the consequences of their actions”

Chief Headbasher Grok : “Nah”

 

Our Correspondent: “Thank you. Following that can you comment on a war that, although involving many nations, factions and races. In essence has brought inconvenience and disruption to a far greater number of non combatants then those involved due to the long range nature of the conflict and that has also amplified the logistical side of military planning then that is normally required?”

Chief Headbasher Grok: “Wot?”

Commander Isski Faren-Holtograllshi : “An interesting question. The physical nature of different conflicts depends to large degree on the underlying politico-diplomatic stresses, rather then the overall military position. Therefore, regardless of the specific or quantitive requirements nesser…”

Our Correspondent: “Err, I’m afraid we have run out of time. Thank you both and I hope both of you have a good day.”

 

In the Vale of Lycerna our man was lucky to find an Orc column as it jogged homeward after a long and successful siege.

Our Correspondent: “Are you pleased to be going home?”

1st Orc  “Who’s going home?”

2nd Orc “ What did he say?”

1st Orc  “Going home”

2nd Orc  “You’re going home?”

3rd Orc  “Me? I’m going to war”

1st Orc  “ I think I am”

3rd Orc  “What you thinking?”

4th Orc  “ I don’t think”

2nd Orc  “ You don’t think your going home?”

4th Orc   “ No. I think I’m following you”

1st Orc   “Don’t interrupt me mate….”

3rd Orc   “You talking to me?”

5th Orc   “ Oi, mind where your putting that spear!”

At this point our correspondent couldn’t keep up with them and the column gradually disappeared into the distance throwing up a large cloud of dust.

 

About our War Correspondent.

Yalli Ars-Lightfoot is a High Elf who spent many years as a Kings Messenger and thus has a detailed knowledge of the lands of Elgea. He also has that open, friendly, good natured, tactful, understanding yet nosey and inquisitive manner so important for someone who seeks the real story behind the headlines. We are pleased to have him on our staff.  In further issues we will introduce more of our specialist correspondents to you.

 

Update:  In our last edition we reported the comments of a Pikeman from the town of Nafflik while he was on campaign regarding a nearby dwarven High school for girls. He refused to give his name to Yalli on that occasion.

Unfortunately by the time he got back home he had been identified and was met by his wife, her three brothers and his mother-in law. Pikeman Johhn in now recovering in the Nafflik Military Hospital for Serious Wounds.

 

Other News.

Heart of Corruption:  Getting bigger.

Anniversary Tournament:  Now ended.

Trogg trouble again?:  Rumours spread in northern Elgea.

Lost cat found:  Tibbles found on neighbours roof.




Posted By: Mafro
Date Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 20:33
LOL

+1 Granlik


Posted By: John Marston
Date Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 22:09
Well done to everyone involved!Clap 

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Veni, vidi, vici


Posted By: Prometheuz
Date Posted: 21 Apr 2012 at 10:37
I laughed 'til I cried  Thumbs Up


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 24 Apr 2012 at 15:01
How do I get a subscription? Brill!


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 24 Apr 2012 at 15:06
Sorry about the last post but my son thinks he's a humourist..............
The real Granlik.


Posted By: Silent/Steadfast
Date Posted: 25 Apr 2012 at 00:23
I question the reliability of a newspaper filed under the "fiction" section....  

Still, LMAO! LOL


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"Semantics are no protection from a 50 Megaton Thermonuclear Stormcrow."-Yggdrassil (June 21, 2011 6:48 PM)
"SCROLL ya donut!" Urgorr The Old (September 1, 2011 4:08 PM)


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 11 Jun 2012 at 22:44

Published in Tor Carrock      The Illyriad Free Times.          Issue 3  June

 

                 An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 

Welcome to issue No.3.  Since issue No.2 back in April we have appointed several new members of staff, which has enabled us to add a number of new sections to the paper. Our news coverage of events in Elgea has been greatly improved due to the fact that we now have two roving reporters. 

 

News from the Fronts. 

There have been no major wars or conflicts since our last edition although the H? and Valar dispute had half the continent on the edge of their seats. Our chief reporter did however visit the location of the dispute and found a thriving trade in half bricks as souvenirs of the demolished city Sewer003. He was surprised at the number of people queuing to purchase the bricks and on being questioned the distance many had travelled to obtain them, The owners of the stalls however became annoyed by his presence and began lobbing rubble at him and suggested that he bugger off, which he did.

 

Pirate Coast Sensation

As reported earlier in another forum our new cub reporter was dispatched to the southern coast to find the leader of the now defunct alliance South Sea Pirates. Below is his exclusive and startling news

 

This is Paynin ZeArs reporting from the south coast!  It has taken me several weeks to travel all the way down to this lovely coastline here only to find that the SSP has disbanded and its founder somewhere else.

 

I booked in to a likely looking Tavern by the waterfront and entered the bar, which was crowded with seadogs and announced myself in a loud voice and asked if anyone knew where PirateKing was.

 

At once several voices said “Arrr, I’m the PirateKing, over here laddo!” and I was surrounded by men with one leg, patches over either the left or right eyes (one even had patches over both) and many with parrots on their shoulders.

“So you be wanting my story, arrrh” said a large red headed man who was instantly pushed away by a small fat black bearded individual who claimed he was indeed PirateKing and had the scars to prove it.

 

Before I could open my mouth I was pulled backwards by someone with a hook in place of his right hand and who whispered in my ear “Arrrrrrrrrr me hearty, take no notice of these confounders, I’m the real PirateKing come with me”

 

It was a nightmare and I was saved only by the landlord wading into the rabble and getting me out of the room and into the safety of his parlour. Later, only after the last drunk was thrown out in the early hours did I learn the truth. PirateKing is so popular down here that the authorities, fearing he will reform the SSC again are constantly seeking his whereabouts, so every self-respecting pirate now claims he is PirateKing to protect his identity. I fear my task here will be long and costly so please send further remittance.

 

 

Cookery Corner.

A recent survey of our readers covering all the varied races throughout Elgea revealed that the large majority were young single males living a rushed, hectic lifestyle and all having a very rudimentary knowledge of basic cookery skills. So we are pleased to introduce Kroc Bosha, who was the head chef of the recently destroyed Grand Hotel, Volcano Slopes, in Kerela.  Over now to Kroc.

 

Hallo my friends!

We do lead such frenzied lives here in Elgea don’t we, so I think I should start with a simple dish for those in a hurry. Its from my homeland in Mal  Mosha and as a young orc just starting out as junior slop hand in the barrack kitchen it served me well then and many a time it allowed me to last out the day slopping slops to the warriors.

 

Rushed Rabbit.

  1. Chase rabbit
  2. Catch rabbit
  3. Chop rabbit into bits
  4. Eat rabbit.

 If you wish you can dip the bits into a sauce before eating. I prefer curry sauce myself but tomato is more popular particularly in the northern highlands.

 

Now here a favourite from the miners of Moria You will need a large shovel.

 

Midday Pasty.

  1. Take some beef, pork, lamb and minced goat and sprinkle with as many herbs and vegetables you can find and put in a pot
  2. Add some beer and boil for some time.
  3. Get mum, daughter or girlfriend to make some pastry.
  4. Plop contents of pot on to the pastry and roll it up. Shove it into oven till cooked.
  5. Take to work and use shovel as a plate.

 

Well I do hope either of the above is useful to you and I will be back next issue with some more tasty treats.  Kroc.

 

 

Other News:

Heart of Corruption:  Still getting bigger

New Alliance:  New Alliance formed.

Lost Dog:  Spot spotted several times.

Troggs:  Invasion planned again.



Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 11 Jun 2012 at 23:42
love ya Gran


Posted By: Hora
Date Posted: 12 Jun 2012 at 00:12
/me tries to hide his half brick behind his back... Confused

Really great metaphor, Granlik, and fun to read, too Clap

But now I'll have to stop, as that meat stuff for dwarfs is boiling over (again...) Tongue


Posted By: Diomedes
Date Posted: 12 Jun 2012 at 07:05
Keep up the good work, Granlik - I can't wait for the next edition..... it's such a good read Clap

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"Walk in the way of the good, for the righteous will dwell in the land"


Posted By: The Alchemist
Date Posted: 17 Jun 2012 at 11:06
Woot!
Great read! Would be even better if it had a sports section...Tongue


Posted By: Drydenn
Date Posted: 17 Jun 2012 at 17:04
Just want to throw my 2 pennies into the fountain here, this is awesome, keep up the good work, it is much appreciated!! Thumbs Up

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- Drydenn, Diplomat for the Free Trade Guild & Trade Assembly member of the Illyriad Trade Union


Posted By: DeMeisz
Date Posted: 27 Jun 2012 at 16:39
Great work!! I hope there will be lots of future issues =)

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http://elgea.illyriad.co.uk/a/p/138073" rel="nofollow">


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 30 Jun 2012 at 22:37

In the Cowshed.

 

It is late afternoon and a Pageboy hurries towards the side door of the Cowshed in the town of Nafflink. Above door hangs a sign, The Illyriad Free Times. The Page enters and finds the Editor reading some letters

 Page:  “Sir, I’ve just come from Nafflink, Lord Granlik wants to know what you are doing about the war?”

 Editor: “War? What war? Lord Granlik? What? Where? Who told him?”

 Page:  “It was in the latest Herald update sheet. It came yesterday and he wants to know what you are doing about it.”

 Editor: “Yesterday? sh*t, where’s our copy? “ (Mumbles to himself, Murdoch had it and should have told me.) “  Murdoch! Where’s Murdoch?”

 (Voice from the back office) “ He’s gone to Nofflink for some red ink sir”

 Editor:  “Heaven help me, where is it, where’s he put it?”

 Page:  “Lord Granlik sent his copy for you sir, here it is.”

 Editor: “Hah! Now let me see… Pah, typical Herald, no details just the bare facts.  TLR and TRO, who are they? Jeeze, this is a declared War notification and all they do is print it, they call themselves a newspaper? Rubbish! Their readers deserve more then this, they should put….”

 Page: “Err, what do I tell Lord Granlik, sir?”

 Editor: “Granlik? Ahhh, tell him were on it! Reporter on his way already! Murdoch! Get in here Murdoch”

 (Voice from the back office) “ He’s gone to Nofflink for some red ink sir”

 Editor: “Holy mush, Cheddar! Get in here Cheddar,  Cheddar, right there you are, now I want the alliance lists, the large map, the new town lists, clear this table, where is Yalli, the senior reporter? I want a Messenger standing by to ride to Yalli wherever he is so that he can switch and cover this war once we know where it is. I want…”

(Voice from the back office) “Yalli is in Perrigor looking for female assassins, sir”

 Page: “Sir, Lord Granlik is worried about the number of Messengers you have used recently. He mentioned the cost”

 Editor: “Cost? Can you price news? Think of the service we do! We are a newspaper and need to respond to events. Lord Granlik is aware of …”

 Page: “He told me to specifically mention the cost of Messengers, sir. He is also worried about running out of horses.”

 Editor: “Pah, Ok, I’ll talk to him about it. Cheddar! Send for Murdoch, I want him back here, ink or no ink and while I’ve got you here how is the layout of the next edition coming on?”

 Cheddar: “Print date is fixed for August, the food section is ready and the new letter column is just waiting for you to pick the star letter. Payzin is still down on the coast; he says he has a whopper of a story on the go. He has sent in more expenses. Lord Granlik is said to be worried about the increased cost of the last edition.”

 Page: “Ahh, I knew he told me to mention something else”

 Editor: “I think its about time you got back to him, Tell him everything is under control and we are so grateful for his patronage and interest in the Times, Now get out!”

 Cheddar: “Sir, I’ve just had a quick look at the map. It seems TLR is mainly based up north in Urdor and Wolgast while TRO is down south in Lan Larosh. I think we may need two reporters if we are going to cover this war properly. Perhaps we can try out young Plink on a big story?”

 Editor: “Plink? That boy is an idiot; he’s got no sense of direction. He was in Nufflink last month and had to go to Nefflink to check on a shop fire but ended up in Nifflink, where is he now?”

 Cheddar: “Nofflink, I think”

 Editor: “No, we can’t risk it. I don’t trust the lad which is why I keep him where I can see him”

 Cheddar: “Lord Granlik did ask after him when he was last here and wanted to know how he was getting on. You do remember Plink is his nephew? You do remember you agreed to hire him and said you thought he was ideal for the job and would go far?”

 Page: “Ahh, I remember now, Lord Granlik said he hoped his nephew was gaining experience and was proving invaluable to your organization? He wants an update”

 Editor:” Bloody goats brains! Haven’t you gone yet? Yes, all right, send Plink to one of them but tell him just to take notes and always ask for detailed directions. You! Get out of this office now and back to Granlik. Right, let me see the map……. Wow, how on earth did they find each other to get into an argument? They are at different ends of the earth. What are the numbers? Whoo, this could be a big one…. Crap and biscuits, they could even tramp through here on the way to each other. Granlik must be told, Pageboy! Where’s that boy? Dam, he’s gone now.”

 Cheddar: “I’ll get on to everything at once sir. I’ll get Plink back here ASAP so that you can tell him of his assignment. There are some more letters from readers for you to read, I’ll leave them on the desk. Also someone wants to put an advert in the paper and wants to know how much it will cost, I’ll leave that as well for you to look at. Do you want me to do anything else sir?

 Editor: “No, now please get out, I’ve got to look at the Messenger bills, Granlik mustn’t find out why they’re so large”




Posted By: gangas
Date Posted: 01 Jul 2012 at 00:51
wonderful work 


Posted By: Avion
Date Posted: 02 Jul 2012 at 00:28
Very fun to read.  I hope your reporters give can give us updates on this war.  Maybe an editorial also (tempest in a teapot or the real deal???). Clap

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Suppose they gave a war and nobody came?


Posted By: Diomedes
Date Posted: 02 Jul 2012 at 06:14
Absolutely delightful, Granlik.... and so much more interesting than those tabloid and broadsheet papers that are available in that other realm so often referred to as RL. Thumbs Up

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"Walk in the way of the good, for the righteous will dwell in the land"


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 18 Jul 2012 at 14:19

                            The Illyriad Free Times.                        Issue 4

 Published in Tor Carrock                                                                                           Summer 2012                                                                                                                       

               An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 Welcome again dear readers!  We here in the Nafflink Cowshed have been gratified by the many kind letters and posts from so many of you. It seems the Times with its unbiased approach and fearless disclosure of events not covered by other publications has struck a chord with the ordinary citizen Once more we have expanded our coverage and also bring another new section.

 

Southern Sea Shoreline Sovereignty Scandal.

Once more the Free Times is first to bring to your attention the latest example of how those in power use it to just benefit themselves! Paynin Zeass our southern reporter discloses how the new law is changing our seashore forever.

This is Paynin reporting from the beautiful south. Down here the coastline is being destroyed in a mad, crazy and disorganised race to develop and alter it for purely commercial and military uses.

 Since the passing of the Shoreline Sovereignty Act almost all major cities, towns and alliances that are within reach of the southern coastline have begun to claim legal sovereignty rights and have embarked on a massive building program of fisheries.

Whole sections of the coastline from Kumala to Larn are now off limits to ordinary citizens who just wish to take their families out for a day to the seaside. I spoke to a party of day-trippers from a well-known tavern that recently travelled to the coast. Their organizer, Jaska Snipko explained what happened.

“There we were, just sitting on the beach in the sun having some light refreshments when this column of infantry came splashing along the beach. The officer in charge began to shout Off! Off! Clear this area! No unofficial persons allowed within three miles of the sea, Off! Off! And we all had to move away. They also confiscated the light refreshments, it’s a bloody disgrace and someone should do something about it”

 But it is not only the limited legal constructions being built, Oh no! Attempts are being made by some unscrupulous town owners to attempt to build storehouses, taverns, barracks and even mage towers behind hastily constructed barriers and fishing net lines. I have also heard that some rash attempts at mining have even been tried. In my travels 1 have seen scores of covered vans heading towards the sea but whenever I try to ask questions I have been rudely turned away. However I shall endeavour to find the truth. My expenses are mounting rapidly. Please send more remuneration.

 

                       Insult War Rumbles On.

The long-range conflict between The Long Road (Ursor and Wolgast) and The Red Order (Lan Laroth) continues while the diplomatic correspondence between the two alliances blows hot and cold.

 Seasoned diplomats are confused at the reasons for it ever starting and military experts are at a loss to explain how lasting damage could be done to either side considering the distance between them. The Leaders of both combatants are held in the highest esteem throughout the whole of the continent, which in fact means that neither can expect any assistance from anyone else.  It could end today, tomorrow or continue till next year, who knows?

 The Times, at great expense, has sent key reporters to both areas of conflict.

From the North Yalli reports several TRO towns have been sieged and a few even destroyed although innocent civilians were allowed to exit before Long Road troops began to level the walls.

 Down south our newest reporter Plink Ploberman unfortunately got lost several times but reports that large concentrations of Red Order forces seem to be everywhere and the general population there are fully behind their Leaders. As there are no towns affiliated to the Long Road in Lan Laroth he has not seen any damage anywhere but he lives in hope and continues to search.

 

Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha here again with something for the ladies! This will get your man running your way and there will be no stopping him when he wants to thank you for a full stomach.

 Mushroom and Hairy Pongo Horn soup.

Take 6 large purple spotted mushrooms and one Viagra Hen egg and mash them together, add a cup of strong ale and whisk. Put to one side.

Obtain 10 oz of crushed Hairy Pong Horn (you may have some difficulty in getting this as it is banned in most regions – don’t ask why)

Mix the crushed horn with 6 oz of sugar and then heat the mash till it is nice and warm. Add the mix, season to taste and serve at once.

 Commence small talk until the soup takes effect (this varies with age and target type. unfortunately men and elves sometimes just fall over)

I’ll be back soon with more mouth watering recipes from around the continent.

 

The Free Times is proud to once again provide a first in Elgea publications for you, our loyal readers. .  We have the greatest pleasure in presenting to you Ardvik Grunderfutt whose latest book won the Golden Luvvy Cup. Here he is.

 Songs Of Elgea

Hallo my darlings! The many diverse races of Elgea between them span a vast range of customs, lifestyles and physical appearances. To a visitor from another world it would seem that there could be nothing that binds this multitude together.

But wait. Some things are universal. A common theme that binds them all. What, I hear you say, what is this all-embracing mystery?  And I answer SONG!  Yes, song is the answer, the common denominator of a continent.

Here is a War-chant from the southern Kumarla forest. The forest is particularly thick in this region and individuals, let along large formations have great difficulty in maintaining contact and any form of order, so that the chant, apart from raising morale also has a more practical side to it.

 

                                   “Allo?    Allo?    Allo-Allo-Allo?”

                           “I’mere!   I’mere!  I’mere-I’mere-I’mere!”

                                   “Allo?    Allo?    Allo-Allo-Allo?”

                                “I’mere!   I’mere!  I’mover-over-ere!”

 

                                   “Allo!    Allo!    Allo-Allo-Allo!”

                        “Yournear! Yournear! Your-really-really-near!”

                                   “Allo!    Allo!    Allo-Allo-Allo!”

                        “Yournear! Yournear! I think your almost here!”

Well that is all I’m able to bring you for my first column but I shall return next time with some more songs from all over our fair land.      Ardvik.

 

Other News:

Heart of Corruption:  Much bigger then last time.

Flying Round Things: More sightings in Norweld.

Escaped Tiger:  Be very careful.

Troggs; Movement on borders.

 



Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 18 Jul 2012 at 14:29
Gran, you are my hero.


Posted By: Gilthoniel
Date Posted: 18 Jul 2012 at 14:38
Originally posted by Granlik Granlik wrote:

                            The Illyriad Free Times.                        Issue 4

 Published in Tor Carrock                                                                                           Summer 2012                                                                                                                       

 

Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha here again with something for the ladies! This will get your man running your way and there will be no stopping him when he wants to thank you for a full stomach.

 Mushroom and Hairy Pongo Horn soup.

Take 6 large purple spotted mushrooms and one Viagra Hen egg and mash them together, add a cup of strong ale and whisk. Put to one side.

Obtain 10 oz of crushed Hairy Pong Horn (you may have some difficulty in getting this as it is banned in most regions – don’t ask why)

Mix the crushed horn with 6 oz of sugar and then heat the mash till it is nice and warm. Add the mix, season to taste and serve at once.

 Commence small talk until the soup takes effect (this varies with age and target type. unfortunately men and elves sometimes just fall over)

I’ll be back soon with more mouth watering recipes from around the continent.

 

 


LOL


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 30 Aug 2012 at 22:29

In the Cowshed. (August)


The midday sun shines down on the side door of the Nafflink Cowshed above which hangs the sign The Illyriad Free Times.  A Coach draws up and disgorges a passenger who gives his arms a quick stretch, picks up a large bag and strides towards the door.

 

Inside the main office of the Times the assistant editor, Murdoch, is sitting in the Editors chair with his feet on the editors desk. He is counting the flies on the ceiling while the Chief of Staff, Chedder, is dozing on a small bunk near the door to the pressroom,

There is another door to the back office which is slightly ajar and from where can be heard the clink of bottles and the murmur of quite conversation

In the middle of the room is a long work desk with several chairs around it. The desk itself is covered with piles of letters, newspapers, sheets, maps and other assorted material. A young man with a beard is standing at it and studying one of the maps.

 The door suddenly flees open and the Editor strides in.

 Editor: “Right! I’m back!”

Murdoch jerks upright and looks with horror at the Editor, Chedder wakes up and tries to sit up but loses his balance and falls on the floor. The young man throws out his arms and gives a large smile.

 Plink:  “Welcome back sir!”

Murdoch:  “Sir!”

 Plink:  “Your back early sir!”

Murdoch:  "Your back early sir, Is everything alright?”

 Chedder:  (now standing up) "Sir!"

 Voice in the back office: “Oh my Great Aunt! He’s come back early!"

 Editor:  "I’m fine!  Five weeks is enough to be away from here so I’ve come back a week early. Can’t wait to get stuck in again! I feel fresh as a daisy and have some brilliant ideas for the paper!  How’s everything going? The next edition should be well on its way by now eh? Has Paynin sent in his copy about the Troggs yet? Have we heard from that chap who left the Herald under a cloud? He would be very useful to us if we could get him on board…. Can I sit in my chair Murdoch or is your bum stuck in it, come on – move!  Thank you, now where are we?”

 Murdoch:  "Welcome back sir, err, Paynin has sent a brief column from Troggland but said he was running out of cash so I sent him some more. The Herald chap has disappeared. Yalli has gone to look for him, he heard he was somewhere in Middle Kingdom. Most of the next edition is in place but as I said we’re waiting for Paynin's main bit. Lord Granlik wants to see you as soon as you are back. Err; there are several more letters for you to read. How was Perrigor?”

 Editor: “Perrigor was fine; the food was out of this world. What does Granlik want to see me for? I though I satisfied him on everything just before I left for Perrigor”

 Chedder:  "He wants to talk to you about our reporters using messenger horses to get around." He knew that they send in their reports by messenger but thought they all used their own horses to travel around.”

 Editor:  "Damn, how did he find that out?”

 Plink:  "That was me sir." Uncle Granlik asked me how I liked going to Lan Larosh to cover the war there and I told him it was great and how it was great to ride a fast messenger horse and how I kept getting lost and how it was great to just order another messenger horse to get to the right place by saying the Times would pay for it and how great I felt being a top reporter covering a great story. Uncle Granlik said I did a great job but said why didn’t I use Primrose, my own horse to go there so I told him that Times reporters always use messenger horses and they are great to ride. Uncle Granlik went very red in the face when I told him that and said he would have a word with you sir.”

 Editor: “What? You’re young Plink?  Granlik's nephew?  How long have you had a beard?  You didn’t have one when I left. I thought you were one of the print men! Thieve all got beards.”

 Plink:  "I grew it to look older and look like a tough reporter, I think it looks great, Uncle Granlik thinks it looks great." My girlfriend thinks it looks great.”

 Cheddar:  "It does suit him…."

 Murdoch: “The print guild insists on their members having beards.”

 Editor: "Enough! I should never have left this place! I need a drink.”

 Voice from the back office:  "On it’s way sir! Glad your back sir!”

 Editor:  "Now, while I was away I heard about all these new methods about using herbs and skins and things that are just lying around but can now be used to make things that do things to things. The Herald has been doing stuff about it and we will have to put something in the next edition about it. Ideas please….”

 Murdoch:  "Err"

 Chedder:  "Err"

 Plink:  "Uncle Granlik said he was going to ask you about that.”

 Editor: “Oh my God………”

 Murdoch: "Ahh….." No”.

 Plink:  "I have an idea sir!"

 Editor:  "Yes?"

 Plink: “Ask some one who knows about it!”

 Editor: “Oh my God………”

 Chedder:  "Nufflink!"

 Editor:  "What?"

 Chedder:  "The new mayor of Nufflink!  Granlik has just appointed him. We were at collage together and he was one of those weirdoes who believed in something called science, which could someday be better then magic. He used to collect herbs, rocks, and frog legs and do funny things to them.”

 Editor:  "Sounds a bit of a nutcase to me. Anyway, that’s it! Chedder, get of to Nufflick ASAP and ask him about it. Murdoch! Get Yalli back here ASAP and also send to Paynin that we want his final copy now. Plink! I have job for you and you are NOT to go anywhere near your uncle until I say so. Office!"

 Voice from the back office:  "Sir?"

 Editor:  "Check the print works and make sure the print men are on standby. Check the cows are fit to turn the wheels. Check the ink barrels are full and paper stocks are here. Lets get issue five up and running!”  

 



Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 11 Sep 2012 at 21:34

Published in Tor Carrock      The Illyriad Free Times.         Issue 5

                                                                                                                                    Summer  2012.

 

                       An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 

                                   A FREE TIMES EXCLUSIVE.

          Trogg Origin Finally Found Outside Frontier!

From our Reporter Paynin Zeeass camped somewhere in the Eastern Extremities.

 

Readers of the Free Times! You won’t find my location on any official map of Elgea, in fact its very existence will be denied by anyone in authority in all regions and central government. And yet from where I report a small, slow but steady stream of people are setting out on a difficult journey to begin a new life in a place near you!

 The four main races of Dwarf, Elves, Man and Orc are evenly distributed throughout Elgea and also, living amongst us are many minor ones as well. These tend to be settled in specific areas and do not normally move outside them. They are collectively known as factions and contact with them is difficult as they shun outsiders. However there is one race that is well known for its willingness to constantly move around from place to place, in small groups numbering just a few score. Of course you all know whom I am referring to, I am talking about the Troggs!

 We all know the Troggs, very large and slow moving, twice as strong as a horse, always with a large smile and offering to hold a roof up, chop down a tree or smash down that wall for you. But then they get bored and move on in their caravans to the next town leaving an acre of rubbish to be cleared! Everyone is pleased to see them go!

But where have they all come from you ask? And now I can tell you. After overcoming a difficult, dangerous and costly (editor please note) journey I discovered one of a small number of hidden pathways through the long eastern mountain barrier to the vast lands beyond! I found myself in the Eastern Extremities, the homeland of the Troggs. Here in this rocky, desolate, unforgiving, and sparse landscape the Troggs scratch out a pitiful existence.

 Moving amongst them (as a smallish dwarf I was constantly in danger of being trodden on) I have found that almost the whole population harbours a dream to eventually move to “the land of plenty” beyond the mountains. A few Troggs have returned home with untold treasures, blankets, socks, boiled eggs and even sometimes a cuddly toy for a younger sibling. Every day more set out towards the passes, which thankfully only allow one Trogg at a time to squeeze through.

 But their numbers in Elgea grow hour by hour and thousands of Troggs are massed near my small, cheap tent waiting their turn. In fact I shall now attempt to return home and claim my expenses. Wish me luck! 

 

                     Bumping Mania Sweeps Elgea.

Since the recent discovery of exotic resources such as herbs and minerals the number of bumping incidents has grown tenfold as almost all towns now struggle to gather these important items.

 Whereas just a few months ago harvesting was seen as a staid occupation and a bump was normally accepted with a “Sorry old chap” or “Oh, I didn’t see you there” now a particular type of bump is treated as almost a declaration of War.

 Many newly formed settlements now believe that “Aggro bumps” are the norm and established towns now expect problems. It is the harvesting of rare minerals, salts and animal skins that cause a rise in the temperature and towns are increasingly squatting troops on mineral loads. Even amongst alliances tempers are getting frayed.

 The All41,14All Alliance, based mainly in Kal Tirikan is a prime example. Out of the 37 members no less then 28 decided to concentrate on mining black Salt and as there are only 4 such mines in the region this has caused trouble. A total of 387 bumps in three weeks has resulted in 31 sieges, 67 diplo attacks and the largest town had all of its caravan wheels stolen overnight. The Alliance is now in danger of total collapse.

A calming approach is urgently needed but unfortunately the Authorities, and their mouthpiece, the Herald are silent on this danger to civilised behaviour.

 

                           Sixth Town for Federal Union!

Plink Ploberman reporting:

At a formal ceremony held in the central square of Nyfflick Lord Granlik Ploberman planted a chestnut tree to symbolise the growing Federal Union which has now passed the 20,000 population marker. He also appointed Tricnib Scuttlepox as the first Mayor of Nyfflick and said he intended to keep a close eye on the new town.

 Also present were the mayors of Nafflink, Nefflink, Nifflink, Nofflink and Nufflink as were delegates from their respective Mage Towers and Town Armies.

The new town is expected to concentrate mainly on the new technology of Gathering once the reason for gathering has been established. A number of the new buildings are planned although which type of buildings is still being discussed by the New Building Committee. A Building Placement Committee is to be formed to decide where in the town they will go, once the type has been decided.

The Times has opened a local distribution office (LDC) in the Cowshed as usual.

 
 

Cookery Corner.

Unfortunately Kroc is unable to present his normal column due to being admitted to Nefflink General Hospital last week suffering from extreme gastronomic malfunction, internal contortions and toxic poisoning.

However he is an Orc so we expect him back on duty shortly.


 Songs of Elgea

By Ardvick Grunderfutt.

Howdy Dudes!  Here I am once more with more songs for your enjoyment.

Love they say makes the world go round and some songs have the ability to transcend language and to impart that depth of feeling even when sung in the original tongue. From here in Tor Carrock comes this eternal human love song in which a boy pleads with a girl.

                       “Ricky dicky piddly poo,   Ricky dicky Iluvu”

                     “Wassa matta silly moo,     Ricky dicky Iluvu”

 

                 “Ricky dicky piddly pon,    Ricky dicky We’re all allon”

                      “Wassa matta silly moo,     Ricky dicky Iluvu”

 

                    “Ricky dicky piddly pay,    Ricky dicky Its ok”

                      “Wassa matta silly moo,   Ricky dicky Iluvu”

 

                                   “Ricky! Dicky! Piddly! Woo!!”

                                   “Ricky dicky wasit goodfor you?”

 

                                       “Wassa matta silly cow?”

                                  “Cya some time, gotta gownow”.

 

Next is a Ballard from the RockTroggs who live in the Eastern Extremities. This is a heart-rending story of a young Trogg who yearns to become a Cowpat Gatherer. But his family is too poor and cannot afford the six-year apprenticeship.

And so he joins the army and is sent overseas where, in the middle of battle he is unfortunately struck by lightning. As he lies dying, in a foreign field far from home and his loved ones he thinks of what might have been and sings this plaintive lament.

 

                                                   “Oh ….. F”

 Well doesn’t time fly! Once again I must say farewell and speed on my way. Till we meet again!   Ardvick.

 

 Letter to the Editor.

Here at the Times office I get many letters and comments about the paper, me, national and local events, and sometimes even offensive parcels. I will now print what I consider the most topical one in each new edition.

The Editor.

 Dear Sir,

I was extremely pleased to read your report about unauthorised buildings in the last edition. Here in my own town a local craze for children’s Tree houses has meant that it is impossible to do anything in the garden or indeed the bedroom without being watched by scores of children who should be at school. The parents of these children do nothing to control their brood indeed I have heard them talk amongst themselves that “it gets them out of the house” I have reported the matter to my local community councillor but unfortunately his main occupation is a carpenter and I believe he is the one responsible for the craze in the first place.

J.P.Snork,  Dulwich,  Mella.

 

Other News.

Mugger repelled:  Blind Orc sees off large Dragon,

Explosion:   Large bang in Mage Tower. 

Heart of Corruption: Tour Party Vanishes.

Fighting in Mal Mosha:  Orc debate gets out of hand.       



Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 26 Sep 2012 at 22:30

In the Cowshed.  Late September.

 

It is a hive of activity in the main office of the Illyriad Free Times. Chedder, Head of Staff is at the activity table along with Kroc, the food section columnist, Plink, junior reporter, and a copy assistant.

 Murdoch, Assistant editor and Yalli, senior reporter are in conversation with the Editor at his desk while a messenger sits on the couch waiting to take an urgent note for a field reporter in Middle Kingdom. From the back office voices can be heard arguing.

 Without warning the entrance door bursts open and a page enters followed by two trumpeters. The trumpeters jostle into a line, raise their trumpets and blow forth.

 Trumpeters: “TAT TA, TAT TA, TAT TAAaaa….”

 Page: “Lord Granlik of Nafflink and other Dwellings in the County of Tor Carrock!”

 Trumpeters: “TA, TAT TAT TAT TAAaaa”

 Lord Granlik: (stepping through the door)  “Good afternoon everyone”

 He is greeted with panic and a chorus of “Sire!” “My Lord!”  “My Liege!”  “Sir!” “ Your Worship!” and “Uncle Granlik!” (This from Plink who is his favourite nephew)

 Granlik: “At ease everyone, Editor? Where’s the Editor?”

 Editor: (quickly standing up)  “Here my Lord”

 Granlik: “Ahh….”  He walks over to the desk as everyone scrambles out of the way and goes round it and sits in the Editors chair. The Editor moves to the front of the desk and Murdoch moves to stand just behind him. A silence falls in the room.

 The silence continues. Everyone is looking at Granlik and waits for him to speak

 Voice (very quite) from the back office: “What’s going on?”

 Second Voice (even quieter): “ For Gods sake, shut up!”

 Granlik: “I have a problem. And I want to hear your view on it, Editor, as you are the cause of it. I should have come earlier as it is now bigger then it was before the last edition when I thought of coming but then changed my mind, which I now regret”

 Editor: “Problem my Lord?”

 Granlik: “Yes, a problem. It’s about these Alliances. It can’t go on. It’s got to be sorted out. What is your view?  Ehh?  Your view?”

 Editor: “My view my Lord? You want my view?  My view?”

 Granlik: “Yes, I want your view. That’s what I just said. Can I have a view please?”

 Editor: “A view, err, view.”

 There is a short silence. The Editor seems lost for words, which is unusual for him. His assistant Murdoch, quickly rescues his employer.

 Murdoch: “My Liege, we are aware of the problem but we are only humble printers unused to the world of diplomacy and alliances and would be grateful if you could explain the more complex nuances that must be taken into consideration before coming to a decision that would satisfy all parties, and not cause any disaffection to those who cannot be included in the final analysis.”

 Granlik: “ Well said! You’ve got a good man there Editor. Wasn’t he in the Consulate before he applied to join your staff?   Now, I must decide soon about whether or not to join an alliance. Since April I’ve had over twenty odd invitations to join different alliances and I’m now getting almost one a week. I’ve written letters to all of them putting off a decision, there are big ones, small ones, very big ones, new ones, odd ones, old ones that have been going for years ones, nice ones, ones I don’t want to annoy and ones I’d like to join but don’t want to upset all the other ones. So I don’t really know what to do and its all your fault.”

 Editor: “Err you, err, sire, we were in a nice alliance some time ago sire, that’s when I started the paper. There was no problem then”

 Granlik:  “The problem is your bloody paper! I remember you coming to me for a grant after I left LWO and saying that now I was an independent Lord again the Times could print, under my patronage, whatever it wished and would not be seen attached to any specific alliance. Also you said it would attract lots of sponsors so that I wouldn’t have to pay for it. You also said it would benefit the treasury and local traders as it would lead to more tourism to my towns. You said it would also help bring a greater recognition by King Siguard and the Royal Court. None of those has happened but now every time you print a new edition more invites come flooding in. One of them has asked me three times now. It’s embarrassing and I’ve got to do something about it.”

 Plink; “ Uncle, I remember you told me that you liked being in an alliance and that you enjoyed the alliance chat. You were always telling me about what was going on in the alliance uncle, and you said that you made some good friends in the alliance. You were always saying that to everybody at the castle”

 Granlik: “I know, I know. There are lots of advantages when you are in an alliance but now there could be problems if I am in one. Alliances tend to get into wars and there is always someone shooting their mouth off and treading on someone’s toes and it would be difficult running a impartial paper when you are in a war”

 Murdoch: “My Liege, we now see the full aspect of the problem. It must weigh heavy on you head. Perhaps if you could hear the thoughts of some of the more humble members of you subjects it may provide you with a more comprehensive view of the attitude of the wider populace?”

 Granlik: “Well, that may be useful, the common touch ehh?  Has everyone been listening? Yes? Very well then, you may all speak freely and without prejudice to life or limb. Have no fear; just tell me what you think. Do you think I should join one of the alliances that have asked me to join them, taking all the various considerations into account? Yes or No?”

 Editor: “No, my Lord.”

 Page:   “No, Sire”

 Chedder: “No Sire”

 Kroc:  “Nahh mate, err My Lord”

 Murdoch “ No my Liege”

 Plink: “Yes Uncle”

 Trumpeter1:  “No my Lord”

.Yalli  “No Sire”

 Voice from back office  “No way Sire”

 Messenger “No your Worship”

 Assistant  “Err”

 Trumpeter 2: “ No my Lord”

 Granlik:” Who said yes?”

 Plink: “ Me Uncle, I could visit all the other members of the alliance and perhaps if it goes to war I could lead one of your armies and win a great battle and not only that some of the other Lords have some great daughters and perhaps…”

 Granlik: “Enough lad, I get your point. Well this has been useful. Before I came here I asked my advisors at Nefflink and most of them said it would be a mistake to join a specific alliance.  Indeed, one of the main worries was that if I was in an alliance all the others would view the Times with some suspicion and seek to find bias in any news or reporting of events”

 Editor: “My Lord. Please accept my sincere apologies for putting you in this position. I am sure an independent free press, publishing without fear or favour, unlike some other publication I could mention, shows to the whole country that you are a man of clear and uplifting principles and one who is respected by the leaders of all the great alliances in this land.”

 Chedder: (mumbling) “hear hear”

 Yalli: “Sire, if I may. As a previous servant of the King, I know he welcomes strong leadership within Elgea as an example to those inexperienced lords who are just beginning to build their own establishments.”

 Granlik: “Hrm”

 Granlik: “I need some time alone….”

 The room descends into silence once more. Everyone looks at Granlik waiting for him to do something. One of the trumpeters has a runny nose and gives a noisy sniff. The Page gets ready.  Granlik gives him a slight nod and stands up.

 Page:  “The Lord Granlik!”

 Trumpeters: “TUT TUT TUT TA”

 Everyone gives a slight bow; everybody nods and mumbles “My Lord” 

 Granlik stands and then leaves the room followed by his Page and the trumpeters. A Trooper who has been standing by the door follows the trumpeters out. From outside can be heard clashes of arms, orders, and the jingle of horses.

 Inside the main office everyone relaxes. The editor slowly makes his way to his chair and sits down in it. From outside there is the sound of a column of horses riding off.

 Editor: “Jeeze. I need a drink. A large one.” 

 He leans back in his chair and then looks up again.

 Editor: “Office!”

 Voice from back office:” “Sir?”

 Editor: “I want a doorman’s hut outside the entrance door and I want a doorman there at all times and I want a hole in the wall so he can let us know if anyone is coming and I want it done now…”

 Voice from back office:” Yes sir.”

 Editor: “Where’s my drink?”



Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 26 Sep 2012 at 22:52
/me sends another invite


Posted By: Taelin
Date Posted: 27 Sep 2012 at 07:20
A very wise decision Granlik!


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 15 Oct 2012 at 16:18

In the Consulate.  Mid October.

Committee Room Five.

 

It is early morning and the sun streams through the six windows along the eastern wall onto the long oak table in the Nafflink Consulate and the thirty odd members of the newly formed Overseeing Committee. They are all looking at the elderly man seated at the head of the table.

This person gives a cough, looks quickly at his notes, clears his throat and then addresses the members.

 Chair:  “Welcome gentlemen to this first meeting of the Overseeing committee. We are honoured to have been charged by Lord Granlik to insure that his vision of a modern, efficient, productive, forward looking and smooth running Union of the six towns come to fruition without any rancour or discord between the various structural elements that are essential in such an enterprise.

To ensure that everybody knows who represents what, can I insist that when you address the committee you state your position, interest or department? This will be extremely helpful.”

 Army General: (aside to the person on his left) “How comes he is the chair of this dogs dinner?”

 Mayor of Nefflink: (replying in a low voice) “ He’s Lord Granlik's uncle on his mothers side, he was only a brewer, stupid old duffer.”

 Diplomatic Corps: “ Can I say that the department in all of the towns is fully committed to working towards such a goal.”

 Nyfflink:  Can I ask then why the Consulate in Nyfflink is at least two months behind schedule and when will my town have a fully functioning messenger service?”

 Diplomatic Corps: “I can assure the mayor that everything is being done to remedy the situation”

 Nyfflink: “ That doesn’t answer my....”

 Chair: “ I don’t think this is the place for specific problems to be discussed”

 Chief Mage: “            Then what are we here for then? My people are still waiting for a number of research projects to be completed”

 Nofflink: “What I want to know is who decided that we should have all the new gatherer buildings in Nofflink. Most of my townspeople would prefer to work in the more traditional industries like armaments.”

 Chair: “On that point everyone has a copy of the overall future town distribution structures and these have already been agreed at a higher level. We are hear to speed up the program, not alter it”

 Army: “ So who agreed all of this?”

 Human Resources: “Lord Granlik’s special advisory team”

 Army:” What? Who the hell are you?”

 Human Recourses: “I’m from Lord Granlik’s special advisory team”

 Storehouses and Vault Section: (aside to person on his right) “What on earth is human recourses?”

 Chief Mage: “Never heard of it and I don’t like his attitude”

 Chair: “Settle down please, can you all speak via the chair not talk amongst yourselves, we haven’t dealt with item one yet”

Treasury: “Item one is most important and is the key to the structure plans”

 Chair: “Yes. Item One. Taxation Levels”

 Nufflink: “It’s much to high and us smaller towns should have a lower rate then the Capital”

 Nyfflink and Nofflink: “Agreed”

 Nefflink: “Rubbish!”

 Nafflink: “Agreed!”

 Nofflink: ”You agree with us? Well done!”

 Nafflink: “No, I agreed with him, all towns should pay the same”

 Chair: “ Order, order. The Treasury has the floor!”

 Treasury: “ Its quite simple really. We must have a total assured income to insure that overall resources are at a high level. Once this is agreed and we are sure that we are assured of this we can then surely distribute resources to those who are unsure of their own recourse levels at any specific time. Thus they will then be assured and sure that they will meet their agreed targets. I’m sure we are all agreed on this and I’m also sure that Lord Granlik will be assured if we do so”

There is a general mumble of agreement around the table and it is clear that the mayors of the three smaller towns are in a minority.

 Chair: “ Very well then. Item one is agreed. All towns pay the same rate”

 Chair: “Item two. Barrack levels in the smaller towns”

 Army: “Local armies should really be as high as possible everywhere. I must remind the committee that we are not in any alliance and, along with my friend from the Diplomatic Corps, I feel we must maintain the highest military level possible.”

 Diplomatic Corps: “ That also goes for the thief numbers in the smaller towns. By not being in an alliance, and I blame that paper published in Nafflink for that, we need to always be vigilant against threats for outside.”

 Nofflink: “Yes, our runes were triggered last month, the sods all got fried to a crisp but the smell hung over the town for a week”

 Brewery and Tavern Association: “ Hold on, we get a lot of visitors due to the Times and I hear that the next edition will have some advertising which will attract

 more tourists”

 Libraries: “I wish to protest at the pitiful amount of resources allocated to the library division throughout the Union”

 Chair: “I must insist people keep to the point. The Farmers have indicated that they wish to….”

 He is interrupted by the main committee door opening, and a young bearded man poking his head round it and then coming into the room.

 Plink: “Hallo Granddad! What’s going on here? Hallo everyone, having a meeting? I like meetings, this is great, can I join in?” 

 Plink, who is Lord Granlik’s favourite nephew comes up to the table and sits down between Human Resources and Nefflink.

 Chair: “Err, hallo young Plink, shouldn’t you be hunting with Lord Granlik this morning?”

 Plink: “Yes granddad but I got up late and he had already gone. He likes to go early. He’s hunting elephants today, he likes elephants, their great as they make a lot of noise and it’s easy to follow them once you find them”

 Army: “Hummp…”

 Chair: “Well…. I don’t think…..”

 Farmers:  (jumping in) “Chair, looking at the overall projected population growth we are confidant that we will manage to insure that supplies will continue to be available. There is however a continuing large drain due to the current Army and Diplomatic corps manpower levels. I must remind the committee that they have never really disbanded anyone from war levels even though the old  LWO – BSH war is now in the distant past. I think this committee should recommend a 30% cut at least. We don’t need thousands of …”

 Army: “WHAT?… Chair!  I must..”

 Diplomatic Corps: “ Outrageous!”

 Nefflink: “ Rubbish! Sit down! Farmers have no idea of the…”

 Chair: “Order! Order! Silence! The representative of the farmers cannot comment on matters of State! Order, Order, I will now put the question! All those in favour of the recommended barrack levels please show!”

 A forest of hands shoot up. Plink puts his hand up as well but puts it down quickly as several members glare at him. The Farmers and three others glare at everybody.

 Chair: “ Item Two carried! Thank you members. Item Three, Should the Union connect to a Trade Hub A.S.A.P?”

 Markets: “ Of course we should. Trade research is now extremely complicated and time consuming but the rewards of being able to buy the latest manufactured items cannot be ignored. We have millions in the bank not doing anything.”

 Plink: “That’s a great idea. I’d like one of those super swords that you read about in the Herald’ It would be great if I had one and as a reporter it would stop people throwing eggs at me when I’m trying to get a good story” 

 Diplomatic Corps: (he looks directly at Plink on the other side of the table) “Yes young Plink, we all worry about you! Shouldn’t you be getting along to your paper now? You don’t want to waste time here in a stuffy old meeting, do you?”

 Plink: “ No, I’m at a loose end at the moment. The editor says there isn’t much going on for me to do so I don’t need to turn up until next week”

 Chair: “Oh…”

 Nafflink: (looking directly at Plink) “How about joining a skinner party that’s leaving in the next hour to collect some Golden Monkey skins? And they’ve got a mounted escort!  Have you ever skinned a monkey?”

 Plink: “Can I really? That would be great, I could give one to my girlfriend. How do I find them before they leave?”

 Nafflink: “I’ll take you to them now. May we be excused Chair?”

 Chair: “ Of course… excused.”

 The committee watch in silence as the mayor and Plink leave the room and then they all give a sigh of relief and relax.

 Chair:  “Bolt that door please… now, where were we, ahh, item three”

 The committee continues its work. Some time later the mayor of Nefflink returns but finds the door bolted and in spite of hammering on it for several minuets it remains shut. Eventually he goes home and has a bacon sandwich.

 



Posted By: Diva
Date Posted: 19 Oct 2012 at 17:21
My first time knowing and reading about this paper... Interesting and funny.. Carry on mighty IFT.  It can only get better!


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 27 Oct 2012 at 22:41

Published in Tor Carrock  The Illyriad Free Times.   Issue 6                                                                                                                                    Late Fall  2012.

 

                       An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elger

 

                              The War of the Alliances.

For this, our sixth issue, the Times concentrates mainly on the most serous crises of recent years. The war between the most powerful alliance in the land and the consortium of alliances that are locked in battle with it. And as individual conflicts rage throughout Elger and siege parties crisscross the land our intrepid reporters race from one location to another to bring to you the latest news.  Here are their stories.

 

Yalli Lightfoot, our senior reporter sends this detailed and penetrating report from Wolgast:

“I have travelled through Mella, Fremorn and Kal Tirikan and have spoken to many senior members of several H? Members. They all maintain that they stand by each other and will not flinch from doing what is right, which entails not flinching while standing by each other. However here in Wolgast I did detect some slight flinching when speaking to a minor member of one of the bigger Members. He spoke of large losses by other Members but would not be drawn in disclosing where and when. Also I understand that in the last week an H town was seiged, which has caused intense discussion between some members within a few Members and may lead to a change in present tactics. It is not only H that is feeling the pressure. I have managed to see a top-secret report circulating within the Consone alliance which reveals that the Music Student Exchange program is under review due to “external factors that may cause difficulties” It is obvious that cracks are now beginning to appear in some places but not others and it may be that something could happen quickly to change things rather then staying static as some think.”

 

Paynin Zeass discloses the escalating cost of everyday life due to the War:

“The effects of the war are now beginning to percolate throughout everyday life and affect the ordinary elf/dwalf/man/orc in the street. As an example the cost of a one-night stay in a first class hotel has tripled (editor please note) and messenger horses are now almost impossible to hire due to military usage. Local market prices are shooting upwards and again stocks are being diverted for armament usage. Yesterday I had to queue for an hour when I bought a new travelling bag as the shop had only one assistant; the others had joined the local militia. (Cost of bag indented to expenses) I have noted large troop movements towards Tallimar (note to editor. As I am reporting war news can I claim any additional allowances?) I have also distributed several hundred copies of edition 5 of the Times which  I were well recieved ”  

 

Kroc Bosha reports from Lan Larosh:

“I normally write the food column but have been sent down here in Lan Larosh to cover the war so here is my report. I saw several siege trains travelling in various directions so I joined one of them to find out the latest news. The horse captain said he was harmless, so being an orc and much bigger then he was (a dwarf) I said I was harmless too. We travelled for several days and then camped near a large city and had well-cooked supper of boiled beef and carrots, followed by several flagons of wine.

In the morning it was discovered that the city was called Zelgone and of the LWO alliance and nothing to do with the war. There was a great argument and then it was found that the column had been given the wrong map. Dinner followed (roast boar, potatoes, green beans with custard pie to finish) and the column set of again in search of the right city. I then tried to find more troops but didn’t have any luck so came back to Nafflink”

 

Plink Ploberman recalls:

Plink: ‘Hallo, can I get your opinion of the latest situation?’

Large Orc: ‘You want my opinion?’

Plink:. ‘Yes please’

Second Orc: ‘What does he want?’

Large Orc: ‘He wants my opinion, cheeky little bugger’.

Second Orc: ‘Opinion of what?’

Plink:  ‘The war, I want your opinions of the war please.’

Very Large Orc:  ‘What war? What are you talking about?’

Large Orc:  ‘You should be careful little man, ambushing us and talking about war’

Plink:.  ‘But its my job and I’m a reporter and you’re fighting a war’

Very Large Orc:. ‘No were not, were not fighting anybody here.’

Plink: ‘Yes you are. That’s why I’ve come here’.

Enormous Orc: ‘Come here? Where do you think you are?’

Plink: ‘I’m in Ragalion and I’m asking you about the war your fighting in’.

Enormous Orc:. ‘No your not, your in Mal Mosha and your possibly in deep sh-t’.

Little Orc:  ‘Can I hit him dad?’

Plink:  ‘Oh…’

Second Orc: ‘There’s no war here sonny, on your way, NOW!’

Large Orc:  ‘SHOO…’

Enormous Orc: ‘He can certainly move when he wants to, can’t he!’

Little Orc:  ‘If he comes back again can I hit him then dad?’

 

Ardvik Grunderfutt reports:

“Well this is charming! Here I am surrounded by hardened warriors all full of testeron ready to give their all and me in just my jimjams after getting an urgent command from the editor to show myself at once outside the nearest besieged town. The town is in the middle of Arran and it is getting a right battering from the Harmless alliance.

Now I’m not with besieging army but with another lot who have come to help the town and are shooting arrows at the ones besieging it. They are also digging a trench to stop a large brigade of Calvary who have just arrived to help the first group and are expected to charge us sometime. From the hill we are on I can see the defenders on the walls who are singing to the besieging H forces a well know military ditty.”

                             

                            I met your mum last night and took her for a walk”

                            I showed her my

 

(Editor: Holy Cow, scrub this and I want to see Ardvik when he gets back. He should know better then to try and get this printed)

“It is all a bit confusing and the large lad who has been assigned to guard me is now very excited and sweating and has just said “I think were in for a bit of a tussle” For some reason this has got me all excited as well and its very difficult writing so I’ll have to stop this report for the moment”.

 

Diky Holmsman-Hughes: 

Diky was our latest recruit and the paper had high hopes for him. Unfortunately his previous employment (The Domestic Family Advisory Service) got the better of him and he attempted to calm the situation down just before a major H?  - Consone Alliance battle. He died instantly.

 

 Star letter to the Editor

 Dear Sir,

When is something going to be done about the menace that stalks our streets? It seems an honest citizen cannot walk anywhere without being accosted at every corner. I refer of course to charity sellers, only the other day my lady wife and I were returning from the shops when this large young man appeared from out of the blue and stuck a pin in my chest. The pin had a yellow flag attached to it with the words “Help the Unfortunate Outcasts from a Materialist Society who do not have the wherewithal to conduct their affairs in an orderly manner”

I was angry but my wife took pity on his begradled appearance. Soon she had purchased seven flags and the young man had some difficulty in sticking them all on her chest, it taking several minuets for the last two. He then announced that she had won a prize for the best contributor for the week and would have to accompany him to collect it. My wife urged me to continue homeward to feed the cat while they went to the office.

When she arrived home later that evening I enquired what she had won. She appeared flustered but after gentle questioning she disclosed what had happened. When they arrived at his office he could not find the prize so she had offered to help him find it. After several hours they were, she told me, both exhausted and had to rest. Then, can you believe it – another seller arrived to inform then that the prize had already been won earlier that morning.

Now my wife may have been fooled but not me! It is obvious that the sellers are in cahoots with each other and the weekly prize is still there but safely hidden!

So I call on the Authorities to act at once and protect the gullible from such practises in our fair city.

Yours Truly,

Ivaa Problem, Tunbridge Wells, 

 

Other News:

Another Pet Missing:        Elephant lost in back garden.

Super Cotter Soon:            Cotter I.Q increased to 50? 

Heart of Corruption:          Gets tentacles wet.

Dwarven Mining Disaster: Lunch lost in cave in

       



Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 27 Nov 2012 at 10:33

In the Cowshed once more.  (November)

 

The sun has long set and a slight fog swirls around the Nafflink Cowshed. Inside however the senior staff of the Illyriad Free Times are clustered around the editors desk discussing urgent business.

 

Editor: “I think we should go careful on this”

 

Murdoch:  “ Lord Granlik has asked what we are doing about it, he says everyone is     talking about it but no one will put it in writing”

 

Editor:  “ Tell him we are investigating, tell him we are looking into it”

 

Murdoch:” So do we say something?”

 

Chedder:  “ We do have some slight evidence and also the Druids of Kildarran are not to happy about the way the Tournament was run”

 

Editor: “What! Don’t be stupid.  You don’t start to question the motives of the Circle of Five when almost every major alliance has been given the opportunity to get its troops fighting fit and try out new tactics during the recent Tourney. What we could do however is to question why the Herald now falls over backward to always give the Circle a good press. I think they have been bought out. Remember that reporter who lost his fingers some months ago?  The Herald is a commercial money-grabbing outfit and they were going to sue the Circle of Five for causing injury to their reporter. Then they changed their mind. Think of all the cash they could have got.”

 

Murdoch: “ I knew that reporter back in college and he was always in trouble and getting his fingers burnt. I think he left the Herald after what had happened.”

 

Voice from back office: “ The fingers just fell off, they weren’t burnt Sir”

 

Editor: “ Well anyway, we are not going to run a story about the Circle in the next edition.  By then we should have this lawyer in post, as we agreed (looking at Chedder) and he can make it his first task to work out any problems we could have with going ahead with an article on the Circle.”

 

Chedder: “I know we agreed to get a lawyer but I think we will have problems once he is here. My brother who works for an architect in Middle Kingdom says they can’t do anything now without a lawyer having to agree whatever it is they want to do and every meeting has at least three lawyers in attendance and the budget has gone through the roof.”

 

Murdoch: “Granlik won’t like paying out any more money for this place. Plink says he keeps on about the cost as it is. Young Plink is very useful in keeping him happy as he thinks the world of Plink and Plink thinks he does a good job here. I always tell Plink he is doing a grand job here.”

 

Chedder: “I always ask him if he needs anything.”

 

Voice from the back office: “Plink makes a very good cup of tea Sir.”

 

Editor: “Plink is an idiot but I must admit a very useful one. However, the Times must move with the times!” (He waits for laughter at this awful pun but there is just an embarrassed silence) “ So we must see if we can get a lawyer. Are there any applicants yet?”

 

Voice from the back office:  “Thirty nine to date Sir”

 

Editor: “Thirty nine?  Sh*t, pull that advert now!”

 

Voice from the back office: “ It’s still got two weeks to run Sir”

 

Editor: “No! I said pull it now and I want the interviews to start next week”

 

Voice from the back office:” Yes Sir.”

 

Murdoch: “You and me for the interviews?”

 

Editor: “Yup, and also you Chedder as Chief of staff.  We need someone who will fit in here and is a team player. Hold on I’ve got an idea. Nip over to Nifflink and have a word with the top magician there, Sigfried, I think. He has a major certificate in Attack Charms. Ask him if he could pop over here to see the lawyer once we have one in place and he can fill us all in on this Circle of Five.”

 

Chedder: “ The Circle is considered the top magical group and each one of the five is a specialist in their own field. So when you consider that there are only five of them  I’m really surprised the Herald backed down and didn’t take them to court.”

 

Editor: “I wish I had the Heralds resources. Three main offices, twelve regional sites, a score of fully paid reporters and umpteen regional hacks, ink, paper, all metal printing, messengers, layout benches, subsidised canteens, money, pension scheme, furniture and a fully equipped office with sufficient staff to run things properly.”

 

Murdoch: “Thank you Sir”

 

Chedder:  “Thank you Sir”

 

Voice from back office: “Thank you Sir”

 

Murdoch: “ Hay, I just remembered! That reporter is a relation of King Sigurd! He always had people sucking up to him, the greasy spoonbag”

 

Editor: “Is he really?  You say he left the Herald? Find out what he’s doing now and see if he wants to join us here. He could be very useful with how the Herald works and he must have been quite good as a reporter for them to send him to question the Circle.”

 

Murdoch: “ Ok, I’ll ask around. Trying to remember his name…he was cross eyed, that I do remember.”

 

Editor: “Right, almost done for today. Chedder, have you got the latest circulation figures yet?”

 

Chedder: “ Yes sir, issue 6 again shows an increase over the summer edition and there are now several requests as to if we will accept adverts. Also Paynins idea of all reporters taking old copies with them on assignments has paid off. Another development is that with this H v Others war still going on a lot of alliance members have been passing copies to each other and there have been lots of enquiries as to when the next issue is coming out.”

 

Editor: “ Good, the last item is….”

 

Watchman: (speaking through the hole in the wall) “Young master Plink is just getting off his horse sir!”

 

Editor: “That’s it! All finished! Time to go home! I want all reporters expense sheets on my desk tomorrow morning and all the lawyer applications as well. Goodnight gentlemen!.”

 

Everyone gets up and goes rapidly out of the building and hurries down the street towards the town Tavern.  Plink, who had been putting a blanket on his horse Primrose is too late to catch any of them and so gets back on his horse and goes home.  In his pocket is a letter to the editor from his uncle, Lord Granlik, which states that due to the economic situation the grant to the running costs of the Times must be cut by at least 30%.

 



Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 21 Dec 2012 at 20:50

In the Nefflink Consulate.  (late December)

It is the time of fogs and cold winds and the promise of snow and ice soon in the forests of Tor Carrock.  The capital city of Nefflink, home of Lord Granlik is the meeting place for the Overseeing Committee, charged by Granlik to ensure that his growing domain runs efficiently and is in the forefront of innovation and modern technology.

The Chair listens to the deep bong of the main Time Gong indicating the mid morning period has begun and calls the committee to order.

Chair: 'Silence and Order! Order! Order! Silence in the room! Bolt the doors!'

The members of the Overseeing Committee gradually fall silent. This is its second meeting and those who were at the first one note some changes. Firstly, there seem more people present and secondly some of the town mayors have brought along their town standard and have tied it to their chair. This causes raised eyebrows from those who haven’t thought of doing so.

Chair:  'Welcome members to our second meeting, we have a lot to get through and I hope we can proceed in an orderly manner and without rancour. The first item is.... One moment, where is the Mayor of Nufflink? Nufflink is not present'

Nofflink: 'Their new Trade Office roof collapsed last night and so I assume he's sorting it out.'

Chair: 'Well, he's the mayor and he really should delegate something like that but if he's not here and a vote is required Nufflink will vote with the Chair.'

Several Members: 'What? Pardon? Hey! Who says? Rubbish!

Chair: 'Order! One at a time please.'

Army General: ' Who decided that? Never heard of such nonsense. This is an outrage!'

Constitutional Affairs: ' The Chair is correct. All members were given a copy of Standing Orders as were agreed at the first meeting and the newer members were handed one in the corridor some minutes ago. S.O. 37 states that an absent members vote will automatically support the Chair.'

Nafflink: 'Hold on there, Who are you and where did you spring from? Never heard of you and who decided you are on this committee?'

Human Resources: ' He's with me from Lord Granlik's Advisory Committee.'

Information Technology: ‘He is quite right. Standing Orders cannot be challenged.’

Legal and Compliance: ‘I concur.’

Army: (glaring at I.T. and L.C.) ‘I suppose you two are from the bloody Advisory Committee as well?’

Chair: 'Now members we must press on. Item 1. Upgrading of road link to Nyfflink.'

Nyfflink: 'About time, we in Nyfflink have been waiting almost...'

Chair: 'All agreed? Thank you. Next. Transfer of surplus army equipment. Agreed? Thank you. Next. Rune Protection. Agreed? Thank you. Next. Town Population Targets. Agreed? Thank you. Next. Specialist Production in specific Towns. Agreed? Thank....'

Stonemasons: 'Oi!  Hold on, why all these town demolitions of primary resources?’

Woodworkers: ‘Yeah, Carpenters are really needed in every town!’

Nafflink: 'Why do I lose my cotters and my kiln and who decided the smaller towns now get all the cotters?’

Nifflink: ‘I’m happy with the specialist spear production and armour, very nice!’

Paddocks: 'A Horse Trainer is needed in every town, four feet keep us all going!'

Gatherers Association; 'Stuff your horses mate, see how you like tramping miles to work every day!'

More members begin to interrupt and give objections to the table paper and soon the room is in uproar. The Chair calls for order without success and two of the mayors begin to wave their Standards at each other. Outside the bolted doors one of the guards gives a nod and looks at the other.

First Guard: ' Did you ever sort out a problem by just talking about it?'

Second Guard: ' Nah, tried it once but then had to hit him, problem solved'

First Guard: ' Yup, that’s the way to do it, mind you. its best to know if the bloke has brothers first.'

Inside the committee room the Army General decided to stop the chaos. He climbed on the table, draws his sword and shouts ' SILENCE! ATTEND THE CHAIR!' and then stamps his boot on the table which shudders along its length. The noise abates and the committee members fall silent, those standing sit down. He then jumps down as the Chair takes a deep breath.

Chair: ‘That was appalling behaviour and if it happens again I shall suspend the meeting and report direct to Lord Granlik! I will remind you all that Lord Granlik expects each and every one of you to behave in a dignified manner and also I would like to remind you that he is our Chosen Lord and we have all pledged our honour to him. Lastly I don’t think I have to remind any of you WHY he was chosen….’ (Several members shut their eyes while others turn a pasty white) ‘ So let us continue in an orderly manner. Item 5, Specialist Production in specific Towns. which I understand Lord Granlik is extremely keen on, all agreed?  Thank you’

Diplomatic Corps: ‘Chair, could I ask that Item 17 be considered now as it relates to the ongoing conflict between some of our trading partners and if the committee agrees the recommendation I can order messengers to be dispatched before lunch?’

Health and Safety: ‘Will the messengers be supplied with a packed lunch? I assume they are expecting a normal meal at midday and I don’t like to think of them falling of their mounts due to malnutrition or dehydration later in the day….’

Brewery and Tavern Association: ‘Arrghhhh… How many more of these Advisory people are on this committee? Who thinks them up? What do they do all day long? Where have they come from?’ 

Chair: ‘The Advisory Committee directly advises Lord Granlik and is made up of specialist professionals that Lord Granlik feels are useful in giving him specific advice on specialist matters. The Advisory Committee also draws up the agenda for this committee and Lord Granlik feels that this committee benefits from having a number of the Advisory Committee members sitting on it to aid its deliberations’

Army (in an aside to Chief Mage) ‘He’s just read that from a piece of paper. He’s come prepared for this’

Chief Mage (replying) ‘Don’t forget the old goat is Granlik’s uncle. I think we’ve all been stitched up’

Chair: ‘Members we must move on. Is it agreed we take item 17 now? Yes? Agreed?  Thank you and I order that all messengers be supplied with a packed lunch. Its getting a bit chilly in here and I see for some reason that the fires have not been lit so I think we should now adjourn while that is seen to and it will also give members an opportunity to reread standing orders. Is that agreed? Thank you. This meeting is now adjourned for one hour.’

The members file out into the corridor where it is even colder. The Chair disappears with the Diplomatic Corps member into a side room where the Head of the Consulate welcomes them with a drink and they discuss the latest court gossip around the blazing fire.  Outside the Consulate the first flurry of snow begins to settle on the ground. 

 



Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 08 Jan 2013 at 22:47

Published in            The Illyriad Free Times.     Issue No.7

Tor Carrock                                                                                                                  Start 2013

 

   An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea

 

Welcome to the New Year and issue 7 in which dear readers, we bring to you in living colour. No other regional paper is able to match our coverage of national events or the high quality standards of our professional correspondents. However, the most significant advance of the Times is shown by our ever-increasing readership throughout the land for which I, and my staff thank you all.     The Editor.

 

 

         Teenagers flock in Thousands to Crazy Cult

By Yalli Hi-Lightfoot, Senior Reporter

 

Again the Illyriad Free Times is the first to disclose a shocking and ever growing threat to all of Elgea. The very foundations of our society are at risk if the Authorities do not act quickly and take immediate action.

After months of undercover investigation your paper can reveal that a dangerous Cult is luring the young of all races away from our traditional beliefs and customs and is in doctrinating them to reject all belief in the natural Force of Magic.

The Cult operates under the name of The Society of Scientific Investigators and is concentrated mainly within the “nooby ring” but is now spreading rapidly throughout all regions. Young people are drawn into local “Laboratory Classes” by various means (a large number of the recruiters are attractive young females) and once in are actively encouraged to “do their own thing and experiment”. Strange powders called chemicals are used in glass jars and thousands of frog legs are delivered in covered wagons every day. It is also roumoured that something called free love is always available within the classes.

The Leaders of the Cult are known as Professors and can be identified by the long white coats that they wear. At some stage all new followers must go through an initiation ceremony which includes copper wires being attached to intimate parts of the body, the follower is then subjected to something called “shock treatment” after which the follower will refuse to acknowledge the status of a Mage and refuse to attend any kind of magical gathering.

A recent worrying development is a “happening” where hundreds of followers, who call themselves Sosies suddenly, converge on a public space or outside a public building. They then begin chanting “Science Good, Magic Bad” and hand out leaflets to passing citizens. It is frightening to note how many of the young eagerly read these.

This paper urges strong action by those in Authority and for this organisation to be outlawed at once for the sake of our civilization. All current conflicts should be halted until the threat is dealt with and the Leaders of SOSI arrested.

 

 

 

                        More Alliances but Less Members.

By Panin Zeass, Reporter.

 

The total number of Alliances in Elgea has grown rapidly in the last few months and most observers put this down to another unseen consequence of the long drawn out war between H? and its supporters and the Consone Group. Both camps have lost members due to varying reasons which would be too time consuming to list, but many of these deserters have created small alliances of their own. Also a fair number of “war neutral” groups have sprung up to offer sanctuary. Another growing section are the newer Craft and Trade organizations formed to deal with the recent gathering discoveries. And so while many of the older, larger traditional alliances are seeing a drop in their numbers there are far more smaller, flexible and attractive openings for anyone seeking companionship then ever before in the land. New Lords just setting out on their career have never had it so good, providing they look where they are going and pick a spot where there is room to expand. Easy!

 

 

 

                   Local High Command gets High Tech.

By Plink Ploberman, Junior Reporter.

 

Here in the Nefflink Group the Army High Command has recently supplied all of its commanders with crafted equipment (weapons, armour and mounts) directly purchased from one of the leading Crafter alliance in Elgea, Ancient Air, based in Ursor. Although there are many local crafters scattered within the seven towns specific equipment production cannot be guaranteed, as the local gathering of items is sporadic.

When asked why the rush to equip our forces General Toopal replied, “We may march on our stomach but we need to march with all the same stuff. Ancient Air delivered what we wanted, when we wanted and where we wanted it on the dot. No problem!”  He then galloped away waving his sword in the air.

 

 

OUR FEATURE SECTION.

 

Krocs Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha writes

Now I know its cold out there so for this edition I have a couple of useful recipes to keep those feet and fingers (and in the case of our elven friends the ears as well) warm and cosy.

 

First one is an old human liquid lunch handed down from the hills and highlands wherever men meet to mountaineer. You will need a large bottle (each).

Mix one cup of whisky with one cup of rum with one cup of brandy with one cup of scotch with one cup of vodka with two cups of whisky and lastly three drops of absince. Be very careful while climbing and if someone drops his bottle run like hell as it will explode.

 

Winter Curry Rolls.

Make a large bowl of bread mix (any kind of bread mix, the taste will die anyway)

Add 7 tbls of hot curry powder (Madras or Vindaloo)

Add 1 tsp of salt

Add 5 crushed small green chilli (with seeds)

Add 3 whisked eggs to bind

Add 2 squirts of tomato sauce to colour.

Mix all together, form into bread rolls and bake for 30 min

These are best eaten cold and with gloves.

 

Till next time, Kroc.

 

Songs of Elgea.

Ardvic Grunderfutt writes

I love hearing children singing and it doesn’t matter what they look like or where they come from so today I have a couple of treats for you.

I start with an elfin junior school song from the hills of Relden and it brings a vision of summer in the forest glades

 

The squirrel dances in the trees and shows his nuts to us.

Our teacher tells us look away.

She shouldn’t make a fuss.

 

And in the dell a smelly smell reminds us to take care.

But that’s the way of nature.

Tread lightly over there.

 

The doe she runs, but not so fast, in amongst the hay.

And now the buck, he’s very quick.

Ohh, his luck is in today.

 

Young orcs grow up in a different culture but they still have that energy and passions of youth in this lively song.

 

Catch the SPIDER on the run!

Pull his LEGS off one by one!

Kill the CAT and bite the dog!

Squash the HEDGEHOG with a log!

So off we SKIP and out to play!

And have a JOLLY JOLLY day!

 

Don’t forget. A song always brings out a smile.  Ardvic.

 

 

CLASSIFIED SECTION:

 

Need a Superior Sword Quickly?                   Hides and Other Bits Needed

Ancient Air, Crafters of Repute.                      Granlik Gatherers pay well.

  If you want it we will do it!                             Send an IGM with offers.

 

   Nefflink and other town Tours.                    THIS SPACE IS FOR YOU

        See Granliks Castle.                                  Contact the Editor if you or

      Visit the I.F.T.Cowshed                              your organization want it!

 

NEWS IN BRIEF.

 

Elephants Hunt:       Lord Granlik gets 11 more elephants.

Floods in Arran:        School Open Day washed out.

Mining Disaster:       Trove mine exhausted.

Everlasting War:       Still going on.

 



Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 09 Jan 2013 at 00:24
Could these SOSI people somehow be associated with the Temple of Reason?  And are the Editor's fingers safe when the Circle of Five reads this report?


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 08 Feb 2013 at 21:49

In the Cowshed again.  (February)

 

Midmorning, and Murdoch and Chedder are round the editor’s desk discussing the editor’s absence.

 

Chedder: “ It’s not like him to be late three days running.”

 

Murdoch:  “I don’t understand it, last week he was happy as a sand boy.”

 

Chedder:  “I agree, with the circulation figures going up 15% for the colour edition and Granlik’s confirmation of restoring our full grant plus another 10% for the responses to the hides advert in the classified section it was a joy to be working here.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “A very pleasant week sir.”

 

Chedder:  “Stop ear wigging and get on with your work in there if you don’t mind.”

 

Voices from the back office: “Yes sir!”

 

Murdoch:  “Something’s worrying him I just know it but we best get these reporters expense sheets sorted in order for when he gets here.”

 

Chedder:  “Have you seen how much Paynin puts in each month? He claims for anything that moves or smells within a mile of him. His messenger bill is more then Yalli or young Plinks combined.”

 

Murdoch: “Plink never fills his sheet in properly and always forgets where he’s been.”

 

They are interrupted by the inner door suddenly opening and the newly appointed company Lawyer enters the room and quickly approaches the desk. Both Murdoch and Chedder quickly stand up.

 

Lawyer:  “Good morning gentlemen”

 

Murdoch:  “Hallo”

 

Chedder:  “Good morning”

 

Lawyer:  “There is nothing good about it. Where is the Editor?” 

 

Murdoch:  “I’m afraid he’s not in yet. Are you settling in ok?”

 

Lawyer:  “Frankly no I’m not. And also I prefer to be known as the Legal Advisor in future. When are you expecting him?”

 

Murdoch: “Shortly we hope. Will you wait? would you like a chair?”

 

Legal Advisor: ” No I will not. Please tell him that the room allocated to me is still not finished to my satisfaction and that the other alterations agreed are incomplete. I shall return later. Goodbye gentlemen.”

 

The Legal Advisor leaves the room slamming the door. As Murdoch and Chedder sit down the door opens once more causing them to both jump up again. Plink enters the room.

 

Plink:  “Hallo. What a nice day! It’s great isn’t it?  Who was that who just rushed past me?”

 

Chedder: “Morning young Plink. That was our new Legal Advisor that was.”

 

Plink: “Oh, great! I was told we had one now.”

 

Murdoch:  “No it’s not great. I see trouble ahead from that one.”

 

Plink;  “Really?  Uncle Granlik has sent me down with a note for the editor”

 

As he speaks the Editor steps through the entrance door and stamps his feet on the welcome rug.

 

Editor:  “That bloody watchman is asleep again! I’m thinking of getting a goose in his place. I’ve got one at home in case the orcs come again. Got in the LWO war and it did a good job then. I want Paynin at once. Is Paynin around?”

 

Voice from the back office: “He’s in Keppen checking up on the elephant-flu outbreak sir”

 

Plink:  “That outbreak could be bigger then the bird-flu scare last year!”

 

Editor: I need him here now! Send a messenger to get him back here now!”

 

Murdoch:  “How are you today sir? Feeling better?”

 

Editor:   “Better? There’s nothing wrong with me, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. Someone has to do the thinking round here. Some one has to think ahead. We can’t all just sit on our buts and hope things will just carry on. Luckily for this paper and you lot I have vision and keep in touch with things, that way we keep ahead of the game!  Ok, anything I should know of?”

 

Murdoch:  “The new Legal Advisor was looking for you sir”

 

Editor:  “Oh stinking goat pats.”

 

Plink:   “And I’ve got a note for you from Uncle Granlik.”

 

Editor:  “Oh great stinking goat pats…”

 

The inner door flies open once more and the Legal Advisor comes in and advances towards the editor who quickly moves behind his desk, places his hands on it and smiles at the Advisor.

 

Editor: “Ahh, Evinska! How are you today? You look really well. That is a nice dress. Is your room finished yet? Have you moved all your stuff in ok? You know Murdoch and Chedder of course so may I introduce you to our youngest reporter Plink Ploberman… he is nephew to Lord Granlik our generous patron who I may say is a fervent supporter of female advancement in the professional classes and was particularly pleased when I told….”

 

Legal Advisor: “My study room is NOT finished and my files are STILL at my old employer and the FEMALE TOILET has not even been started as agreed at my interview. I will NOT work in an environment containing buckets labelled LEGAL STAFF ONLY and also I do not wish to eat lunch during the working week on a trestle table in the company of print operatives while being watched by bovines looking over a small wall at me and chewing cud. I therefore have DECIDED to carry out my employment duties for you at my previous employers premises, which are only 100 yards away from this building. You will pay rent to him for my occupation there. I will report to you at 1 pm sharp every day for whatever time is required and if I am needed at any other time in the working day you will send a runner to fetch me.

I shall attend ALL staff meetings and also ALL editorial policy meetings so that I can advise on matters of law, custom, public good and any other situation where I consider the paper, or its employees, may possibly be entering into a compromising position. FURTHERMORE I am of the opinion that in future a scribe is present to record all decisions reached on such occasions so as to ensure clarity and any formal responsibility.”

 

There is a long silence. Murdoch and Chedder look sideways at each other. Plink looks at Evinska with a silly smile on his face. The Editor looks at his desk, then at the ceiling, and then slowly sits down in his chair. He sighs slowly and softly and looks at his desk again, and then a close inspection reveals his mouth is moving but what he is saying cannot be made out. Finally he looks up at the Legal Advisor and in a calm even tone replies to her.

 

Editor: “Well thank you Evinska for your very welcome suggestions. I’m sure they can be accommodated into our agreement. In fact I feel they are extremely sensible and will ensure that things will run smoothly to everyone’s satisfaction. May I also say that you have certainly shown that the Illyriad Free Times is now eminently protected in the legal sense against whatever the world can now throw against us.

Is there anything else that you wish to raise at this time?”

 

Legal Advisor:  “No, I think I have covered everything for now. If you’re agreeable I’ll go back to Help4U Ltd and tell them its all sorted out. I’ll carry on working from there from now on and also take my lunch with them as well,”

 

The Editor gives her a slight nod, Evinska gives him one back, glances round the room at the others who are standing with their mouths open, gives a sniff and then goes out the main door.

 

Editor:  (leaning back in his chair)  “Well, I didn’t expect… Murdoch, take that I told you so expression of your face please…  Plink, give me your uncles note. Thank you. (He reads it and puts it on the desk)  Yes, I thought it would be about that. He asking if I have had any thoughts about the newly discovered continent.”

 

Chedder:   “Thoughts?  The announcement of its discovery was only last week”.

 

Editor: “Ah Chedder, man of little faith. That’s why I’ve been late lately. Granlik was informed some time ago – all the Lords were and he told me.  I have been thinking about these smashed lands and how they were discovered for a couple of days but mainly how could I get a reporter over there. And last night it all clicked into place.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “The new lands are broken sir, not smashed.”

 

Murdoch:  “Are you saying you know how they were found?”

 

Editor: “I’m certain about it and if I’m correct we can get a man there and back in a reasonable time. I want the next edition brought forward so that we can publish ASAP some time this month. I want that dwarf Paynin back here ASAP and I want you Plink to arrange a private meeting for me with your uncle Granlik ASAP and I want you Chedder to keep that bloody woman away from this building until the next edition is out, I don’t care how you do it, marry her if necessary and I want Yalli and all the correspondents to get their stuff in ASAP so that we can do the run ASAP. I’ve already done a quick draft of the main story.  Is that clear everybody?”

 

Plink:  “Great!” 

 

Voice from the back office: “It’s just gone midday. Do you want your lunch now sir?”

 

In the Cowshed again.  (February)

 

Midmorning, and Murdoch and Chedder are round the editor’s desk discussing the editor’s absence.

 

Chedder: “ It’s not like him to be late three days running.”

 

Murdoch:  “I don’t understand it, last week he was happy as a sand boy.”

 

Chedder:  “I agree, with the circulation figures going up 15% for the colour edition and Granlik’s confirmation of restoring our full grant plus another 10% for the responses to the hides advert in the classified section it was a joy to be working here.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “A very pleasant week sir.”

 

Chedder:  “Stop ear wigging and get on with your work in there if you don’t mind.”

 

Voices from the back office: “Yes sir!”

 

Murdoch:  “Something’s worrying him I just know it but we best get these reporters expense sheets sorted in order for when he gets here.”

 

Chedder:  “Have you seen how much Paynin puts in each month? He claims for anything that moves or smells within a mile of him. His messenger bill is more then Yalli or young Plinks combined.”

 

Murdoch: “Plink never fills his sheet in properly and always forgets where he’s been.”

 

They are interrupted by the inner door suddenly opening and the newly appointed company Lawyer enters the room and quickly approaches the desk. Both Murdoch and Chedder quickly stand up.

 

Lawyer:  “Good morning gentlemen”

 

Murdoch:  “Hallo”

 

Chedder:  “Good morning”

 

Lawyer:  “There is nothing good about it. Where is the Editor?” 

 

Murdoch:  “I’m afraid he’s not in yet. Are you settling in ok?”

 

Lawyer:  “Frankly no I’m not. And also I prefer to be known as the Legal Advisor in future. When are you expecting him?”

 

Murdoch: “Shortly we hope. Will you wait? would you like a chair?”

 

Legal Advisor: ” No I will not. Please tell him that the room allocated to me is still not finished to my satisfaction and that the other alterations agreed are incomplete. I shall return later. Goodbye gentlemen.”

 

The Legal Advisor leaves the room slamming the door. As Murdoch and Chedder sit down the door opens once more causing them to both jump up again. Plink enters the room.

 

Plink:  “Hallo. What a nice day! It’s great isn’t it?  Who was that who just rushed past me?”

 

Chedder: “Morning young Plink. That was our new Legal Advisor that was.”

 

Plink: “Oh, great! I was told we had one now.”

 

Murdoch:  “No it’s not great. I see trouble ahead from that one.”

 

Plink;  “Really?  Uncle Granlik has sent me down with a note for the editor”

 

As he speaks the Editor steps through the entrance door and stamps his feet on the welcome rug.

 

Editor:  “That bloody watchman is asleep again! I’m thinking of getting a goose in his place. I’ve got one at home in case the orcs come again. Got in the LWO war and it did a good job then. I want Paynin at once. Is Paynin around?”

 

Voice from the back office: “He’s in Keppen checking up on the elephant-flu outbreak sir”

 

Plink:  “That outbreak could be bigger then the bird-flu scare last year!”

 

Editor: I need him here now! Send a messenger to get him back here now!”

 

Murdoch:  “How are you today sir? Feeling better?”

 

Editor:   “Better? There’s nothing wrong with me, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. Someone has to do the thinking round here. Some one has to think ahead. We can’t all just sit on our buts and hope things will just carry on. Luckily for this paper and you lot I have vision and keep in touch with things, that way we keep ahead of the game!  Ok, anything I should know of?”

 

Murdoch:  “The new Legal Advisor was looking for you sir”

 

Editor:  “Oh stinking goat pats.”

 

Plink:   “And I’ve got a note for you from Uncle Granlik.”

 

Editor:  “Oh great stinking goat pats…”

 

The inner door flies open once more and the Legal Advisor comes in and advances towards the editor who quickly moves behind his desk, places his hands on it and smiles at the Advisor.

 

Editor: “Ahh, Evinska! How are you today? You look really well. That is a nice dress. Is your room finished yet? Have you moved all your stuff in ok? You know Murdoch and Chedder of course so may I introduce you to our youngest reporter Plink Ploberman… he is nephew to Lord Granlik our generous patron who I may say is a fervent supporter of female advancement in the professional classes and was particularly pleased when I told….”

 

Legal Advisor: “My study room is NOT finished and my files are STILL at my old employer and the FEMALE TOILET has not even been started as agreed at my interview. I will NOT work in an environment containing buckets labelled LEGAL STAFF ONLY and also I do not wish to eat lunch during the working week on a trestle table in the company of print operatives while being watched by bovines looking over a small wall at me and chewing cud. I therefore have DECIDED to carry out my employment duties for you at my previous employers premises, which are only 100 yards away from this building. You will pay rent to him for my occupation there. I will report to you at 1 pm sharp every day for whatever time is required and if I am needed at any other time in the working day you will send a runner to fetch me.

I shall attend ALL staff meetings and also ALL editorial policy meetings so that I can advise on matters of law, custom, public good and any other situation where I consider the paper, or its employees, may possibly be entering into a compromising position. FURTHERMORE I am of the opinion that in future a scribe is present to record all decisions reached on such occasions so as to ensure clarity and any formal responsibility.”

 

There is a long silence. Murdoch and Chedder look sideways at each other. Plink looks at Evinska with a silly smile on his face. The Editor looks at his desk, then at the ceiling, and then slowly sits down in his chair. He sighs slowly and softly and looks at his desk again, and then a close inspection reveals his mouth is moving but what he is saying cannot be made out. Finally he looks up at the Legal Advisor and in a calm even tone replies to her.

 

Editor: “Well thank you Evinska for your very welcome suggestions. I’m sure they can be accommodated into our agreement. In fact I feel they are extremely sensible and will ensure that things will run smoothly to everyone’s satisfaction. May I also say that you have certainly shown that the Illyriad Free Times is now eminently protected in the legal sense against whatever the world can now throw against us.

Is there anything else that you wish to raise at this time?”

 

Legal Advisor:  “No, I think I have covered everything for now. If you’re agreeable I’ll go back to Help4U Ltd and tell them its all sorted out. I’ll carry on working from there from now on and also take my lunch with them as well,”

 

The Editor gives her a slight nod, Evinska gives him one back, glances round the room at the others who are standing with their mouths open, gives a sniff and then goes out the main door.

 

Editor:  (leaning back in his chair)  “Well, I didn’t expect… Murdoch, take that I told you so expression of your face please…  Plink, give me your uncles note. Thank you. (He reads it and puts it on the desk)  Yes, I thought it would be about that. He asking if I have had any thoughts about the newly discovered continent.”

 

Chedder:   “Thoughts?  The announcement of its discovery was only last week”.

 

Editor: “Ah Chedder, man of little faith. That’s why I’ve been late lately. Granlik was informed some time ago – all the Lords were and he told me.  I have been thinking about these smashed lands and how they were discovered for a couple of days but mainly how could I get a reporter over there. And last night it all clicked into place.”

 

Voice from the back office:  “The new lands are broken sir, not smashed.”

 

Murdoch:  “Are you saying you know how they were found?”

 

Editor: “I’m certain about it and if I’m correct we can get a man there and back in a reasonable time. I want the next edition brought forward so that we can publish ASAP some time this month. I want that dwarf Paynin back here ASAP and I want you Plink to arrange a private meeting for me with your uncle Granlik ASAP and I want you Chedder to keep that bloody woman away from this building until the next edition is out, I don’t care how you do it, marry her if necessary and I want Yalli and all the correspondents to get their stuff in ASAP so that we can do the run ASAP. I’ve already done a quick draft of the main story.  Is that clear everybody?”

 

Plink:  “Great!” 

 

Voice from the back office: “It’s just gone midday. Do you want your lunch now sir?”

 



Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 20 Feb 2013 at 15:50

 

         The Illyriad Free Times.

            Published in Tor Carrock                                          Issue No 8.  February 2013

        

        BROKEN LANDS DISCOVERY DISCLOSED.

 Once more it is left to the Illyriad Free Times to reveal how the new continent situated far across the southern ocean was recently discovered and forced the Authorities to rapidly announce a string of misleading information. The whole of Elgea is still awash with rumours as to how it was found which includes magical spell casting by the Circle of Five or various magical based factions, secret official government expeditions using advanced seagoing craft, various alliances deploying special unknown powers (these mainly name those who are called after winged creatures such as the Crows or Eagles) and even the new cult of Scientific Investigations as revealed in our last edition.

 The Times can now announce the true facts but by far the most disgraceful element is the total absence of any news by any official spokesman or indeed any reference at all to the man who did it by the Herald newspaper! We say no more about this censorship, this arrogance of power. All we say is this paper refuses to be gagged by those who wish you to remain in ignorance of the true facts regarding the Broken Lands.

 And so we can now tell you how it was done! A dwarven pirate did it! For years Whitebeard the Pirate and his crew of free orcs have sailed the southern shores robbing certain fat coastal traders of there ill-gotten wealth and then distributing it to the needy and down trodden poor of the coastal cities. A compatriot of the legendary PirateKing, Whitebeard had studied the tales of a land far to the south and had made many attempts to find it. And early last year by masterly seamanship he succeeded in his quest and made a number of successful crossings. Details are still uncertain but it is known that there are kingdoms over there but more importantly living space for our burgeoning population here in Elgea.

 This paper has obtained secret plans being developed by the Authorities to allow movement to the new lands and we understand these will be announced in due course.

 However the Illyriad Free Times is proud to announce that one of our top reporters is already on his way to the new land. Paynin Zeass sailed south some days ago aboard Captain Whitebeard’s ship, The Floating Keg, which has been fully refitted out by a grant from  Lord Granlik of Tor Carrock , patron of this paper.

Our next edition will carry Paynin’s (an old associate of Captain Whitebeard) first report from the new continent and we are certain it will an engrossing read. Order your copy now!

 

         SLOW DEATH OF THE MOST DEADLY WAR.    

By Yalli Hathingnor Senior Reporter

 

The war is ending but unlike most Illyriad wars it seems that the specific date will depend on where you are standing. With the sudden dissolution of Consone siege trains shuddered to a halt all over the land and caused massive traffic jams. In places battles still raged while at others spontaneous friendly football matches between opposing forces broke out, leading in one case to a Harmless? Field Marshal having a severe heart attack.

Within days diplomats were speeding everywhere and in the cities of the Leaders of Harmless? the queues at the consulates became difficult to manage as delegations from some (not all) of their opponents arrived, mixed with traders, hangers on, crafters, Allied partners, well-wishers, warmongers, merchants and a large number of Lords wishing to join Harmless? before the 100 members limit was reached.

However it seems that the peace is going to be made up of a lot of individual pieces and in some cases not for some months. Yet urgency can be seen on the faces of all the major Alliance Leaders. They all want it over quickly for they are all looking towards the southern horizon where the Broken Lands has appeared and they all want a piece of it. The war may be ending but a new race has begun. 

 

              CRAFTING ALLIANCE CEASES TRADING.

By Plink Ploberman, Junior Reporter.

 Only a month after receiving its first delivery of crafted weapons the War Office was dismayed to hear that its chosen supplier Ancient Air, based in Ursor had closed its doors to new business. Horse Major Johhn Rekett of the Nefflik Heavy Brigade was shocked at the news “I nearly fell of my horse when I heard” he told me. “The equipment is first class but I understand only the mounted units have been supplied at the moment”

It is understood that another supplier is being sought urgently but local craft firms are now pressing for in house manufacturing to be considered. The mayor of Nofflink is reported to be preparing to address the Overseeing Committee at its next meeting in Nefflink and put forward the case for local craftsmen.

 

 

 OUR FEATURES SECTION.

 

Krocs Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha writes

 I often get asked what equipment is needed in a modest kitchen, so today I’ll give you my tips so that you will be able to prepare and cook tasty and healthy meals.

The basic tools I use are as follows.

Large Club, Large Knife. Large Saw, Large roasting Tub, Large Pot, Large Spoon (to stir things in pot) Large Table, Large Bucket for bones and fiddly bits and finally some large plates or bowls.       With these most meals can be prepared and served.

 You will also need a Large Cupboard to keep a stock of adds and spices in.

My cupboard normally contains jars of dried blood, wet blood, coriander, dried gristle, ground bones, salt, pepper, eyeballs, flour, crushed mice and elves ears.

 Lastly you will need a body of some sorts but that’s up to you!  Till next time folks.

 

 

Songs of Elgea.

Ardvic Grunderfutt writes

Like the whole of Elgea I was amazed at the news of a far away land and have asked our gallant reporter Paynin who, as I write, is on his way there to try and take notes of any songs the locals there sing. In time I hope to travel there myself! Oh Joy!Anyway, recent official news about the Broken Lands mentions the WindSeekers of the southern shore. These people live by and on the sea and love to swim in the quite bays of their homeland; Here is one of their songs traditionally sung as they swim together in harmony.

I’m forever blowing bubbles, frothy bubbles in the air

You swim on by, I try to catch your eye

 
But all you think of is that bloody other guy.

So we will all swim together, till the end of day.

Hang on, lets forget it, there’s a Killer whale in the bay!
 

 

 
 

CLASSIFIED SECTION:

 

Need a Superior Sword Quickly?                   Hides and Other Bits Needed

Ancient Air, Crafters of Repute.                      Granlik Gatherers pay well.

   If you want it we will do it!                             Send an IGM with offers.

Delete above ad. No longer trading.

Proof-reader.

 

   Nefflink and other town Tours.                    THIS SPACE IS FOR YOU

        See Granliks Castle.                                  Contact the Editor if you or

      Visit the I.F.T.Cowshed                              your organization want it!

 

 

 

NEWS IN BRIEF.

 

Snowstorms in Tallimar:    Livestock starve.

Heavy Rain in Tallimar:     Harvest delayed.

Floods in Tallimar:              Homes swept away.

Mudslide in Tallimar:         Reporter lost.



Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 20 Feb 2013 at 18:39
congrats to the editorial staff on another great issue.  I look forward to seeing an interview with Whitebeard soon(tm).


Posted By: Kumomoto
Date Posted: 20 Feb 2013 at 19:01
Great Issue!


Posted By: Detritus
Date Posted: 21 Feb 2013 at 01:18
Originally posted by Granlik Granlik wrote:

 In places battles still raged while at others spontaneous friendly football matches between opposing forces broke out, leading in one case to a Harmless? Field Marshal having a severe heart attack.


Congratulations to another well researched edition. Clap

Sages wants to say deepest condolences to the family of the Coalition Field Marshal Lord Q. (49) (name altered for military secrecy), fallen victim to a friendly match after surviving month of hard combat... Cry

...and I have to add proudly, that though we lost the war, we won the match 2:1 after penalty shootout...  LOL


Posted By: Spp/Dwarfdruid
Date Posted: 13 Mar 2013 at 16:16
LOVE THESES


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 06 May 2013 at 23:52
Granlik testing 


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 07 May 2013 at 10:36

In the Nefflink Consulate.   May 2013.

 

Chair:  “Order Order. Meeting will come to order.”

 

The members of the Overseeing Committee gradually sit down at the long table of committee room 2, situated on the second floor of the Consulate. The room extends almost half the length of the eastern side of the building and its six windows overlook a small square where a large group of horsemen and an even larger pack of dogs have assembled. This is Lord Granlik about to depart on a hunting expedition. He hopes to bag another elephant but elephants are quite rare in Tor Carrock until high summer and as its only early May he is expected to return in a foul mood.

 

Chair: “Come along gentlemen, Lots to do today. Item 1, Welcome to new members. On behalf of the committee I would like to welcome the new members. Welcome. Agreed?”

 

Nafflink: “Hold on, who are the new members? They could be anyone from anywhere. I think they should introduce themselves.”

 

Army: “Here here”

 

Nifflink: “He’s right, we should know who they are.”

 

Chair: “Very well. Can the new members please stand and introduce themselves?”

 

A number of people stand up in quick succession and announce themselves.

 

Crafters Guild: “I represent the new crafting operatives.”

Time and Motion Studies: from Lord Granliks Advisory committee

Traders Association: “ Resources trading with various Hubs”

Security Services: “from Lord Granliks Advisory committee”

 

Chief Mage: (aside to Army General) “Oh, that’s why he’s wearing a balaclava over his head”

 

Army General: “I recognise his voice, he’s one of the chairs grandsons”

 

Chair: “Quite please! Continue introducing yourselves please”

 

Sovereignty Territories: “citizens of outlaying estates”

N8fflink: “ May I introduce myself, I am the Mayor of the new town of N8fflink”

 

Diplomatic Corps: “Err, how do you pronounce that?”

 

N8fflink: “N8fflink”

 

Diplomatic Corps: “Could you repeat that please?

 

N8fflink: “N8fflink!”

 

Chair: “Pardon?”

 

N8fflink: “N8FFLINK….”

 

Chair: (after a short embarrassed silence) “Well thank you gentlemen and we can now move on to item 2.  Purchases of Craft items for the Army”

 

Army: Horse unit Commanders are now all equipped but Foot and Bow now need craft Items. We would prefer some urgency.

 

Nafflink: I speak for several members. Can I urge our local craft makers to supply the army rather then buying from one of those specialist alliance groups?  The last one went bust and also with this war going on we don’t want to be accused of taking sides,,,,

 

Diplomatic Corps: The war is over. (Mumbles to himself – where do they pick em?)

 

Nafflink:  Really?

 

Several Members:  Yes, it’s all over!

 

Chair:  Well, that seems to be agreed, Next item is a report from the Broken Lands Evaluation Sub Committee of the Forward Planning Working Party, which is a subsidiary body that has been set up by Lord Granliks Advisory Committee.

 

Chief Mage: Hold on, I can’t see it on the agenda.

 

Chair: No, it’s not on the agenda, it’s an additional item for members information.

 

Chief Mage: So it should be raised under any other business not shoved in before agenda items.

 

Chair: But it is important that members are informed of the position and the Chair of the Broken Lands Sub Committee has come along specially to report to us.

 

Chief Mage: So why can’t he tell us at the end of the meeting under any other business?

 

Nyfflink: Seems reasonable to me….

 

Markets:  Well I’d like to hear him now; most of this stuff is boring and is a waste of time.

 

More members begin to join in either for hearing the report at once or having it at the end of the meeting under any other business, The Chair tries to keep control but it is left to the Army General to bring order by banging his sword hilt on the table.

 

Army General; Members! I understand the chair of the Sub Committee has another meeting to go to so we really only have a short time to receive his report. Please respect the Chair!

 

Chair: Thank you General. I was going to say that Count Shmuck-Poncelby has another engagement and therefore had asked me to take his report early in the meeting. Please welcome Count Shmuck-Poncelby.

 

Count Shmuck-Poncelby:  Thank you members. I have been asked by Lord Granlik to give you a brief outline of the current situation regarding the Broken Lands and how it will affect us here in the Union. We are monitoring how other towns are preparing to invest in the Broken Lands and also what steps various Alliances are taking to develop their influence there once a safe and secure method has been found to transport colonists and establish settlements there. It is apparent that a number of differing strategies will be used by different alliances to expand from the initial sites.

Our Union is of course independent and therefore great care must be exercised before our own settlement is begun. Therefore I am pleased to inform you that we are up to speed in this area. Also we expect to soon receive details of certain areas in the Broken Lands where local conditions are favourable to settle without opposition from the local factions and population. Lastly Lord Granlik has asked me to assure you all that the small increase in Union Expansion Tax – to be formally announced next week – will allow the Union to be in the forefront of development in Broken Lands. Thank you for your time, I can see several hands in the air but I am unable to take questions at this time and I really must be going now.

 

Shmuck-Poncelby rapidly nods to the Chair, grabs his notes and hurries from the room leaving the members in stunned silence

 

Markets: Huh…  no questions and more taxes.

 

Nufflink: Why do I come here?

 

Chair: I understand the increase is only 2% and the Union Expansion Tax is quite small anyway.  Gentlemen, we must proceed!

 

And proceed they do. The meeting is long and tedious but finally they reach the last item.

 

Chair:  Item fifteen. Any Other Business. I have not been notified of any other matter by any member so I think that is the end of the meeting.

 

Brewery and Tavern Association:  Hold On! I passed a note up to you while that Count chap was talking. It’s a very important matter.

 

Chair: I have no note.

 

Chief Mage: He passed it up and I put it in front of you.

 

Chair: I have no note!

 

Chief Mage: Well, Count Shmuckly must have picked it up when he left. It was there between him and you.

 

Chair: Well I can’t be blamed for that. I don’t have it so we can’t discuss it.

 

Chief Mage: I think we should hear what he has to say as he did pass a note up to you.

 

Chair: Sorry, I have made my decision. I don’t have a note so the meeting is closed.

 

Brewery and Tavern Association: We must discuss it! They are taking measurements of all the Taverns! There are rumours they are going to knock all the taverns down, as they don’t produce anything! They want the space for newfangled craft buildings and other secret types that haven’t been announced yet. It’s a conspiracy!

 

Nafflink:  Hah!  They were in my town last week looking at my Tavern. What’s going on?

 

Nofflink:  And mine….. I’m not standing for this!

 

The whole committee is now on its feet and the room is in uproar. The Chair decides he cannot handle the situation and so again declares the meeting is closed. In fact he shouts it but no one hears him and he makes for the door. The two guards outside press themselves against the wall as the members spill out into the corridor.

Later that day Lord Granlik returns from his Hunt. He is in a foul mood as no elephants were sighted. Shortly after his return the events at the Overseeing Committee are reported to him. He becomes incandescent with rage as he had hoped the tavern replacement program would not be noticed and no one goes near him for the rest of the evening.



Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 07 May 2013 at 19:34
Taverns have been shutting down across Elgea ... I blame the temperance movement!


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 22 Jun 2013 at 14:20

Midnight in the Cowshed. (Late June)

 

It is midnight in Nafflink and to all appearances the cowshed is dark and silent and just full of sleepy cows. However, at the rear of the building where the Illyriad Free Times is produced a keen ear can just about catch muffled conversation. Within the main office a hurried meeting is underway.

 

 

Editor:  No one must know of this meeting. Are you sure no one saw you coming here?….

 

Murdoch:  Yes. I came round the back along Drovers Alley to make certain.

 

Chedder:  I used to be a scout so I know how to move around without being seen. What’s that smell?

 

Murdoch: What do you think it is? I got here by Drovers Alley in the dark and 100 bloody cows were drove up it 6 hours ago…

 

Editor: Ok, Murdoch, sit over there please. Now have you both read the report right through and brought your copy with you?

 

Chedder: Yes, here it is. I read it three times He’s done a good job

 

Murdoch: I’m afraid my copy is a bit muddy as I dropped it in the alley. I’ll put it on the desk.

 

Editor: NO! Don’t put that on my desk. It stinks like hell; it will have to be got rid of somehow.

 

Voice from back office:  Put it in the bin sir and we will burn it in the morning

 

Editor:  Gods on Fire!!!  Why are you here?  You should be at home!!!!

 

Chedder:  They don’t have a home sir, they live here in the building with the cows.

 

Editor: I don’t believe this…

 

Murdoch: They are also the night security staff sir.

 

Editor: Oh well we had best get on. Now. Paynin’s back from the Broken Lands. You have both read his report so I need to come to a decision about if we run with his story about the journey and what he found there. Lord Granlik doesn’t know Paynin sent a copy to me. He has him in the Castle while he makes up his mind about what to do. Granlik paid for Whitebeard the Pirates ship to be refitted out to go there and I know he had other people of his on the ship apart from Paynin. He may stop us printing the Times if he knows we have Paynins story so I want your opinions as to if we run it in the coming edition.

 

Murdoch: We have enough stuff to do No. 8 without the Broken Land copy and Lord Granlik may stop our grant if he sees us print the report.

 

Chedder:  But everyone is expecting us to print a report if we have one. That’s what we said in the last edition. But Granlik will be furious and could throw us all in jail.

 

Editor; Yes. We will lose face if we don’t print a report if we have one and the Herald will have a field day once the truth comes out. And don’t forget the Herald will carry the official announcement when the BL can be settled. But our readers are waiting for news of the BL…  Oh dear…

 

Murdoch: It’s your decision sir but I don’t think we should risk it.

 

Chedder: He could close the Times sir, he has a very nasty temper when crossed sir.

 

Voices from the back office:  Whatever you decide sir. We will always be here.

 

The Editor sits back in his chair and closes his eyes. He ponders to print or not to print and the possible consequences. The others wait. Suddenly the entrance door opens and a figure steps through into the light.

 

Plink:  Oh, hallo everyone. Why are you all here at this time of night?

 

Editor:  Oh spiders Nob!!!  I don’t believe this!!!  How come you are in town this late?

 

Plink:  I was taking my girlfriend home and saw Mr Chedder creeping through the town so once she was indoors I decided to come here to see if he was working late and needed some help.

 

Murdoch: Mr Chedder used to creep around a lot in his youth.

 

Chedder: Mr Murdoch smells Plink.  Keep away from him.

 

Editor; Stop it you two… Take a seat Plink and answer a question. How’s your uncle Granlik lately?  In a good mood?  Any problems?  Anything I should know about?

 

Plink: I saw him yesterday. He was very pleased about the ship returning from the new lands but he was a bit worried about how all the other lords and the big alliances are going to react when they find out. I think he is going to let King Siguard know and also give him some information so that the King will stop anyone being nasty to him

 

Murdoch: Oh…

 

Chedder:  Ahhh…

 

Editor: Thank you Plink, I feel a bit better now.

 

Plink: Uncle is going to send for you tomorrow, something about official secrets and he knows what you’ve got…

 

Editor:  WHAT???

 

Plink: He will send for both Mr Murdoch and Chedder as well.

 

Chedder: I had a bad feeling about today…

 

Plink: Yes, uncle also wanted to know the names of all the printing staff and where they lived but I told him I didn’t know. He said never mind, there’s no hurry.

 

Editor: This is all a bad dream… 

 

Murdoch: No, it’s a nightmare…

 

Voice from the back office: Column of armed men just pulled up outside Sir….

 

There is a hammering on the door and a shout to Open in the Name of Lord Granlik 



Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 16 Dec 2013 at 17:38

A discussion in Lord Granliks Withdrawing Room.


Count Muffty: And so My Lord I must conclude my report. It may be that what I've said is somewhat unpalatable to you and I'm aware that my predecessor never went into that much detail but I feel that the truth is always better then a vague outline. Lastly could I once more suggest that you consider the current position of the editor of the Ilyriad Free Times.


Lord Granlik: I must admit Muffty, there is a lot of truth in what you say.


Count Muffty: Well, he's been there for almost six months and since you relaxed the visiting restrictions some days there is a queue of people to see him. And of course since Murdoch and Chedder were released they have been running the Times office as normal and come and see him twice a week.


Granlik: I know that. It's what you say about my reputation throughout the land that worries me. I had to grab those idiots before they published the details on how anyone could get to the Broken Lands before the King agreed to permit official colonies to be established. Almost everyone was pleased when I did it but now you say I am being spoken about as a vindictive, paranoid and vengeful person. But I'm not! Everyone likes me don't they Muffty?


Muffty: Err, yes we do my Lord but some other Lords are still annoyed that we managed to gather information about the Broken Lands before they did and of course our agreement with the pirate Whitebeard still gives us an advantage they don't have. I believe the King still has great respect for you but these rumours could do you great damage,


Plink: Yes Uncle, I was at the Noble Young Bloods Association meeting last week and I had to punch several noses when I heard some small talk about your warped sense of justice.


Granlik: Pah. The problem is that the editor is a stupid but totally honest and incorruptible idiot. I have been down to see him several times to explain why I had to imprison him but he still refuses to accept that I did the correct thing. I realy like the man but am worried that if I let him out he will rush straight to his bloody newspaper and cause me trouble.


Muffty: But will he cause you trouble my Lord? Six months has passed and soon the Kings recent decision will be known to all. I have it on good authority that The Herald is ready to publish the official announcement within weeks. Six months ago a Times publication could have caused riots and mayhem but I don't believe it could do so now. In fact it could raise you reputation amongst the common people and many minor Lords and Alliances.


Plink: People are fed up with all the fighting going on Uncle, new news about the Broken Lands will cheer everyone up.


Muffty: Whitebeard is expected back from the third crossing to Broken Lands sometime soon also. Perhaps the editor could be persuaded that any new edition of the Times would benefit from printing extracts from official reports on conditions on the Broken Lands?


Granlik: Well Muffty, I thank you for your advice on current thinking in the Royal Court, I'm pleased I appointed you, I always had doubts about Bushjunior, apart from always saying Siguard keep a good table he was always on about the advantages of joining this alliance or that one. I shall strongly consider what you have said.


Plink: I'm sorry I just walked in Uncle but I didn't know you had company. I am very pleased to meet you Count Muffty, I would like to visit the Royal Court sometime. The Noble Young Bloods are always gossiping about the Royal Court especially the girls.


Muffty: Ohh.. I thought you were one of Lord Granliks special advisers when you came in.


Granlik; No, he's not a special advisor. He's my favourite nephew who just has a way of barging in on private meetings. He's always doing it and everyone has just got used to it now. I keep telling him to knock before going into a room but he never does.


Plink: So you will think about letting the editor out now Uncle? I do hope so as I really liked being one of his special reporters. I see Murdoch and Chedder once a week down at the works and they would really be pleased if the editor could come back.


Granlik: Ohh by the Hairy God of the Woods. Out! Out! Both of you. Goodnight Count Muffty, thank you for coming and I'll see you at breakfast Plink.




Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 16 Dec 2013 at 21:10
Inquiring minds want to know!


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 24 Dec 2013 at 12:32

In the Cowshed (Christmas Eve)


As the snow gently drifts down onto the cowshed a figure can be seen hurrying towards the side door above which a large sign proclaims The Illyriad Free Times.

The figure is hunched against the cold air and as it reaches the door it stamps it's feet before pushing at the door which swings open. A hundred yards behind him the two men who have been following both stop, nod to each other and one of them makes a note in a book he is carrying. The figure disappears into the cowshed.


Editor: Ahh.. At least its warm in here, How come the fire is..... Ohhh!

He stops as he becomes aware that the room is full of people. A barrage of noise erupts.


Assembled staff: For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!


Murdoch: Welcome back sir! It's been too long and we're all so happy that you are out now.


Chedder: The news of your release has spread everywhere and hundreds of people have called to say how pleased they are. I've heard that even staff on the Herald are pleased.


Plink: Yes, even uncle Granlik was really unhappy about having to keep you locked up for so long and he's sent someone to help the paper check that what we print is correct!


Editor: That will be Special Advisor Ceeia, I know, we have already met. Is he here?


Ceeia: Good afternoon editor.


Editor: Well thank you all, this is most unexpected and I'm really touched. I must sit down however as I've been up since 5 am this morning.


The editor moves to his desk and sits down. Murdoch, his assistant stands by his right hand side and Chedder, chief of staff takes up his position on the left. He looks round the room. He can see the reporters Yalli, Plink and Paynin, several print staff, the legal advisor Evinska , the columnists Krok Bosha and Ardvic, Granliks special advisor Ceeia, who seemed to be taking a great interest in the legal advisor Evinska (the editor makes a mental note of this) the watchman, who really should be outside and a small copy boy who is eating a cheese sandwich. He can also see the door to the back office is ajar.


Editor: Office!


Voice from back office: Sir? Welcome back sir!


Editor: Just checking you are there.


Voice from back office: Always here sir!


Editor: Ok then, lets get started. Paynin, I want you to update your report on the Broken Lands and Ceeia has some stuff that you are unaware of so the two of you fit it in. Yalli will deal with this current war or group of wars or ethnic cleansing or whatever it is that is going on at the moment. Plink, Yalli will tell you where to go or what to cover. Kroc and Ardvic you must have something written already. Chedder, we may need another reporter and I want to see all the letters to the editor sent in during the last six months. I want a draft copy of the next edition on the table within a week. People, Listen up! please note, you may well be followed by somebody from now on but just ignore them. Office! I need a drink.


Voice from back office: On its way Sir!


Ceeia: What do you mean, we may be followed?


Editor: I was followed from my house to here and have been since I was released yesterday.


Murdoch: That's funny, I think I was followed here as well.


Ceeia: Well I know nothing about that, I'd better look into this.


Chedder: That doesn't sound good if you don't know about it.


Plink: Shall I ask Uncle?


Editor: No you will not ask Uncle! Uncle is not to know that we know that this paper is under observation. If Uncle does know that it is happening let him think that we don't know. If he doesn't know and we tell him that we know all hell will break out until he knows who they are.


Several voices: Agreed!


Chedder: What if the Herald comes out before we do?


Editor: I can't see that happening but if it does I'll do an editorial explaining why the official mouthpiece of the establishment had been forced to disclose the Broken Lands situation prematurely and why a free and unfettered press is essential to a civilised society.


Murdoch: I do like your style sir.


Editor: Yes, so do I. Now lets get going people, we have a job to do.




Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 24 Dec 2013 at 19:05
It is good to see the staff of the Free Times is once again back on the job.  Give that man a cheese sandwich!


Posted By: Diva
Date Posted: 25 Dec 2013 at 04:19
Thumbs Up  I LOVE THIS STUFF GRANLIK~!

-------------
"Um diva.... you are sort of acting like a .... diva...." - PhoenixFire


Posted By: Granlik
Date Posted: 09 Jun 2014 at 21:56

Statement from Lord Granlik, Chosen Lord of Lands within Tor Carrock.


It is with deep regret that I must inform you that it has now been confirmed that the editor of the Illyriad Free Times, along with a number of his staff, travelling on the ship The Floating Keg, under the command of Whitebeard the Pirate were shipwrecked on the pamanyallpa reefs last year and are believed drowned.

Production of the Free Times was expected last summer but the editor decided to visit the Broken Lands himself so that he, as I was informed by my young nephew Plink “produce an editorial that does justice to the eternal drive of those who seek out news and knowledge so that others are truthfully informed of that which they previously did not know”

I was unaware of his departure until he was gone as Plink had been sent to investigate a report of a number of four legged chickens on a local farm, which turned out to be false. Plink had pleaded with the editor to be included in the party. I thank the Gods that my nephew is somewhat luck prone.

Unfortunately I never knew the editor's name even though he spent some time as a guest of mine in Nefflink castle. In fact it appears that no one else knew his name as he was always addressed as “Sir” or “Boss” or “Mr Editor” by everyone apart from me. I just addressed him as “You”.

He will be sadly missed along with his organ which was admired throughout the whole of Eagea.

The news of the disaster was reported by the only survivor, the cabin boy Moggly who had been sent aloft to watch out for the reef, which unfortunately he mistook for seaweed. Thus he was thrown over the reef as the ship struck and was captured by natives. After unmentionable sufferings he finally managed to reach a port and saw an Imperial trade ship. He has since vanished and a number of valuable items belonging to the captain of the ship are also missing. 

I also have to announce that the Nefflink cowshed has now fully returned to its original use and the press dismantled. Those old readers of the Times who still tend to congregate outside the premises are strongly advised to stop doing so.

GRANLIK.




Posted By: Rill
Date Posted: 10 Jun 2014 at 02:49
This is terrible news! Say it isn't so!

Are we to be left to the capricious publication schedule of the Herald?  I for one trusted the Times far more than anything in that house organ of King Sigurd!

Is there not anything that we, your loyal readers, can do to persuade you to resume publication?



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