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(EOM) Harry 
Forum Warrior
Joined: 06 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 283
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 Topic: Poetry/Prose/Proverbs
Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 22:37 |
Iv'e been wanting to try some writing for a while and see if its up to scratch, i've always loved to write but now im want to take it a little more seriously, i hope you guys can have a look at the things i put on here and give me any review, all are welcome (Except hate mail, i dont want to cry) However if you guys really do hate it i wont post and we can forget this ever happened. Thankyou in advance for your time reading, analysing and reviewing my writing ( note: most pieces are in is infancy and have still not reached anywhere near final draft.)
Thanks,
(EOM) Harry
The tiresome lover
The breath of my love rests on my neck.
I can remember the way it felt, to be ripped apart by a sentence or two
To have the soul, dismantled, dissected and displayed, like a necklace made of trinkets and copper.
The whimsical way you took my words and turned them
Into a rainbow of pain and suffering
Each colour of doubt you had in me
Has never been proven
But still rests on your lips
Ready to use
To manipulate
To kill
My unsuspecting dreams of a happy life
I realise now
I am wrong
We can never be,
When you are here,
In our love.
Only as a procaution because TD said it was a good idea but
(C) Copyright. All rights are reserved by the author (Harry Bush), please contact me if you wish to use them as all my work is backlogged on computers with date stanps, Thankyou :)
Edited by (EOM) Harry - 04 Mar 2011 at 23:23
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Tordenkaffen
Postmaster
Joined: 16 Oct 2010
Location: Denmark
Status: Offline
Points: 821
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 22:52 |
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Very elegantly written Harry - its difficult writing introvert emotional poetry and still convey a successful message but I actually think you pull it off pretty well. Also I like that the poem is brief - if it was very long, the "state of mind" would have been clouded in descriptive words.
Now as I told you Im no expert on poetry by any standard, but one "objection" I do have with this particular poem.
-"Into a rainbow of pain and suffering"
- The part about pain and suffering seems a bit over-used - the image has a flatness to it being a bit too "classic". I think a good analogy or image would cover your meaning a little better.
Also on a very subjective, and rather unclear note - the ending puzzles me, I am unsure what it is you want me to take away from this poem. It seems to me a little indecisive - meh difficult to explain really, maybe I just instictively have a prejudicial reaction when the poem ends with "love".
Other than that, you have a nack for expressing yourself through writing, I recommend you pursue this. Good job!
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(EOM) Harry
Forum Warrior
Joined: 06 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 283
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 22:57 |
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Thankyou muchly, i may change that, i couldnt think of anything else at the time, it is rather cliche but untill i can use emotional language to satisfy the imagery il leave it at that :) thankyou ever so much :)
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The_Dude
Postmaster General
Joined: 06 Apr 2010
Location: Texas
Status: Offline
Points: 2396
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:17 |
EOM - You should clearly mark all of your original works with a Copyright and note your reserve all rights.
Consider making this part of your forum signature if you intend to post many of these.
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(EOM) Harry
Forum Warrior
Joined: 06 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 283
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:18 |
 The_Dude wrote:
EOM - You should clearly mark all of your original works with a Copyright and note your reserve all rights.
Consider making this part of your forum signature if you intend to post many of these. |
I doubt its any good anyway TD, and if i were too, how would i do it?
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The_Dude
Postmaster General
Joined: 06 Apr 2010
Location: Texas
Status: Offline
Points: 2396
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:21 |
Also, EOM, you need to check the Forum T+C which might lay a superior copyright claim to all postings herein.
(c) is recognized in the USA. "All rights reserved by author." helps. The absence of your legal name presents another problem, tho.
Frankly, from a legal perspective, this is a bad idea for this forum. :(
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(EOM) Harry
Forum Warrior
Joined: 06 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 283
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:26 |
The_Dude wrote:
Also, EOM, you need to check the Forum T+C which might lay a superior copyright claim to all postings herein.
(c) is recognized in the USA. "All rights reserved by author." helps. The absence of your legal name presents another problem, tho.
Frankly, from a legal perspective, this is a bad idea for this forum. :( |
Ive updated my original post, would that make it any better?
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The_Dude
Postmaster General
Joined: 06 Apr 2010
Location: Texas
Status: Offline
Points: 2396
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:33 |
Much better, EOM. No need to bold the copyright stuff, tho. Another thought entered my head...This being a public forum, you are effectively publishing your material here. If you wish for this or any other works to be published by another publisher, you are jeopardizing that process by publishing here ... most publishers are only interested in being the original publisher unless they acquire rights to established works.
I strongly advise that you consider requesting comments via mail only to avoid the publication issues. But you should ALWAYS mark your original works with the copyright claims. This is the first, easiest method for laying claim to your intellectual property.
EOM, I strongly recommend that you consult with an intellectual property attorney. At a minimum, attend a writer's conference that offers a seminar on this topic.
Disclaimer: No attorney/client relationship has been established between myself and EOM.
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(EOM) Harry
Forum Warrior
Joined: 06 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 283
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:39 |
The_Dude wrote:
Much better, EOM. No need to bold the copyright stuff, tho. Another thought entered my head...This being a public forum, you are effectively publishing your material here. If you wish for this or any other works to be published by another publisher, you are jeopardizing that process by publishing here ... most publishers are only interested in being the original publisher unless they acquire rights to established works.
I strongly advise that you consider requesting comments via mail only to avoid the publication issues. But you should ALWAYS mark your original works with the copyright claims. This is the first, easiest method for laying claim to your intellectual property.
EOM, I strongly recommend that you consult with an intellectual property attorney. At a minimum, attend a writer's conference that offers a seminar on this topic.
Disclaimer: No attorney/client relationship has been established between myself and EOM. |
Alright TD but im just a kid, its a pretty crappy piece of work and its just a hobby off mine, ppkus my main work is much different and better so i think il only be posting ideas and scrappings in poem form on here :)
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Tordenkaffen
Postmaster
Joined: 16 Oct 2010
Location: Denmark
Status: Offline
Points: 821
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Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:43 |
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Not to be a wiseguy, but is all this really necessary? Harry isnt a professional writer quite yet and just asks for feedback, and while I admit there being legal issues with posting publicly, I just find it very unlikely that anyone would lay claim to the initial "test-balloons" that Harry send up. I mean, a book of poetry takes years of work, with many stages of refinement etc. Harry is pretty open with this being his first stabs at it, so I dont see the vast potential for profiting on his work, not yet at least (no offense to Harry of course).
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Poetry/Prose/Proverbs