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The Illyarid Free Times.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hora Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jun 2012 at 00:12
/me tries to hide his half brick behind his back... Confused

Really great metaphor, Granlik, and fun to read, too Clap

But now I'll have to stop, as that meat stuff for dwarfs is boiling over (again...) Tongue
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Diomedes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jun 2012 at 07:05
Keep up the good work, Granlik - I can't wait for the next edition..... it's such a good read Clap
"Walk in the way of the good, for the righteous will dwell in the land"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote The Alchemist Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jun 2012 at 11:06
Woot!
Great read! Would be even better if it had a sports section...Tongue
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Drydenn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jun 2012 at 17:04
Just want to throw my 2 pennies into the fountain here, this is awesome, keep up the good work, it is much appreciated!! Thumbs Up
- Drydenn, Diplomat for the Free Trade Guild & Trade Assembly member of the Illyriad Trade Union
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DeMeisz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jun 2012 at 16:39
Great work!! I hope there will be lots of future issues =)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2012 at 22:37

In the Cowshed.

 

It is late afternoon and a Pageboy hurries towards the side door of the Cowshed in the town of Nafflink. Above door hangs a sign, The Illyriad Free Times. The Page enters and finds the Editor reading some letters

 Page:  “Sir, I’ve just come from Nafflink, Lord Granlik wants to know what you are doing about the war?”

 Editor: “War? What war? Lord Granlik? What? Where? Who told him?”

 Page:  “It was in the latest Herald update sheet. It came yesterday and he wants to know what you are doing about it.”

 Editor: “Yesterday? sh*t, where’s our copy? “ (Mumbles to himself, Murdoch had it and should have told me.) “  Murdoch! Where’s Murdoch?”

 (Voice from the back office) “ He’s gone to Nofflink for some red ink sir”

 Editor:  “Heaven help me, where is it, where’s he put it?”

 Page:  “Lord Granlik sent his copy for you sir, here it is.”

 Editor: “Hah! Now let me see… Pah, typical Herald, no details just the bare facts.  TLR and TRO, who are they? Jeeze, this is a declared War notification and all they do is print it, they call themselves a newspaper? Rubbish! Their readers deserve more then this, they should put….”

 Page: “Err, what do I tell Lord Granlik, sir?”

 Editor: “Granlik? Ahhh, tell him were on it! Reporter on his way already! Murdoch! Get in here Murdoch”

 (Voice from the back office) “ He’s gone to Nofflink for some red ink sir”

 Editor: “Holy mush, Cheddar! Get in here Cheddar,  Cheddar, right there you are, now I want the alliance lists, the large map, the new town lists, clear this table, where is Yalli, the senior reporter? I want a Messenger standing by to ride to Yalli wherever he is so that he can switch and cover this war once we know where it is. I want…”

(Voice from the back office) “Yalli is in Perrigor looking for female assassins, sir”

 Page: “Sir, Lord Granlik is worried about the number of Messengers you have used recently. He mentioned the cost”

 Editor: “Cost? Can you price news? Think of the service we do! We are a newspaper and need to respond to events. Lord Granlik is aware of …”

 Page: “He told me to specifically mention the cost of Messengers, sir. He is also worried about running out of horses.”

 Editor: “Pah, Ok, I’ll talk to him about it. Cheddar! Send for Murdoch, I want him back here, ink or no ink and while I’ve got you here how is the layout of the next edition coming on?”

 Cheddar: “Print date is fixed for August, the food section is ready and the new letter column is just waiting for you to pick the star letter. Payzin is still down on the coast; he says he has a whopper of a story on the go. He has sent in more expenses. Lord Granlik is said to be worried about the increased cost of the last edition.”

 Page: “Ahh, I knew he told me to mention something else”

 Editor: “I think its about time you got back to him, Tell him everything is under control and we are so grateful for his patronage and interest in the Times, Now get out!”

 Cheddar: “Sir, I’ve just had a quick look at the map. It seems TLR is mainly based up north in Urdor and Wolgast while TRO is down south in Lan Larosh. I think we may need two reporters if we are going to cover this war properly. Perhaps we can try out young Plink on a big story?”

 Editor: “Plink? That boy is an idiot; he’s got no sense of direction. He was in Nufflink last month and had to go to Nefflink to check on a shop fire but ended up in Nifflink, where is he now?”

 Cheddar: “Nofflink, I think”

 Editor: “No, we can’t risk it. I don’t trust the lad which is why I keep him where I can see him”

 Cheddar: “Lord Granlik did ask after him when he was last here and wanted to know how he was getting on. You do remember Plink is his nephew? You do remember you agreed to hire him and said you thought he was ideal for the job and would go far?”

 Page: “Ahh, I remember now, Lord Granlik said he hoped his nephew was gaining experience and was proving invaluable to your organization? He wants an update”

 Editor:” Bloody goats brains! Haven’t you gone yet? Yes, all right, send Plink to one of them but tell him just to take notes and always ask for detailed directions. You! Get out of this office now and back to Granlik. Right, let me see the map……. Wow, how on earth did they find each other to get into an argument? They are at different ends of the earth. What are the numbers? Whoo, this could be a big one…. Crap and biscuits, they could even tramp through here on the way to each other. Granlik must be told, Pageboy! Where’s that boy? Dam, he’s gone now.”

 Cheddar: “I’ll get on to everything at once sir. I’ll get Plink back here ASAP so that you can tell him of his assignment. There are some more letters from readers for you to read, I’ll leave them on the desk. Also someone wants to put an advert in the paper and wants to know how much it will cost, I’ll leave that as well for you to look at. Do you want me to do anything else sir?

 Editor: “No, now please get out, I’ve got to look at the Messenger bills, Granlik mustn’t find out why they’re so large”


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote gangas Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2012 at 00:51
wonderful work 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Avion Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jul 2012 at 00:28
Very fun to read.  I hope your reporters give can give us updates on this war.  Maybe an editorial also (tempest in a teapot or the real deal???). Clap
Suppose they gave a war and nobody came?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Diomedes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jul 2012 at 06:14
Absolutely delightful, Granlik.... and so much more interesting than those tabloid and broadsheet papers that are available in that other realm so often referred to as RL. Thumbs Up
"Walk in the way of the good, for the righteous will dwell in the land"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jul 2012 at 14:19

                            The Illyriad Free Times.                        Issue 4

 Published in Tor Carrock                                                                                           Summer 2012                                                                                                                       

               An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 Welcome again dear readers!  We here in the Nafflink Cowshed have been gratified by the many kind letters and posts from so many of you. It seems the Times with its unbiased approach and fearless disclosure of events not covered by other publications has struck a chord with the ordinary citizen Once more we have expanded our coverage and also bring another new section.

 

Southern Sea Shoreline Sovereignty Scandal.

Once more the Free Times is first to bring to your attention the latest example of how those in power use it to just benefit themselves! Paynin Zeass our southern reporter discloses how the new law is changing our seashore forever.

This is Paynin reporting from the beautiful south. Down here the coastline is being destroyed in a mad, crazy and disorganised race to develop and alter it for purely commercial and military uses.

 Since the passing of the Shoreline Sovereignty Act almost all major cities, towns and alliances that are within reach of the southern coastline have begun to claim legal sovereignty rights and have embarked on a massive building program of fisheries.

Whole sections of the coastline from Kumala to Larn are now off limits to ordinary citizens who just wish to take their families out for a day to the seaside. I spoke to a party of day-trippers from a well-known tavern that recently travelled to the coast. Their organizer, Jaska Snipko explained what happened.

“There we were, just sitting on the beach in the sun having some light refreshments when this column of infantry came splashing along the beach. The officer in charge began to shout Off! Off! Clear this area! No unofficial persons allowed within three miles of the sea, Off! Off! And we all had to move away. They also confiscated the light refreshments, it’s a bloody disgrace and someone should do something about it”

 But it is not only the limited legal constructions being built, Oh no! Attempts are being made by some unscrupulous town owners to attempt to build storehouses, taverns, barracks and even mage towers behind hastily constructed barriers and fishing net lines. I have also heard that some rash attempts at mining have even been tried. In my travels 1 have seen scores of covered vans heading towards the sea but whenever I try to ask questions I have been rudely turned away. However I shall endeavour to find the truth. My expenses are mounting rapidly. Please send more remuneration.

 

                       Insult War Rumbles On.

The long-range conflict between The Long Road (Ursor and Wolgast) and The Red Order (Lan Laroth) continues while the diplomatic correspondence between the two alliances blows hot and cold.

 Seasoned diplomats are confused at the reasons for it ever starting and military experts are at a loss to explain how lasting damage could be done to either side considering the distance between them. The Leaders of both combatants are held in the highest esteem throughout the whole of the continent, which in fact means that neither can expect any assistance from anyone else.  It could end today, tomorrow or continue till next year, who knows?

 The Times, at great expense, has sent key reporters to both areas of conflict.

From the North Yalli reports several TRO towns have been sieged and a few even destroyed although innocent civilians were allowed to exit before Long Road troops began to level the walls.

 Down south our newest reporter Plink Ploberman unfortunately got lost several times but reports that large concentrations of Red Order forces seem to be everywhere and the general population there are fully behind their Leaders. As there are no towns affiliated to the Long Road in Lan Laroth he has not seen any damage anywhere but he lives in hope and continues to search.

 

Cookery Corner.

Kroc Bosha here again with something for the ladies! This will get your man running your way and there will be no stopping him when he wants to thank you for a full stomach.

 Mushroom and Hairy Pongo Horn soup.

Take 6 large purple spotted mushrooms and one Viagra Hen egg and mash them together, add a cup of strong ale and whisk. Put to one side.

Obtain 10 oz of crushed Hairy Pong Horn (you may have some difficulty in getting this as it is banned in most regions – don’t ask why)

Mix the crushed horn with 6 oz of sugar and then heat the mash till it is nice and warm. Add the mix, season to taste and serve at once.

 Commence small talk until the soup takes effect (this varies with age and target type. unfortunately men and elves sometimes just fall over)

I’ll be back soon with more mouth watering recipes from around the continent.

 

The Free Times is proud to once again provide a first in Elgea publications for you, our loyal readers. .  We have the greatest pleasure in presenting to you Ardvik Grunderfutt whose latest book won the Golden Luvvy Cup. Here he is.

 Songs Of Elgea

Hallo my darlings! The many diverse races of Elgea between them span a vast range of customs, lifestyles and physical appearances. To a visitor from another world it would seem that there could be nothing that binds this multitude together.

But wait. Some things are universal. A common theme that binds them all. What, I hear you say, what is this all-embracing mystery?  And I answer SONG!  Yes, song is the answer, the common denominator of a continent.

Here is a War-chant from the southern Kumarla forest. The forest is particularly thick in this region and individuals, let along large formations have great difficulty in maintaining contact and any form of order, so that the chant, apart from raising morale also has a more practical side to it.

 

                                   “Allo?    Allo?    Allo-Allo-Allo?”

                           “I’mere!   I’mere!  I’mere-I’mere-I’mere!”

                                   â€œAllo?    Allo?    Allo-Allo-Allo?”

                                “I’mere!   I’mere!  I’mover-over-ere!”

 

                                   “Allo!    Allo!    Allo-Allo-Allo!”

                        “Yournear! Yournear! Your-really-really-near!”

                                   â€œAllo!    Allo!    Allo-Allo-Allo!”

                        “Yournear! Yournear! I think your almost here!”

Well that is all I’m able to bring you for my first column but I shall return next time with some more songs from all over our fair land.      Ardvik.

 

Other News:

Heart of Corruption:  Much bigger then last time.

Flying Round Things: More sightings in Norweld.

Escaped Tiger:  Be very careful.

Troggs; Movement on borders.

 

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