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Granlik View Drop Down
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    Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 15:13

                             The Illyriad Free Times 

   An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 

The Free Times began as a small publication to bring news to the cities of the LWO alliance during the war with BSH.  However copies soon began to circulate far more widely and the editor began to plan a larger print for the second edition.

Then he was expelled from the LWO along with the majority of members. He appealed against this and was re-admitted. The LWO had shrunk to a membership of four by then and the small group of towns in which he lived became the target for a sustained diplomatic attack by BSH and soon began to run out of resources.

A decision had to be made and thus the editor left the LWO and became a free agent once more.

Unfortunately BSH diplomatic plundering attacks continued and the resources to enable the paper to be published became at risk from the large numbers of orc thieves as they easily overcame the tiny rune defences.

The only option was to move the press from the Consulate into the Cowshed, which as most Elgea citizens know is safe from roving burglars, as livestock cannot be carried away.

And so the Free Times has survived in the Nefflik Cowshed and is now ready to continue providing fresh and informative news from time to time.

It is hoped that the punitive actions by BSH will soon cease as they realise that Nefflik and its two smaller companions are no threat whatsoever.

 

                                 -----------------------------------------------

 

In case you, the reade, have not yet had a chance to see the first two editions of the  lyriad Free Times, they are reproduced below.

Edition No. 3 is now being planned and we are pleased to announce that several new features will be included.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 15:15

The Illyriad Free Times.

 

From our War correspondent.

 

News just in from Tor Carrock is that the siege of Might de Ville is coming to an end. Orc forces are in the process of withdrawing from the city and the many supporting armies sent by the LWO are beginning to leave. However it is reported that at least one of them is unhappy with their recall orders.

 

The Army of the Dog it appears wants to stay put. The men of Nafflik, it seems, like their current surroundings and don’t want to go home to the forested heartland of Tor. Nicknamed “the Waggers” they like the cool fresh air of the mountain city and its comforts.

 

“It’s really nice here,” said senior swordsman Halk Dofflemik, “the food is great, we were really welcomed and made to feel at home and as for the views the only word is magnificent!”

 

Asvon Folkig, who is a Longbowman, agreed, “ The whole place makes you realise what you are missing in a small town, I hope this war carries on and we can see more of the world. When you see what other troops are equipped with it makes you weep. And as for the uniforms other armies are issued with. Yesterday we saw columns of Elves from the south arriving and every one of them looked like a General, all I have is a brown sackcloth robe,”

 

The small army is camped in one of the many public parks that the city boasts of and is also near the Senior Girls campus, which is causing some local problems. The Waggers however do not see this as a problem. “The girls are very friendly and wave to us, very nice, yup, very very nice” said a Pikeman who didn’t want to be named.

 

The local dwarf residents are not all that pleased with their allies either “Scruffy buggers they are” said a housewife. “They are always drunk, have turned that nice park into a tip and as for the smell!  I hope they will be gone soon.”

 

So it seems the town of Nafflik may have to wait a while for its faraway heroes to return and the rats will have its large leaky wooden Barracks all to themselves.

 

 

 Published in Tor Carrock            The Illyriad Free Times.                      Issue No. 2

 

   An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 

 

As we go to press it is believed that the war between LWO (reduced) and BSH continues. Details are somewhat obscure but this paper has been reliably informed that LWO (reduced) do not wish for BSH to continue to trudge all across Elgea to get them and BSH do not wish to continue to trudge all across Elgea to get LWO.

Diplomatic sources also suggest that CoK wish to be paid something by someone for the inconvenience of joining in.

 

Our War correspondent has doubled his efforts to bring you the most interesting and informative insights of this conflict.

 

Down in Lan Larosh he managed to put some questions to the commanders of two opposing infantry units that had been in conflict with each other for several days.

They were Commander Isski Faren-Holtograllshi of the Elvish Seventh Golden Feathered Forest Regiment and Chief Headbasher Grok of the DeathHead Wargroup.

 

Our Correspondent: ” Gentlemen, bearing in mind that you both have now faced each other in conflict and have both seen the dedication and bravery of your opponents, both far from the lands of your births, do you not feel a common bond and respect towards worthy opponents?”

Commander Isski Faren-Holtograllshi: “Soldiers throughout time have pondered on the discomfits of battle and the consequences of their actions”

Chief Headbasher Grok : “Nah”

 

Our Correspondent: “Thank you. Following that can you comment on a war that, although involving many nations, factions and races. In essence has brought inconvenience and disruption to a far greater number of non combatants then those involved due to the long range nature of the conflict and that has also amplified the logistical side of military planning then that is normally required?”

Chief Headbasher Grok: “Wot?”

Commander Isski Faren-Holtograllshi : “An interesting question. The physical nature of different conflicts depends to large degree on the underlying politico-diplomatic stresses, rather then the overall military position. Therefore, regardless of the specific or quantitive requirements nesser…”

Our Correspondent: “Err, I’m afraid we have run out of time. Thank you both and I hope both of you have a good day.”

 

In the Vale of Lycerna our man was lucky to find an Orc column as it jogged homeward after a long and successful siege.

Our Correspondent: “Are you pleased to be going home?”

1st Orc  “Who’s going home?”

2nd Orc “ What did he say?”

1st Orc  “Going home”

2nd Orc  “You’re going home?”

3rd Orc  “Me? I’m going to war”

1st Orc  “ I think I am”

3rd Orc  “What you thinking?”

4th Orc  “ I don’t think”

2nd Orc  “ You don’t think your going home?”

4th Orc   “ No. I think I’m following you”

1st Orc   “Don’t interrupt me mate….”

3rd Orc   â€œYou talking to me?”

5th Orc   “ Oi, mind where your putting that spear!”

At this point our correspondent couldn’t keep up with them and the column gradually disappeared into the distance throwing up a large cloud of dust.

 

About our War Correspondent.

Yalli Ars-Lightfoot is a High Elf who spent many years as a Kings Messenger and thus has a detailed knowledge of the lands of Elgea. He also has that open, friendly, good natured, tactful, understanding yet nosey and inquisitive manner so important for someone who seeks the real story behind the headlines. We are pleased to have him on our staff.  In further issues we will introduce more of our specialist correspondents to you.

 

Update:  In our last edition we reported the comments of a Pikeman from the town of Nafflik while he was on campaign regarding a nearby dwarven High school for girls. He refused to give his name to Yalli on that occasion.

Unfortunately by the time he got back home he had been identified and was met by his wife, her three brothers and his mother-in law. Pikeman Johhn in now recovering in the Nafflik Military Hospital for Serious Wounds.

 

Other News.

Heart of Corruption:  Getting bigger.

Anniversary Tournament:  Now ended.

Trogg trouble again?:  Rumours spread in northern Elgea.

Lost cat found:  Tibbles found on neighbours roof.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mafro Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 20:33
LOL

+1 Granlik
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote John Marston Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Apr 2012 at 22:09
Well done to everyone involved!Clap 
Veni, vidi, vici
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Prometheuz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2012 at 10:37
I laughed 'til I cried  Thumbs Up
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Apr 2012 at 15:01
How do I get a subscription? Brill!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Apr 2012 at 15:06
Sorry about the last post but my son thinks he's a humourist..............
The real Granlik.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Silent/Steadfast Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Apr 2012 at 00:23
I question the reliability of a newspaper filed under the "fiction" section....  

Still, LMAO! LOL
"Semantics are no protection from a 50 Megaton Thermonuclear Stormcrow."-Yggdrassil (June 21, 2011 6:48 PM)
"SCROLL ya donut!" Urgorr The Old (September 1, 2011 4:08 PM)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote Granlik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2012 at 22:44

Published in Tor Carrock      The Illyriad Free Times.          Issue 3  June

 

                 An occasional publication for the edification of our readers throughout Elgea.

 

Welcome to issue No.3.  Since issue No.2 back in April we have appointed several new members of staff, which has enabled us to add a number of new sections to the paper. Our news coverage of events in Elgea has been greatly improved due to the fact that we now have two roving reporters. 

 

News from the Fronts. 

There have been no major wars or conflicts since our last edition although the H? and Valar dispute had half the continent on the edge of their seats. Our chief reporter did however visit the location of the dispute and found a thriving trade in half bricks as souvenirs of the demolished city Sewer003. He was surprised at the number of people queuing to purchase the bricks and on being questioned the distance many had travelled to obtain them, The owners of the stalls however became annoyed by his presence and began lobbing rubble at him and suggested that he bugger off, which he did.

 

Pirate Coast Sensation

As reported earlier in another forum our new cub reporter was dispatched to the southern coast to find the leader of the now defunct alliance South Sea Pirates. Below is his exclusive and startling news

 

This is Paynin ZeArs reporting from the south coast!  It has taken me several weeks to travel all the way down to this lovely coastline here only to find that the SSP has disbanded and its founder somewhere else.

 

I booked in to a likely looking Tavern by the waterfront and entered the bar, which was crowded with seadogs and announced myself in a loud voice and asked if anyone knew where PirateKing was.

 

At once several voices said “Arrr, I’m the PirateKing, over here laddo!” and I was surrounded by men with one leg, patches over either the left or right eyes (one even had patches over both) and many with parrots on their shoulders.

“So you be wanting my story, arrrh” said a large red headed man who was instantly pushed away by a small fat black bearded individual who claimed he was indeed PirateKing and had the scars to prove it.

 

Before I could open my mouth I was pulled backwards by someone with a hook in place of his right hand and who whispered in my ear “Arrrrrrrrrr me hearty, take no notice of these confounders, I’m the real PirateKing come with me”

 

It was a nightmare and I was saved only by the landlord wading into the rabble and getting me out of the room and into the safety of his parlour. Later, only after the last drunk was thrown out in the early hours did I learn the truth. PirateKing is so popular down here that the authorities, fearing he will reform the SSC again are constantly seeking his whereabouts, so every self-respecting pirate now claims he is PirateKing to protect his identity. I fear my task here will be long and costly so please send further remittance.

 

 

Cookery Corner.

A recent survey of our readers covering all the varied races throughout Elgea revealed that the large majority were young single males living a rushed, hectic lifestyle and all having a very rudimentary knowledge of basic cookery skills. So we are pleased to introduce Kroc Bosha, who was the head chef of the recently destroyed Grand Hotel, Volcano Slopes, in Kerela.  Over now to Kroc.

 

Hallo my friends!

We do lead such frenzied lives here in Elgea don’t we, so I think I should start with a simple dish for those in a hurry. Its from my homeland in Mal  Mosha and as a young orc just starting out as junior slop hand in the barrack kitchen it served me well then and many a time it allowed me to last out the day slopping slops to the warriors.

 

Rushed Rabbit.

  1. Chase rabbit
  2. Catch rabbit
  3. Chop rabbit into bits
  4. Eat rabbit.

 If you wish you can dip the bits into a sauce before eating. I prefer curry sauce myself but tomato is more popular particularly in the northern highlands.

 

Now here a favourite from the miners of Moria You will need a large shovel.

 

Midday Pasty.

  1. Take some beef, pork, lamb and minced goat and sprinkle with as many herbs and vegetables you can find and put in a pot
  2. Add some beer and boil for some time.
  3. Get mum, daughter or girlfriend to make some pastry.
  4. Plop contents of pot on to the pastry and roll it up. Shove it into oven till cooked.
  5. Take to work and use shovel as a plate.

 

Well I do hope either of the above is useful to you and I will be back next issue with some more tasty treats.  Kroc.

 

 

Other News:

Heart of Corruption:  Still getting bigger

New Alliance:  New Alliance formed.

Lost Dog:  Spot spotted several times.

Troggs:  Invasion planned again.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2012 at 23:42
love ya Gran
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