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Saga of the Spy, Cake and Unexploded emails

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    Posted: 21 Aug 2015 at 15:52
The Saga of the Spy, Cake and Unexploded emails

The battle for good against evil has taken a devastating blow in the world of Illyriad, the evil player known as Mistery (If you see her smiling it's because she’s thinking of doing something evil. If you see her laughing it's because she’s already done it) has prevailed and today is laughing hysterically. Let me explain………..

NB: The identity of some of the following people has been changed to protect them from possible reprisals but mainly to protect me from the Illie law, as to the identity of our agent WhoKnows!.  

It was a quiet day in the Illy underground so was spending my morning engaged in my favourite pastime counting my spoon collection and having a snack of fat juicy worms, in the office next door I could hear the agents going about their day to day business when suddenly the door burst open it was Mole our No1 agent “we’ve heard a whisper that one of Mistery’s henchmen may be willing to come over to the good side” the following is a true account of the correspondence between ourselves and a possible valuable ally.

From: Badger [H M]

Subject: RE: sshhhhh!!!

Received: 08 Aug 2015 21:00

Original Message:

Good morning, Mr X. We have detected that you wish to join Honey Monsters, a secret invite has been sent to you. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to gather as much information as possible on the miscreant known as Mistery we have had this individual under surveillance for a long time and felt this opportunity was too good to miss. If the mission becomes too dangerous use the invite to extract yourself from the situation.

Good luck agent X.

This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Oh and by the way if captured you will likely be tortured, should this happen try to think of fluffy kittens and rainbows, should take your mind of it.

We waited and waited, several unbearable hours past we were as nervous as nuns at a penguin shoot!

We could wait no longer we tried again!

From: Badger [H M]

Subject: RE: RE: sshhhhh!!!

Received: 10 Aug 2015 18:53

Original Message:

Agent X <.<  >.>

As we have not heard back from you we are becoming very concerned for yours and the safety of all Illyrians and this situation is becoming more serious by the day.

Today the Illyrian known as Mistery was openly trying to entice young new Illyrians to her lair using gifts of gold and other valuable resources, god knows what fait awaits them once she has them under her power.

Also we strongly suspect she is an international arms dealer many shipments have been tracked from her bases crossing borders and even oceans. PLEASE we beg you help us expose her and bring a stop to this nightmare.

Good Luck B

This message will self destruct in 5 seconds. 5.........4.......3........2........1.....Damn it that’s the last time i buy these from the thrift store look made in china they can organise massive parades with thousands of soldiers not putting a step wrong dancing dragons and fireworks perfectly synchronised but can’t make a simple exploding email and those guys are supposed to be inscrutable.

PS if you are being tortured and thinking of the fluffy kittens is starting to wear off, throw in an imaginary ball of wool.

We settled down to wait nervously when…. A message we have received a message was this the breakthrough we longed for?

From: X [Calcr]

Subject: RE: RE: sshhhhh!!!

Received: 11 Aug 2015 09:14

Original Message:

Mr "B",

You have given me a tough assignment that has led me to much danger and a lot of chocolate cake. I am now 50 kilos heavier than when I started and I suspect this is an evil plot being backed by the Misterious one.

I keep finding cake outside the castle walls and my loyal servants bring it to me, I of course get them to test it first but it appears to be yummy and I have to then fight the tester to the death and eat the rest of the cake.

I warn you now of this cunning plot to make us all so big and lazy that by the time the evil Mistery comes knocking on the castle door with her huge army of elves with their knee high fancy boots, it will be too late.

Now, after eating that last mail that gave me a bad case of indigestion I think I see more cake.


Contact we had contact but the situation sounded hopeless.

From: Badger [H M]

Subject: FW: RE: sshhhhh!!!

Received: 11 Aug 2015 09:46

Original Message:

Agent X

It seems i have underestimated her true cunning and evilness, the only comfort i can give you is the assurance that you are doing all of Illykind a great service through your own great suffering.

I have instructed our technology expert to start work on a mobility chariot, so far the rocket launchers, oil slick and helicopter rotors are working fine but the cup holder is proving to be an insurmountable problem, he continues his work. Are there any modifications you would request?

All i can say is keep up the good work never lose hope, you are a true Illy hero and will be remembered long after the almost inevitable death by chocolate ( or at least an uncomfortable tummy).

Unfortunately our exit strategy has failed and the invite to Honey Monsters was mysteriously withdrawn, i suspect a double agent.

Good Luck B

This message will self destr...........who am i kidding these things don’t work budget cuts you see it was either saving money on the exploding emails or my company chariot and of course the supercharged Jaguar f-type chariot is essential as i am sure you will agree.

PS if the fluffy kittens with the ball of wool is starting to be ineffective against the unspeakable torture you are suffering, there is only one option dress the kittens in cute hats and coats it is the ultimate defence, may i suggest a sailor or policeman outfit for ultimate AAWWWWW!

That was it we have heard no more since we fear our agent has been assimilated into Mistery’s evil world and we still haven’t managed to fix the cup holder.

Mistery has won this battle but the war continues!!

Any opinions expressed are my own, and generally unpopular with others,  resemblance between the above views and those of Illyriad, or the view out my window, actual opinions, living or dead, is purely Deliberate

This post will self-destruct in 5 seconds……..five……..four………three………two………one……….DAMN IT……….




I love everyone! I love to be around some people, I love to stay away from others, and some I'd just love to punch right in the face!
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