Through countless hours of research, writing, editing, fact checking and hair pulling ( my own), I vave at last finished my Orc handbook for Elgea Elven Society. This work would not be possible without the contributions of many of my Elven and Orc friends. To them go my eternal thanks.
Any grammatical errors, or typo's are my own and no fault of my editor.
I stuck to a practical approach and did not use Elven flowery prose as I felt a straight forward teaching manual would work best in this situation.
Thank you,
Ashtar
TCOL, Kanzler
Orc Handbook for Elgea Elven Society
Prepared by Ashtar, Kanzler, The Colony
*Dedicated to the new little elves of Elgea
Table of Contents
1.
Personal Safety
2.
Greetings by Class
Rank
3.
Meaty Bits
4.
Large bodies of
water
5.
Orc Ceremonies
1.
Personal Elven
Safety
Due to the close relations we have
with our Orc brethren in BSH, BSHx and SCH, I felt it was a relevant time to
issue this Orc handbook to all new
Elfves in TCOL, in order to assist them in getting used to Orcish customs. However,
since most Orcs view Elves as chew toys, and would almost always rather eat an
elf, there are several vital personal safety precautions that we must ensure
are taken. Thus this guide is being distributed to the masses.
The first and most vital tip, pun
intended, are the use of metal ear protectors. While they will not stop the Orc
from nibbling, they will ensure that no ears are removed for later snacking and
we do not have to endure the agony of regrowing them. Contact your local
Dwarven smith, as they are quite adept at fashioning and fitting such devices.
The next piece of equipment is scent
blocker. The natural smell of Elven folk is a natural olfactory draw for the
Orcs. After conducting numerous scent tests with both Elven and Orc volunteers
we have determined the following: Flower, mint, or licorice scent blockers have
been effectively proven to mask our natural smell and prevent unwanted sniffing
of Elven persons which could lead to awkward or dangerous situations.*
The last piece of safety equipment is
leather clothing. Green-dyed leather works best as most Orcs eschew vegetables
and focus on meat dishes only.
•
Many thanks to the
Elven "Smell" volunteers for their courage and their ignorance of the
small print clauses contained within the Consent Form.
2.
Greetings by Class
Rank
Orcish society has three major class
ranks:
•
Ruling Classes –
Clan leaders and their families
•
Warrior Class –
Fearsome Orc warriors
•
Merchant Class –
Traders, Diplomats, etc
We will look at each class greeting
individually:
•
Ruling Class
Greetings:
Orc clans value strength and respect
above all else. When meeting the ruling class of most clans, Elves should bow
but retain eye contact with the Ruler in order to show strength and respect,
but not subservience. When meeting an unknown clan, Elven women should curtsy,
Elven males should bow. After the initial greeting of each person, a bow as
listed above will suffice.
•
Warrior class
Greetings:
Orc warriors are fearsome, tireless
and, when the moon is full and the planets in alignment, honorable. They value
the same in others. When meeting an Orc warrior, their standard greeting is a
low five slap delivered to their non weapon hand.
•
Merchant Class
Greetings:
The Orc merchant class is probably the
most recognized, as they have more interaction with the other races of Elgea.
They can be found in trade hubs, faction hubs, scouting the land, or harvesting
skins and various animal parts. Standard Greeting Protocol is to say “Throm-Ka”.
If the Orc answers back with the same words and extends their non- weapon hand,
a low five slap is then proper. If no
answer is given by the Orc, simply nod and be on your way. Also, to be safe,
leave your gold behind.
3.
Meaty Bits
Orcs wear armor specifically designed
to frighten and intimidate their enemies. Often times they will hang mementos
from their armor to mark a victory. Their weapons are designed to inflict the
most amount of carnage possible. They revel in completely abolishing their
enemies and wading through the bloodbath.
In order to avoid becoming a part of
the aforementioned bloodbath yourself, all Elven warriors are instructed to
carry pouches of fresh, meaty bits to give to Orc warriors after battles, thus
avoiding becoming a main dish in the post battle feast.
There may come a point in battle in
which Orcs enter a “berserker” stage. While it bodes well for their allies,
their enemies should quake with fear. An Orc, in this stage, will not recognize
friend or foe. Therfore, simply fight by their non- weapon side and use the
meaty bits as a restorative after the berserker rage has ended. They will have
expended a huge amount of energy during this phase and will need the meat to
restore their strength.
4. Large Bodies of Water
This section is dedicated to water. Contrary to public sentiment,
Orcs love large bodies of water. Their favorite bodies of water happen to be
located in large black cauldrons over roaring fires. Most Orc encampments have
at least four cauldrons boiling at any one time.
Should a first time visitor, or unknown diplomat ask about this,
they will be told that they are kept for laundry use and various other cleaning
tasks. This is indeed one purpose which the cauldrons can be put to use, but
their primary function is for preparation of the post battle feast. (See Meaty
Bits section above).
Most Orc have no fear of small lakes or rivers as they can easily
ford them. However most Orcs, due to sheer bone density and mass are unable to
swim and avoid oceans at all costs. Should an ocean voyage be necessary, the
best idea is to use Mammoth tranquilizers on any Orc shipmates so as to prevent
any berserker rages, which would obviously result in loss of life and
ship.
4.
Orc Ceremonies
Orc clans have many public and private ceremonies. Public
ceremonies include: Crowning Ceremony, Rites of Passage, Warrior Induction,
Feats of Strength, and post battle feasts. While the standard protocols listed
above apply, the nature of these particular public functions, can safely
preclude the pouches of meaty bits. However, avoidance of any large pots of
water is a must.
You will also be required to hoot, holler, stomp, dance by
firelight, drink grog, eat meat, and release your inner warrior to celebrate.
Do not worry about messes; Kobolds are effective janitors, in addition to being
war fodder.
Private ceremonies, such as: Namings, Matings, New Clans, and so
on are a more somber affair. The pinnacle of good manners are required and it
is an honor to be asked to participate in these ceremonies. Your role will be
one of a guardian so full dress armor is required. You will also be asked to
provide a feast contribution.
Any animal larger than a wolf will suffice. Larger animals are
viewed as a sign of your level of respect for the parties or Orc friends
involved in the ceremonies. A wooly mammoth is viewed as the largest sign of
respect. It is also a good method for testing the effectiveness of Mammoth
Tranquilizer.
Author’s Note:
I began this manual as a way to safeguard new elves joining The
Colony when dealing with our Orc Brethern. First exposure to an Orc clan can be
somewhat intimidating. However, it became apparent that the many other elves of
Elgea could benefit from this manual.
I therefore asked for and was granted an audience with our
illustrious Fearless Leader and put said proposal in front of him. After much
thought and consideration, the benevolent Kale Weathers granted me permission
to publish this manual world-wide.
Fearless Leader's Note: *Author rolls eyes*
I was not asked, nor consulted on this work. Memos were not passed
along, and courtesy copies were not forwarded. Therefore, no thought or
consideration was ever actually given. I am a prisoner in my own alliance. Help
me.
My most gracious thanks go to:
Kale Weathers: Benevolent and Fearless TCOL Leader
TCOL: THE BEST ALLIANCE IN ALL OF ELGEA
Mr. Kumomoto Sir: for his unending support of this project.
Tansiraine: My Elven Sista, for her unwavering friendship through
this process.
Any typo’s or grammatical errors are the sole property of the
author.
Also, look for our upcoming publications: Summer of 2014
Elven Handbook for Orc Society: The Picture Book