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(EOM) Harry View Drop Down
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Points: 283 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:45
Originally posted by Tordenkaffen Tordenkaffen wrote:

Not to be a wiseguy, but is all this really necessary? Harry isnt a professional writer quite yet and just asks for feedback, and while I admit there being legal issues with posting publicly, I just find it very unlikely that anyone would lay claim to the initial "test-balloons" that Harry send up. I mean, a book of poetry takes years of work, with many stages of refinement etc. Harry is pretty open with this being his first stabs at it, so I dont see the vast potential for profiting on his work, not yet at least (no offense to Harry of course).
None taken mate, its pretty crap anyway :)
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The_Dude View Drop Down
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Points: 2396 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:57
Originally posted by Tordenkaffen Tordenkaffen wrote:

Not to be a wiseguy, but is all this really necessary? Harry isnt a professional writer quite yet and just asks for feedback, and while I admit there being legal issues with posting publicly, I just find it very unlikely that anyone would lay claim to the initial "test-balloons" that Harry send up. I mean, a book of poetry takes years of work, with many stages of refinement etc. Harry is pretty open with this being his first stabs at it, so I dont see the vast potential for profiting on his work, not yet at least (no offense to Harry of course).
 
On chat, EOM said he intended to publish his work.  I did not know he was a "just a kid" but that doesn't alter any legal claims he or others might claim.  But, hey, it's not my stuff so 'nuf said.  :)
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(EOM) Harry View Drop Down
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Points: 283 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Mar 2011 at 23:59
Originally posted by The_Dude The_Dude wrote:

Originally posted by Tordenkaffen Tordenkaffen wrote:

Not to be a wiseguy, but is all this really necessary? Harry isnt a professional writer quite yet and just asks for feedback, and while I admit there being legal issues with posting publicly, I just find it very unlikely that anyone would lay claim to the initial "test-balloons" that Harry send up. I mean, a book of poetry takes years of work, with many stages of refinement etc. Harry is pretty open with this being his first stabs at it, so I dont see the vast potential for profiting on his work, not yet at least (no offense to Harry of course).
 
On chat, EOM said he intended to publish his work.  I did not know he was a "just a kid" but that doesn't alter any legal claims he or others might claim.  But, hey, it's not my stuff so 'nuf said.  :)
No worries TD i am only a teen but i know where to send my good stuff and experimental stuff and its just a way of picking lines, expressions and imagery that i may recycle into something thats better or meatier :) Thanks for the help though, i really appreciate you taking the time to post and help me out on the legal side :)
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Kumomoto View Drop Down
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Points: 2224 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2011 at 00:34
I like it as well... but agree with Tor... is it a rainbow of doubt or pain and suffering?
 
My advice (not that I'm any sort of expert on poetry) is to always in poetry try to take the verbally straightest path to what you mean. And try to make the descriptions accurate to the point of raw. So if your lovers' words hurt, for example... how? like a case of pancreatitis, as if you lopped off the end of your finger, the way the pain felt when you had a root canal, cracking your forehead on the corner of a table?... I'm exaggerating, but seriously, use your real life experience as a barometer to create analogies that can give you clarity on what you are trying to express...  Odds are other people have had similar experiences and will relate to what you are writing... You don't have to say "your words made me feel like I was having an appendectomy"... (although that has a certain kitsch). But if the pain you felt is similar, then thinking about that relative experience while you choose your description may help you find a clarity that will convey to the reader...
 
Just my 2 cents...
 
K.
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Attila the Hun View Drop Down
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Points: 402 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2011 at 01:43
Originally posted by (EOM) Harry (EOM) Harry wrote:

Iv'e been wanting to try some writing for a while and see if its up to scratch, i've always loved to write but now im want to take it a little more seriously, i hope you guys can have a look at the things i put on here and give me any review, all are welcome (Except hate mail, i dont want to cry) However if you guys really do hate it i wont post and we can forget this ever happened. Thankyou in advance for your time reading, analysing and reviewing my writing ( note: most pieces are in is infancy and have still not reached anywhere near final draft.)
 
Thanks,
(EOM) Harry
 
 

The tiresome lover

 

The breath of my love rests on my neck.

 I can remember the way it felt, to be ripped apart by a sentence or two

To have the soul, dismantled, dissected and displayed, like a necklace made of trinkets and copper.

 

The whimsical way you took my words and turned them

Into a rainbow of pain and suffering

Each colour of doubt you had in me

Has never been proven

But still rests on your lips

Ready to use

To manipulate

To kill

My unsuspecting dreams of a happy life

 

I realise now

I am wrong

We can never be,

When you are here,

In our love.

     

 
 
 
Only as a procaution because TD said it was a good idea but
 
 (C) Copyright. All rights are reserved by the author (Harry Bush), please contact me if you wish to use them as all my work is backlogged on computers with date stanps, Thankyou :)
 
 
Comment reading descrtetion is advised :
 
heheh if his name was richard he could be dick bush.Tongue
It's just a game. :)
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Strategos View Drop Down
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Points: 214 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2011 at 01:48
I think he's probably quite satisfied being named Harry Bush.

Lovely poem though, you should keep it up, experiment with different styles etc, have some fun with it.
Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis
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Attila the Hun View Drop Down
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Points: 402 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2011 at 01:59

Strategos, old chum, I don't believe you understand the joke I was referring too. There's a book on this.
It's just a game. :)
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HonoredMule View Drop Down
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Points: 1650 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2011 at 02:06
Some general tips: use words and phrases whose tone reinforces your intended combination of meaning and context.  Also, avoid adjectives.  Try instead to use colorful/explicit nouns and especially verbs.  In everyday speech 'is' and 'do' are our champions of easy, lazy speech, but strong verbs are the ultimate grammatical spice.

Aside from a regular dictionary and thesaurus, I also find http://www.rhymezone.com/ quite useful.

Finally, avoid bad font clashes.  I.e. never use Comic Sans unless you're writing a webcomic.  That is the only use that isn't vulgar and doesn't clash with the content.  Even if you think your using Comic Sans "ironically," your use will come off about as ironic as a cheesy low-budget action film with 12 blunt (un-subtle) applications of the Wilhelm screem--it's just garish.  Don't use Trajan either.  Don't use any font with serifs for short-line poetry.  Unless you're a typeface connoisseur, just stick with Arial or Helvetica--the former for web media because it's most widely supported.

Edited by HonoredMule - 05 Mar 2011 at 14:14
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Nokigon View Drop Down
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Points: 1452 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2011 at 07:56
I think, EOM, that you are drowning in criticism. Personally, I disagree with everything you have posted (minus the poem itself). It's not rubbish, it's a good poem and I like it.
I agree with Strategos- keep it up and experiment with different styles- limericks, I don't know anything about poetry but oh well, etc.
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(EOM) Harry View Drop Down
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Points: 283 		Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Mar 2011 at 10:16
Thankyou all for your kind words and constructive critisism's i probably will update this thread ( if you want me too) every few days, so keep your eyes posted :)
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